A couple of years ago after messing with my weight for too long I finally found my 'set-point weight'. This is the weight your body natural falls at, and can fluctuate between a few kilos. With a normal diet including over-eating some days, underweight on other your body will always try and stay within your set-point as this is where it's most happy and can function the healthiest. Everybody's set point will be different.
When I got to my set-point it wasn't focused on 'numbers' anymore, I was mentally more free. Food wasn't as rigid, I could be a lot more flexible and most importantly I was happy, and my body was healthy too.
I've always wanted to get back to my set-point but anxiety overwhelms me with fear, stopping me from reaching this. Every since I developed anorexia I've always been more fixated on numbers. The number on the scale has always defined me, but numbers stretch out to other parts in my life like timings and routine. It's crazy because I don't quite understand why this is, but I'm guessing it's somewhat linked to control and wanting to feel 'safe'.
It's difficult when you're recovering from an eating disorder as with weight gain, you sort of have goals. E.g reach a 'healthy BMI of 18.5', or most recently reach a BMI of 20. The problem is, psychologically when you have reached these numbers you sometimes feel you are 'cured' and are now healthy. But that's not true. Your intrusive thoughts don't miraculously disappear when you reach these goals. I sometimes think anorexia tricks you into thinking you're not recovered because from a statistic you are now classed as healthy. But this is just NOT true. In fact, less than 2% of the population are a BMI of 18.5 and the majority of people have a BMI over 20. This is why its easy to get stuck in recovery when you convince yourself the work when you've ticked a BMI chart.
I've been watching so many helpful vlogs and one stuck to my mind which is so so true. If you're not at your set-point weight your still in restriction mode just to be able to keep at the weight you are. And whilst doing this, your not completely letting go of your eating disorder and this is where i'm at.
I'm eating everyday and regularly but I still feel stuck. I feel stuck because I feel I have to maintain the weight i'm at. It's still classed as healthy so this mental barrier is what is difficult to get past and move forward. I eat regularly and because of this I think, I don't need to change. But I know I WANT TO CHANGE. All I want is to be flexible with food but I know this can't happen unless I get to my set-point. So to do this means challenging thoughts and shock horror...WEIGHT GAIN. And this is where the intrusive thoughts start to convince me I'm being ridiculous.... 'But you're a healthy weight...you don't NEED to gain anymore weight...you'll lose control". Battling with two different sides of your heads is so bloody difficult sometimes.
The thing is though....I have to ask myself "Am I completely happy" and the answer is no. And if you want changes in your life you actually have to make the effort to MAKE the changes happen. I don't want to be stuck in a rigid routine, on a meal plan, feeling repetitive with everything and feeling scared to go out my comfort zone. If I want to enjoy my life more, I know this is something I have to do.
Sometimes I picture in my head waking up tomorrow, eating as when, and WHAT I want, eating cake and drinking frappucionos without a care in the world and not feeling guilty. This would be great but unfortunately it's not as easy as that. Recovery isn't always this picture... in the short term its eating when you're not hungry, not negotiating with your eating disorder. feeling uncomfortable and feeling FULL. This is the part I tend to run away from and avoid. But the thing is, these feelings need to be FELT if I want to change. No one said it was going to be easy but I know in the long term it'll be worth it .
I'm sick of 'playing it safe' because you don't realise how much your life is restricted so I'm going to be a rebel and actually try say **** you to all the rules. It's easier said than done, but I always think ... 'what's the worst that can happen'? and the worst that can happen is nothing. I'm not going to die, my world around me won't stop...in fact my world will actually get bigger and better. So here goes nothing x
