The uninvited guest at Christmas...

Around this time of year, towns/cities are starting to put Christmas decs up, coffee shops summer drinks are replaced with 'festive favourites' and shops are starting ti fill with presents.I love the build up to Christmas as everything feels more exciting and cosy. The one annoying thing of approaching winter is the uninvited guest of anorexia.

The past few years, I've found Christmas has become a lot easier food wise. I started to look forward to instead of dread Christmas dinner. I'd eat chocolate, drink mulled wine in the centre and just feel more at ease in general.

This year feels slightly different. Knowing i'm struggling i'm starting to dread the big day. I know not everything about Christmas is food, but a lot of it is. It's more about feeling 'left out' (by myself) of things i want to join in with. Going out for a hot chocolate after Christmas shopping, having that mulled wine and not worrying about how many potatoes i'm going to be having with my Xmas dinner. (yes, i know that sound daft but Christmas with anorexia is dominated by thoughts like this). Food is also a huge social thing. If you've struggled with an eating disorder, you know what it's like trying to think of what to say if you get asked out for a meal, drinks when you've got 'that voice' telling you, you can't do any of these things, it's isolating.

I so desperately want to do what I can, to dread Christmas less. Anorexia has stole too many Christmas's. I've spent 2 in hospital, and I don’t want this year to be the 3rd. Life is so precious, and a single day wasted giving in to the ED is another day lost. It's never too late and i'm going to try do what I can to avoid this.

Anorexia food thoughts/confessions

 Before recently struggling with food, my diet was quite balanced. It wasn't perfect, but I ate anything and everything in moderation - nothing was off limits.People may remember me posting lots of baking/cakes i'd bought. I really miss that. I keep telling myself 'one day'.

I was at the supermarket yesterday and felt completely overwhelmed with all the food around me. I imagine myself putting any food I wanted in my basket, Cakes, bakery rolls, ingrediants to cook a nice meal. Seeing others around me fill up their trollies with lots of nice things, i felt envious.  Again, i told myself 'one day'. It's just daft though with eating disorder thoughts. 'They can buy those nice things but you're not allowed..yet anyway'. I'ts like i have to close my eyes whilst navigating the shop, ignoring all foods I would have once picked up and just grabbing the 'safe' foods i'm allowed. It feels rubbish. 

I've noticed my thoughts around 'nice' foods have increased. I will spent time on instagram looking at nice food people have cooked/baked. This is an embarassing confession, but I downloaded the Ocado app (I never shop there and don't intend to ) , but i add loads of nice food to my basket and imagine what I would buy if I could. I get a weird sense of enjoyment from it which I know sounds mad. 

It's weird how the eating disorder brain sometimes work. If you're depriving your body of certain foods, I think your mind tries to convince your body you are, in some way, shape or form, getting these. (Doing the 'fake' ocado shop, looking at other peoples baking etc'). 

I've bought a couple of food items I'd love to have eventually, I just feel like I can't just yet. A few years ago when I was struggling. i used to buy and hoard loads of food. All the things I could eventually eat one day, but that day never came and the food went out of date. It seems quite a common thing for those with eating disorders to sometimes hoard food.

I remember in hospital asking staff why you become 'obsessed' with food, and do things like i describe above.. An amazing eating disorder recovery expert, Tabatha Farrar, explains it well...

'Despite the fact that it makes perfect biological sense that a creature living in an environment of scarcity would hoard items, this is another behaviour that isn’t picked up on consistently. It is one of those things that you probably think is something weird and specific to you. It isn’t, many of us turn into super-storers when our anorexia is active. These are observations from my own experience, and the hundreds of emails I get a week from people with anorexia.When you don’t eat enough food, your brain perceives that food is scarce. When your brain perceives that food is scarce, it may also come to the conclusion that general essential resources are scarce. Hence, the desire to hoard all sorts of items after prolonged energy deficit. (And you get that restricting food is what leads to the perception that food is scarce, and energy deficit, right?)'

I also hope I can wake up one day and just think 'f*** it', i'm going to eat what I want and not feel guilty'. I'd love to get to that point. I know rationally it's not going to be that easy, but I guess in the long term I can hope to achieve this one day 

De Ja Vu...

I haven't written a blog in months, but here I am again and things are difficult..It feels like De Ja Vu.

I always feel I need to say this. If anyone is currently struggling with an eating disorder/gets triggered, please don't read this blog just in case any of my own difficulties trigger anything.

Back in 2013 when I first developed an eating disorder, it was triggered by running. It started off innocently trying to get 'fitter' but this soon turned into an obssession, and not one that was enjoyable. I was running up until getting admitted to hospital. I remember the doctor saying my heart rate was 28bpm. I was running with a low heart rate but that didn't seem to stop me. It's scary because people can present you with scientific/factual evidence about your health, yet your eating disorder discards this because the need to 'satisy' the ED thoughts are too overpowering. 

Fast forward to around 2 months ago, I wanted to try running again. I was rubbish at any kind of sports during P.E other than this so wanted to give it another go. I was completely aware of running triggering eating disorder stuff years ago, but I genuinely believed it would be ok this time. I thought the awareness of this was enough to prevent it from happening again. I just wanted, and still want a healthy relationship with exercise.

It started quite well. 20 minute runs every other day, but the distance soon crept up. I was trying to convince myself, and others around me this wasn't eating disorder motivated but deep down I knew it was starting to affect my food, and the thoughts crept back. Up until last week it took around an hour and a half to complete a run, which I dreaded doing every single time. I didn't want to do it. but felt I had to. I told myself once it was done I wouldn't have to worry about it again until the next one. It didn't work like this though. The time spent NOT running, I spent dreading/thinking about the next one. It felt like a vicious cycle. 

During this period, the running started to affect food. I completely admire and aspire people whom exercise and can eat what they want and not worry about it. Mine just turned the opposite way. Food started to decrease which is completely irrational when your exercise has increased. I guess thats the thing though, eating disorders aren't rational. It's so fustrating because I know what I was doing was wrong and it didn't make sense but i couldn't stop doing it. 

Up unti last week I was trying to plod along. Alongside the physical changes, I felt I was becoming less and less myself each day. It was hard to plan anything 'fun' because my days were dictated by food and exercise times, so anything else had to be around this. Eating disorders are extremely controlling and before you know it, every aspect of your life is being controlled. Eating disorders HATE you giving time to anything else other than IT. You have thoughts such as 'just one more run then you can do less' , 'eat this again today and you can eat more or something different tomorrow, I'll go away'. But it never goes away. These thoughts only get stronger the more you listen to them and that's what happened. 

I remember a couple of weeks back not being able to sleep due to hunger. I wrote my thoughts down. I'm going to share them here just to try and highlighty how bizarre and irrational eating disorders can be ..

'It's 11pm. I wanted to be asleep early. I could feel myself getting tired earlier and thought I'd have a good nights sleep. Instead my body is signalling to eat. I've got hunger pains but my mind won't let me have anything. i've spent the last hour debating whether to have a banana, so it settles and I can sleep. I can't though. If i have one now, I can't have one in the morning before my run, and that means less energy whilst running. So i need to wait it out. I feel an impending doom coming and I can't explain it. I just have this strong feeling in my body/mind that I'm going to die soon. It doesnt make sense because I'm not ill like I was years back, but i feel death is close and i don't know why? is it because I'm not eating properly so I'm not thinking straight? Or is it true? If it's true and I die, I'm worried it'll be either in my sleep or whilst I'm running. I just have this feeling my hearts going to give up either from sadness or the fact my body can't go through this again. I'm terrified of death, I don't want to die, but I can't stop what I'm doing'.

Last week I had a dietican apt and got a wake up call. I didn't realise what I was doing was serious, and was trying to downlplay everything. My mum was also in the appointment via video as she wanted reassurance I was doing ok. I remember my dieitican saying to me 'I can't convince your mum everything is ok because it isn't'. She said I was on my way to hospital if i continued to lose weight. That scared me as thats the last thing I want. It's so bloody hard though to change what you're doing when the eating disorder has already clawed its way in again. To cut a long story short I've had to stop my exercise completely. I don't have to change food at all until my next apt as doing too many things at once becomes overwhelming. 

I'm on my 8th day of no running and can't believe I've actually done it. Hagrid (the dog) has come to stay with me, and I genuinely don't think I would have been able to do it without him. It's more a logistics thing that stopped me. Not wanting to leave early as he normally barks for the first 5 minutes of me leaving but that would wake the neighbours up, so that stopped me, and it's s worked. Having Hagrid here works wonders. Just knowing someone is here that loves you eternally for who you are. If you're having a bad day, he's still there wagging his tail and being cheeky. 

When i struggle with food etc I just feel like a huge drain on those around me. I think its the guilt from struggling. Sometimes it's just easier to distance yourself. I lost a lot of friends when I first struggled back in 2013. I don't blame them. I turned into someone who wasn't me, with a blank personality who couldn't attend social gatherings due to being too consumed by eating disorder thoughts. I'm teriffied of that happening again. The thought my existance could impact negatively on anyone is something I dread. That's why its even harder with an eating disorder because you still continue to do things that are unhealthy as you feel you can't stop, but this in turn affects other people so I guess that's like a vicious cycle too.

I've had this thought the past few days and i'm hoping even just typing it out will help realise it's irrational. I keep telling myself 'I'll recover when I've lost more weight'. If i'm walking around town past bakeries/cake shops I imagine what It would be like to eat those things again. That's when this stupid thought pops up 'You can eat those things  and recover, but not until you've lost more weight'. 

It doesn't make sense?? If i'm to unpick that thought I'd rationalise by thinking 'If i loose more weight, the ED thoughts will get stronger which in turn will make it harder to recover, it increase the chance of hospital being a real thing, and the journey to recovery will just be longer'. See..I can rationalise it and know the though is absoloutely ridiculous...so why is it even in my head? I just want it to piss off.

Anyway, I've survived a week. My mums sent me loads of crafty things to do. It was her idea to make some personalised Christmas bauble decorations (so if you’ve seen me post. A million times about them that’s why!). It’s therapeutic and keeps my mind occupied making them. Onwards and upwards, let’s see what this week brings 

The 'Struggle Switch'

I've been reading from a book called 'the happiness trap' and understanding something called 'the struggle switch'. It basically uses a 'light switch' turning on/off as an analogy for difficult emotions.

When we feel a difficult emotion, it normally triggers our struggle switch to turn ON. Say for example you feel anxious about something. If you start panicking about knowing you're feeling anxious, it can cause a ripple effect of even more emotions to enter your mind. You may feel sad or angry that you're feeling anxious, and then annoyed at yourself because 'you shouldn't feel anxious', and then sad. Trying to battle with all of these emotions at once only perpetuates the anxiety. I'll give you an example. I've struggle with meal portions . Something i've always found hard but with lockdown it's become harder for whatever reason. After a dietician appointment and weigh in came a reality check. For the past week I've been increasing  meal portions. ( i know this may sound a bit bizarre but i cannot explain how terrifying this is, and i've always avoided it just for 'short term relief'. It causes huge anxiety. When i'm feeling anxious about it i then have a mental battle going on and thoughts such as 'this is too much, i'm not going to be able

to tolerate is, i'm out of control, i don't want to feel guilty, why can't i do this, why am i a failure'.....blah blah blah. You can see how one thought/feeling can snowball into lots more,. All that ends up happening is you end up feeling worse. So clearly it's not worth giving the thought too much attention??

This is where turning the 'struggle switch OFF' comes in. It's natural to feel difficult emotions. We all do. It's normal. Without the bad, we wouldn't feel the good. The arguement is, when anxiety comes in, it's about accepting this is happening, but not giving it too much thought. It's easier said then done. But it's about trying to be present in the moment to distract yourself from the thought. It's not about avoidance as you're accepting this is how you're feeling, but moving on. Emotions come and go. It's impossible for the anxiety to stay forever. Anxiety only ever peaks and then comes down. So with the food example practising this would be to think 'I feel anxious, but I knew i would, so this is no suprise.' And then trying to focus on something else. Anything; what's around you, the conversation with someone else you may be having, what you're doing tomorrow, Just anything other than getting anxious about the fact you're anxious. 

It seems such a simple concept but it takes practice. If your brain is used to reacting a certain way when dealing with emotions, you have to create a new neural pathway. The more you practice, the more you're brain will start thinking 'this is the new way of dealing with this emotion'. 

Are you living by your own personal values?

We all have values in our lives that can define us. These are what we place importance on and try and 'live by'. These could be characteristics or behaviours. Core values can be things such as 'loyalty', 'kindness', 'assesrtiveness', 'honesty', 'confidence' etc etc. Our own values are used to help base decisions on. Most of these decisions are made subconciously. For example. you don't think 'I'm going to meet my friend today because i place high value on friendship'... if thar's something you just naturally do if that's on of your beliefs.  

Values can link massively to our own happiness. In todays world, a lot of us base our happines on external things. We rely on 'what's next in our life'. Is it the new house, new car, job promotion or new fitness plans we're waiting for, and once we've reached these goals we'll become happy? I'm guilty of this. We live in a world that is all about moving up the ladder, wanting bigger and better things. BUT, what tends to happen is, we reach one of our 'goals' we've been focusing on for the past x amount of months/years, get there, and move straight onto what we want next. When this happens, you don't really focus on 'being in the moment'; focusing on that first goal yoi've been dreaming about and working so hard for. Instead, you're too busy working on reaching that next goal. 

What if happiness came from our values? I've started reading a book called 'The happiness trap' based on ACT therapy, and i truly believe this. Alhough we would all love to be 100% living by every single on of our personal values ALL the time. it's not always that easy, and sometimes impossible. You might have a value you place high importance on, but can't fully commit to living by it. And that's completely normal. Life gets in the way. But what i'm trying to say is when we chase happiness, a lot of this can actually come from reassessing our values, rating which ones we find to be the most importance, and putting in small realistic goals each month/year of how we might achieve this. But without pressure. We put so much pressure on ourselves and therefore if we don't do something we hoped, we can automotically feel a failure which is not true!!!

For example, a core value you may have is assertiveness. This is one of mine, but one I know i'm not very good at. I think being assertive is so so important,,,but it isn't always that easier. We all want to be liked and accepted, so being assertive can sometimes cause conflict but that doesn't mean you won't be like. Sometimes you have to be assertive to get your own needs met, not say yes when you really mean no, and it helps with being open and honest with people. So a goal to live better by this value could be .."when someone asks me to do something i don't want to do but i say yes in fear of letting them down, instead i'm going to say 'can i think about it?', then that gives you the chance to conside what you really want to do, and get back to them. It gives you chance to assess what you truly want to do, and in turn is an example of being more assertive by saying no at times. You don't have to achieve this goal in 2 day, 1 week or even 1 month. It could be a long term goal as it can be easier said than done. I know myself if i was more assert, it would contribute to a better sense of self. well being on overall general happiness as i know it's a step closer to living by my own values.

When you struggle with anything mental health related it can sometimes be even harder to live by your values. The desire may be there but behaviours used to cope with mental struggles can go against these values. For example, some of my values are based on spontinaity, being more care free and flexible. I would love to eat what i want when i want and follow my hunger cues/intuitions which would link to being more care free. This for me is a long term goal but i've set goals along the way to help me get there. I find it hard to be 'spontenious', i always have to have a set plan for the day and struggle to leave the house in the evening due to my routine (yes...i'm boring haha) But i'd like to change this as I believe I could do more enjoyable things. Again, basing goals around these things can help me live mreo in line with these values. 

I know it might sound a pathetic or whatever,,,,, but it massively helps to write down your values. Until you get them on paper , you can't see what they are!!! It also helps with seeing if theres any goals you want to set to help place high importance on values you may have. but feel for whatever reason you're not living by as much as you want to.

Hope this helps x

'Why don't you just eat'? Managing unhelpful comments video

Heard something this week I found anxiety provoking and initally difficult to manage. It's a personal experience but I wanted to try and explain briefly how to try and deal with/rationalise  unhelpful comments when struggling with a mental illness ... (or just unhelpful comments on general!!) video below...

THe chronicles of coronavirus anxiety...

I've always struggled with managing anxiety. Like everyone else, the coronavirus has brought different challenges. A lot of the time irrational thoughts can cause anxiety. Yet, the coronavirus is a real thing, a real anxiety. As humans, we crave security and stability. When the 'unknown' (like the virus) comes along, it can bring a lot of uncertainty. With uncertainty brings a lack of control. There are some things we can control and some things we can't. We have to be able to tolerate uncertainty and acknowlege the things we can/cannot change.

On a personal level, the pandemic has fuelled my anxiety due to the reasons above. Anxiety manifests in many different ways for different people. It's common to want to 'control' anxiety, but typically this control involves behaviours that can help in the short term, but long term  increasingly makes anxiety worse.

For whatever reason, I've unconciously been using food as a way to cope. I've had a good few years of stability with anorexia and proud of myself for this. Recently I've struggled a little without even realising this. I feel embarassed to admit this. I always worry theres a pressure when you've recovered that you can't show if you're struggling, a sort of expectation you believe others will have of you. However, this expectation only ever really comes from oursevles. People around us only ever want to help, so its not a shameful thing. The problem is, the more and more you give in to eating disorder thoughts, the harder it becomes to get out of it again. The thing is, an eating disorder is only a SYMPTOM of something else. And for me that something else is anxiety. As important as it is to deal with the issues on the surface i.e. increasing portions, becoming less rigid with food etc etc, the main thing to tackle is whats causing these behaviours; anxiety. Until this is properly dealt with, it'll never go away.

I've always tried to avoid tackling this. When professionals mention reading up on anxiety etc and how to go against it, i always role my eyes. Because it feels like homework. However, last week I decided if i wanted to tackle it, i could do it in a creative form to make it more enjoyable to work on. So i've created an 'anxiety book' to work on like a self-help tool. When starting it I read so much scientific useful information about anxiety. I like getting scientific infornation to help understand why we do certain things. Neuroscience helps understand anxiety from the perspective of the brain. I wanted to share what i've learnt as it doesn't just apply to eating disorders as its quite generic. Below is a picture of how anxiety looks in the brain.

Anxiety occures when the amygdala part of the brain (emotional memories and our learnt reactions) is over stimulated and overpowers the prefrontal cortex part of the brain responsible for rational and logical thoughts.











Anxiety is a good thing. We all need to feel anxious in order to release adrenaline which we need in  order to do things. For example, It's ok to be nervous about starting a new job, or meeting new people etc. This is all natural. The problem is when the anxiety becomes persistant which can disrupt your daily life in different ways (in my case fuelling an eating disorder). Generalised anxiety can be defined as 'a chronic state of severe worry end tension...Overprotection of fears can play a role in forming an anxious disposititon'

There's a vicious cycle of anxiety that we have learnt and trained our brains in using when faced with anxiety. I.e., feeling anxious about something and try and deal with it by taking it out on food. BUT, all this does is reinforce anxiety. It may feel better in the short term, BUT it only fuels the cycle of anxiety. The more and more you do this as a way to get short term release, your brain is processing this coping strategy so whenever you feel anxiety this is how you cope with it. The more this cycle goes on, the less anxiety your brain can tolerate. This means that siutations which normally dont ma  you feel anxious, will start becoming anxious. The good news is...... this cycle can change.


Our brain can be 'rewired' through new behaviours. Overtime this replaces the old neuro pathways (negative coping strategies) with new ones. This takes dedication and learning to TOLERATE anxiety. So for me this would be adhering to new goals set by the dietician. These in the short term will heighten my anxiety. But this should be completely expected. The important thing is learning to tolerate this. Overtime if you're persistant enough and go against irrational thoughts, the anxiety decreases.

I know this may all sound strange. but these strategies can change someones anxiety so they can live a more meaniful life without it inteferring so much . So this is what i'm testing out. I guess i can see it as a 'project'. My dietican gave me the idea of writing this blog as a way of coping, and sharing this journey with others who may too struggle with anxiety..  So here goes nothing!!! There may be ups and downs but i'm sick of eating disorders and MORE sick of anxiety so lets kick it in the butt once and for all! xx