I haven't posted on here in a while but I've got so many bloody thoughts spinning around in my head I wanted to get out..
It's been nearly 3 months since I left hospital and I'm still living in the beautiful city of York. I absolutely love been here. There's plenty of opportunities for jobs and volunteering, groups to join, social things to get involved in etc etc. The only annoying thing getting in the way of completely throwing myself into what this city has to offer is myself. - I feel so stuck in my own little bubble because of rules etc , I feel like I'm not fully living life to its full.
I was a bit naive to say the least that when I was discharged from hospital I would be completely cured and everything would fall into place (A happy ever after kind of thing - which was a bit silly of me to think!). So it was a bit of a shock to say the least when I hadn't prepared myself for thoughts creeping back. I didn't really know what to do with them because like I said - I thought I was free of them. My way of managing them was to just 'go with it' and do whatever made me feel better at the time. However, before I knew it 'just going with it' had become a little bit more, and a bit more and quickly I found myself trapped in my thoughts - and it was all my bloody fault due to being so naïve! My way of coping with stress and feeling in control of things is taken out through food, so I should have been more weary of this when I left.
Where I am today - I'm aware of what I could have prevented through hindsight, but I can now get back on track independently, along with great outpatient support and support from friends and family. I'm following what I need to follow but I still feel stuck. I feel like I have to follow rules in order to feel safe, so if I've eaten something I feel bad about I'll have something safer to make up for it - but this is just another way of letting my thoughts win because if this was ok it would be making me happy but it doesn't; it's just making me feel trapped and like I'm a prisoner to myself. I don't want to do things half-heartedly - Ideally I would like to throw myself into getting back on track, but because I'm so worried and rigid I don't know how. I want to move out of safety and be more free. Sometimes during the evenings when I'm fed up of following rules/safety I have this glimmer of 'fuck it;' and plan to throw rules and routine out of the window, but when I wake up the next day, this glimmer has fizzled out and I find myself doing the same old and feeling more and more stuck and not pushing myself - not comparing what I ate yesterday to today and what I'll be having tomorrow. The most frustrating thing is that no matter how much support there is around, I physically have to do what I need to do myself and that is the most hardest thing because as much as you might want it, it's the bloody thoughts that get in the way and you just end up in a cycle.
Weight loss is just a side effect of eating disorders but I mainly just want to be the old me again, be more care free and throw myself 100% into recovery without compromising with my eating disorder. I want to be involved more in 'life' again , Rather than just survive each day in my little safety bubble. I think Christmas has shown me just how much food is a massive part of being social, and following rules etc makes you feel you can't enjoy it as much and I always feel guilty for this and just want to be 'in the moment' when spending time with family/friends, rather than being pre-occupied with irrational thoughts that shouldn't really matter.
I just want to throw myself 100% into recovery, rather than attempting it but compromising with my eating disorder too -and I know it doesn't really work like that if you want to 'properly' recover. How many challenges do I set myself each week? The problem with food 'challenges' is that what I think is a challenge, someone else wouldn't so it gets difficult. I just want to throw away all my rules at once, but terrified at the same time. How many challenges is enough? How many is too little? aghhhh I don't know! But these are the kind of things going in my mind right now and I just want some reassurance or something I don't know! If anyone has advice that would be great haha. (I don't even know if any of this really makes much sense!)
Chelsea X
Wednesday, 28 December 2016
Wednesday, 10 August 2016
What is this 'Recovery' malarkey?
It's been nearly a year since I last posted something on here, so thought I'd give it another go...
I wanted to talk about the definition of 'Recovery', in terms of recovering from anorexia, or in fact any other mental illness. It's viewed as a positive; which of course it is, but what does Recovery actually mean? How do you measure how far in recovery you are, or when you can class yourself as being recovered? Is there a list of things you need to achieve, in which when all of the boxes are ticked you are classed as fully 'Recovered'?
I feel there may be a misconception of what 'Recovery' actually is, or what it means. I know for myself that I've found the word confusing to understand, and my own interpretation of the meaning has changed overtime.
A couple of years ago I viewed 'Recovery' as being this amazing, exciting thing in which my whole life would be 'perfect'. Better than it would have ever been before any illness. I would be happy all the time, without a care in the world, I wouldn't care what I looked like or what I ate, and nothing would go wrong. My idea of recovery sounded like a fairy-tale. Life with or without an illness is never 'perfect', so I have no idea why I ever considered recovery to be like this, and of course it wasn't. Why was I so surprised?
I did a quick google definition of what recovery is, and it defines it as "a return to a normal state of health, mind or strength'. I know from reflection, that I completely mis-interpreted what Recovery meant, and it's only since I've been in York I've started to realise what it means for me. Recovery isn't a new fantastic, different, better than ever life. Recovery can be introducing things back in your life, that you may have lost, such as friends, family, education/jobs, hobbies etc etc. Every day things that you take for granted, and can begin to appreciate again.
I also used to worry that recovery meant you had to be perfect, and struggling would be a sign of weakness. I'm now coming to the realisation that this isn't true. Life isn't always fun and games; difficulties will come into our lives but it's the resilience and strength to overcome these that shows we are 'recovering', and if something goes wrong, or we make a bad decision....it's not the end of the world!
Not really sure what I'm trying to say but I've been thinking about this for a while..so if you've got to this line thank you for reading! Xx
I wanted to talk about the definition of 'Recovery', in terms of recovering from anorexia, or in fact any other mental illness. It's viewed as a positive; which of course it is, but what does Recovery actually mean? How do you measure how far in recovery you are, or when you can class yourself as being recovered? Is there a list of things you need to achieve, in which when all of the boxes are ticked you are classed as fully 'Recovered'?
I feel there may be a misconception of what 'Recovery' actually is, or what it means. I know for myself that I've found the word confusing to understand, and my own interpretation of the meaning has changed overtime.
A couple of years ago I viewed 'Recovery' as being this amazing, exciting thing in which my whole life would be 'perfect'. Better than it would have ever been before any illness. I would be happy all the time, without a care in the world, I wouldn't care what I looked like or what I ate, and nothing would go wrong. My idea of recovery sounded like a fairy-tale. Life with or without an illness is never 'perfect', so I have no idea why I ever considered recovery to be like this, and of course it wasn't. Why was I so surprised?
I did a quick google definition of what recovery is, and it defines it as "a return to a normal state of health, mind or strength'. I know from reflection, that I completely mis-interpreted what Recovery meant, and it's only since I've been in York I've started to realise what it means for me. Recovery isn't a new fantastic, different, better than ever life. Recovery can be introducing things back in your life, that you may have lost, such as friends, family, education/jobs, hobbies etc etc. Every day things that you take for granted, and can begin to appreciate again.
I also used to worry that recovery meant you had to be perfect, and struggling would be a sign of weakness. I'm now coming to the realisation that this isn't true. Life isn't always fun and games; difficulties will come into our lives but it's the resilience and strength to overcome these that shows we are 'recovering', and if something goes wrong, or we make a bad decision....it's not the end of the world!
Not really sure what I'm trying to say but I've been thinking about this for a while..so if you've got to this line thank you for reading! Xx
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