It's been nearly 3 months since I left hospital and I'm still living in the beautiful city of York. I absolutely love been here. There's plenty of opportunities for jobs and volunteering, groups to join, social things to get involved in etc etc. The only annoying thing getting in the way of completely throwing myself into what this city has to offer is myself. - I feel so stuck in my own little bubble because of rules etc , I feel like I'm not fully living life to its full.
I was a bit naive to say the least that when I was discharged from hospital I would be completely cured and everything would fall into place (A happy ever after kind of thing - which was a bit silly of me to think!). So it was a bit of a shock to say the least when I hadn't prepared myself for thoughts creeping back. I didn't really know what to do with them because like I said - I thought I was free of them. My way of managing them was to just 'go with it' and do whatever made me feel better at the time. However, before I knew it 'just going with it' had become a little bit more, and a bit more and quickly I found myself trapped in my thoughts - and it was all my bloody fault due to being so naïve! My way of coping with stress and feeling in control of things is taken out through food, so I should have been more weary of this when I left.
Where I am today - I'm aware of what I could have prevented through hindsight, but I can now get back on track independently, along with great outpatient support and support from friends and family. I'm following what I need to follow but I still feel stuck. I feel like I have to follow rules in order to feel safe, so if I've eaten something I feel bad about I'll have something safer to make up for it - but this is just another way of letting my thoughts win because if this was ok it would be making me happy but it doesn't; it's just making me feel trapped and like I'm a prisoner to myself. I don't want to do things half-heartedly - Ideally I would like to throw myself into getting back on track, but because I'm so worried and rigid I don't know how. I want to move out of safety and be more free. Sometimes during the evenings when I'm fed up of following rules/safety I have this glimmer of 'fuck it;' and plan to throw rules and routine out of the window, but when I wake up the next day, this glimmer has fizzled out and I find myself doing the same old and feeling more and more stuck and not pushing myself - not comparing what I ate yesterday to today and what I'll be having tomorrow. The most frustrating thing is that no matter how much support there is around, I physically have to do what I need to do myself and that is the most hardest thing because as much as you might want it, it's the bloody thoughts that get in the way and you just end up in a cycle.
Weight loss is just a side effect of eating disorders but I mainly just want to be the old me again, be more care free and throw myself 100% into recovery without compromising with my eating disorder. I want to be involved more in 'life' again , Rather than just survive each day in my little safety bubble. I think Christmas has shown me just how much food is a massive part of being social, and following rules etc makes you feel you can't enjoy it as much and I always feel guilty for this and just want to be 'in the moment' when spending time with family/friends, rather than being pre-occupied with irrational thoughts that shouldn't really matter.
I just want to throw myself 100% into recovery, rather than attempting it but compromising with my eating disorder too -and I know it doesn't really work like that if you want to 'properly' recover. How many challenges do I set myself each week? The problem with food 'challenges' is that what I think is a challenge, someone else wouldn't so it gets difficult. I just want to throw away all my rules at once, but terrified at the same time. How many challenges is enough? How many is too little? aghhhh I don't know! But these are the kind of things going in my mind right now and I just want some reassurance or something I don't know! If anyone has advice that would be great haha. (I don't even know if any of this really makes much sense!)
Chelsea X
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