BMI bullshit

Anorexia for me has never really been about the way I look. I’ve always had this massive fear of the number on the scale going up; not because of ‘altering’ the way I look but more a feeling of loosing control. I still don’t have a true understanding of why, but my main issue is anxiety so I think it somehow links to this.

What I find extremely difficult and know others do to, is if you are no longer in the ‘danger zone’ weight wise, the assumption by many even including some professionals is ‘you’re cured’. This is not specifically relating to me, but from past experiences, and hearing from others. I’m lucky to have amazing support from a professional.  But I feel like so many people are left to slip under the net once they are deemed ‘healthy’ I.e not close to death and at this point treatment is stopped. The irony being that people say ‘as soon as you’re healthy we can start working on your mental health and what’s fuelling this’ yet you’re deemed less of a risk therefore low priority for treatment once you’ve reached this. Make sense 🤷🏻‍♀️? I don’t think so!

It’s a lot easier mentally to act on your eating disorder for an ‘easier life’, than it is to actually go against this. Weight gain is horrible. Emotions coming back is horrible.   But although it’s hard, it’s obviously worth it but no one tells you how difficult it’s going to be. This is why it makes me so sad when I hear of people not getting the mental health support they need once healthy, even though they need it now more than ever.

I never feel like there’s much out there to help those who are now healthy, to learn new ways to cope, how to regulate emotions etc. No one tells you what it’s like to live in what feels like a new home; your new body. Not specially relating to body image but sort of like a metaphor for acting on thoughts/emotions in a more healthy way. But back on the ‘healthy range’ of a BMI scale? You’re now apparently cured but where’s that support that you were promised? I feel like that’s what is so misunderstood about eating disorders. BMI bullshit. Of course, it can be used as a guidance to assess someone’s physical health but what about the mental health? A number going up doesn’t suddenly magic your emotional difficulties/anxieties etc away. It would be good if it could!

However, if you have a few people... even just 1 person  in your life who understands eating disorders are so much more than BMI’s then the most important thing is to use those people for support when you need it. It’s not always about the quantity of support you have, more so the right support. 

I have 1 eating disorder professional whom I work with and honestly the support I receive from this person is more than enough because it’s the RIGHT support. Family and friends get it too. So just remember support doesn’t always have to be in the form of a professional, it can also be from those closest to you who ‘get it’.

I’ll give you some examples of how a ‘healthy’ person can struggle with an eating disorder and that is me! I’m no longer underweight which is obviously a good thing but the mental torture that can sometimes still be there sometimes feels harder than it was before.

• I’ve been healthy for well over a year now but I’m still aiming to get to my set point weight. A healthy person trying to gain weight? Yep, I said it! Sue me. Every person has a set point weight (where it’s body naturally is at), and if youre below this your body isn’t happy because it means you’re restricting.
• And when I say restricting that doesn’t mean eating an apple a day and that’s it. Restriction can be so so minuscule and to an outsider looking in as long as you’re eating 3 meals a day or whatever that’s ok. But it’s not. Every individual needs different amounts of nutrition to stabilise at a weight. Some need more, some need less. I eat 3 meals a day, snacks , chocolate etc but I struggle in the form of portion sizes so I can technically eat anything as long as I’m ‘in control’ of how much. This is just something I need to learn to crack which will help me reach set point weight. 
• Flexibility: I currently follow a meal plan and the aim is to stick to eat and not miss things out etc. For the rest of my life I don’t want to have to do this but for now, it helps. But honestly I can’t bloody wait to just follow my hunger queues. Grap a handful of crisps if I’m feeling peckish or maybe just because I want too!!! And not having fear foodstuff. But I know these things I want to achieve CAN happen IF I want them to.

So for anyone who can relate/has had issues with BMI bullshit in the past please know you’re not alone. And those who you feel are a support, use them. Talk through anxieties, talk through irrational thoughts/urges surrounding food because it helps. It really does. Just don’t feel you are alone because chances are, you’re not. Someone will have gone/be going through the same things you are. 

The long term affects of anorexia

I was debating about writing this because it’s quite personal but its made me realise just how much eating disorders can affects you in so many different ways. Even if you’re recovering/recovered. The body isn’t stupid and repair can take years. I’m technically a healthy weight therefore I assumed my body would be on board with this but it’s not always that simple, and this blog post is about an affect that is quite specific to what’s going on right now.

What I’m going to write may be considered gross/personal/too much info whatever so if you don’t like the though of reading about how eating disorders can affect your downstairs area then probably best not to read on!!!


Quite a comment effect of anorexia is weakening of the bones. Many people including myself have osteopenia which luckily can be reversed if a healthy weight is maintained and there is plenty of calcium in your diet. Unfortunately if the bones continue to weaken it can develop into osteoporosis which quite a lot of people that have had anorexia have. Your bones continue to weaken which can be seen in older people, but if you have it early, your bones will start to break down/get weaker at an earlier age which is really sad.

Another consequence of eating disorders is to do with your bowels and this can be due to loads of different reasons. Lack of nutrition impacts on the digestive system and makes it a lot harder to go to the toilet. Also if people have abused laxatives this can also make it a lot more difficult to regulate bowel movements. I struggled with laxative abuse in the past but luckily got weaned off then in hospital and my bowel habits returned to normal.

However, what I didn’t quite realise is the fact that bowel problems don’t just go away overnight and can continue even if you’re recovering/recovered. Up until recently I started to have issues with my bowels and found out that it had prolapsed. I went to the doctors about this but they told me it’s nothing to worry about because ‘people my age don’t get them’ so I basically took her word for it and believed it wasn’t a prolapse. Prolapses are basically when the muscles around  your stomach/down below get weakened and your rectum turns inside out and protrudes outside. (Lovely!). These are common with old age or if you’ve give birth it can happen too.

Mine started getting worse and basically the lump coming out started getting bigger. Then suddenly I noticed the same thing had happened to my vagina - which is not a pretty sigh at all!!. I went back to the doctors and they confirmed it was a prolapse and I was referred for surgery.

When I saw the consultant last week he told me mine are due to past problems with weight. Apparently when there’s not enough  fat around that area that is a risk factor, and your muscles get weaker. I couldn’t believe it when he told me this. Because I thought I’m healthy now, so why has this happened? But like I said earlier your body plays catch up and doesn’t just repair overnight.


So now I’m awaiting surgery where they open your stomach and pull everything back up!! And cut some of your bowel out to prevent it happening again.


The reason as to why I’m being open about this is because I want to highlight the long term affects of anorexia - and how these affects can follow you even if you are now healthy. I just find it crazy how the body works and how weight can impact your body in so many different ways. Initially I felt this whole surgery thing was like a punishment for having had anorexia. Rationally I know it isn’t and there’s nothing I can do to change it - I just have to deal with it.