I've always struggled with managing anxiety. Like everyone else, the coronavirus has brought different challenges. A lot of the time irrational thoughts can cause anxiety. Yet, the coronavirus is a real thing, a real anxiety. As humans, we crave security and stability. When the 'unknown' (like the virus) comes along, it can bring a lot of uncertainty. With uncertainty brings a lack of control. There are some things we can control and some things we can't. We have to be able to tolerate uncertainty and acknowlege the things we can/cannot change.
On a personal level, the pandemic has fuelled my anxiety due to the reasons above. Anxiety manifests in many different ways for different people. It's common to want to 'control' anxiety, but typically this control involves behaviours that can help in the short term, but long term increasingly makes anxiety worse.
For whatever reason, I've unconciously been using food as a way to cope. I've had a good few years of stability with anorexia and proud of myself for this. Recently I've struggled a little without even realising this. I feel embarassed to admit this. I always worry theres a pressure when you've recovered that you can't show if you're struggling, a sort of expectation you believe others will have of you. However, this expectation only ever really comes from oursevles. People around us only ever want to help, so its not a shameful thing. The problem is, the more and more you give in to eating disorder thoughts, the harder it becomes to get out of it again. The thing is, an eating disorder is only a SYMPTOM of something else. And for me that something else is anxiety. As important as it is to deal with the issues on the surface i.e. increasing portions, becoming less rigid with food etc etc, the main thing to tackle is whats causing these behaviours; anxiety. Until this is properly dealt with, it'll never go away.
I've always tried to avoid tackling this. When professionals mention reading up on anxiety etc and how to go against it, i always role my eyes. Because it feels like homework. However, last week I decided if i wanted to tackle it, i could do it in a creative form to make it more enjoyable to work on. So i've created an 'anxiety book' to work on like a self-help tool. When starting it I read so much scientific useful information about anxiety. I like getting scientific infornation to help understand why we do certain things. Neuroscience helps understand anxiety from the perspective of the brain. I wanted to share what i've learnt as it doesn't just apply to eating disorders as its quite generic. Below is a picture of how anxiety looks in the brain.
Anxiety occures when the amygdala part of the brain (emotional memories and our learnt reactions) is over stimulated and overpowers the prefrontal cortex part of the brain responsible for rational and logical thoughts.
Anxiety is a good thing. We all need to feel anxious in order to release adrenaline which we need in order to do things. For example, It's ok to be nervous about starting a new job, or meeting new people etc. This is all natural. The problem is when the anxiety becomes persistant which can disrupt your daily life in different ways (in my case fuelling an eating disorder). Generalised anxiety can be defined as 'a chronic state of severe worry end tension...Overprotection of fears can play a role in forming an anxious disposititon'
There's a vicious cycle of anxiety that we have learnt and trained our brains in using when faced with anxiety. I.e., feeling anxious about something and try and deal with it by taking it out on food. BUT, all this does is reinforce anxiety. It may feel better in the short term, BUT it only fuels the cycle of anxiety. The more and more you do this as a way to get short term release, your brain is processing this coping strategy so whenever you feel anxiety this is how you cope with it. The more this cycle goes on, the less anxiety your brain can tolerate. This means that siutations which normally dont ma you feel anxious, will start becoming anxious. The good news is...... this cycle can change.Our brain can be 'rewired' through new behaviours. Overtime this replaces the old neuro pathways (negative coping strategies) with new ones. This takes dedication and learning to TOLERATE anxiety. So for me this would be adhering to new goals set by the dietician. These in the short term will heighten my anxiety. But this should be completely expected. The important thing is learning to tolerate this. Overtime if you're persistant enough and go against irrational thoughts, the anxiety decreases.
I know this may all sound strange. but these strategies can change someones anxiety so they can live a more meaniful life without it inteferring so much . So this is what i'm testing out. I guess i can see it as a 'project'. My dietican gave me the idea of writing this blog as a way of coping, and sharing this journey with others who may too struggle with anxiety.. So here goes nothing!!! There may be ups and downs but i'm sick of eating disorders and MORE sick of anxiety so lets kick it in the butt once and for all! xx
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