Bulimia - The 'Ugly Truth'

Bulimia...

This topic has been on my mind today and I think its due to see others currently struggling with it, and knowing there will be no doubt lots of people suffering in silence too. It absolutely breaks my heart for all sufferers struggling with this eating disorder. I've struggled with this on and off whilst suffering with anorexia and was told by my consultant I had 'anorexia binge/purge subtype'...(I will explain what this means further along). For some reason during my blogging/vlogging of my recovery journey on social media this is something I haven't touched on much. Reason being? I find it the most difficult to talk about because there's so much 'shame' attached to it. And I'm even ashamed to say I'm ashamed if that makes sense? And I know that so many other people that have struggled/struggle with this feel this shame too. Well no more, because it's an illness and it's absolutely horrific and the cycle you get yourself in is so utterly draining. I'm here to openly discuss my experiences with bulimia. There is NO SHAME, I'm also here to tell any current sufferers that it is possible to overcome.


For those who don't know what 'Bulimia' is, it's eating food and then compensating for this and a common way of doing so is 'purging'. Quite often sufferers will eat what may be considered a 'vast' amount of food during these episodes...'binging and purging'. This isn't the case with all sufferers as just like any other eating disorder, they are so complex and people struggle in so many different ways. And also similar to ALL eating disorders, people with bulimia can be ANY weight. In fact, evidence shows that bulimia suffers tend to be a healthy weight.

So these are my experiences of this eating disorder for those who don't understand...this is me being very open and honest so please don't continue reading if you feel it may affect you as it's a very sensitive subject....

Bulimia crept into my live during my first inpatient admission for anorexia. Whilst getting so close to a healthy weight and finding it difficult to mentally accept I felt this sense of being 'out of control'. For months I had been in control of my food, something no one else could do and now it had been all taken away, I felt so lost. My emotions were coming back and I didn't know what to do. I had this thought of thinking 'well I've lost all control now, so I may as well just eat anything/everything'. And that's when it started. I ate and then I purged. This is something that got stronger when I was discharged and this became a massive problem. At first it was 'my little secret', my 'safety blanket'. When anything went wrong in my life I had something I felt at the time would help me escape everything. It wasn't long before my family knew but to be honest, they probably knew before I thought they knew. I used to go upstairs, turn the shower on (usually after evening meals) and 'get rid' of what I had eaten. I was ashamed of what I was doing but unfortunately it was so strong that 'doing it' had overridden shame. I was desperate - it felt like a drug. I would spend days on end buying so much food (and as a consequence spending so much money) to eat until I couldn't eat anymore to then (literally just throw it down the toilet). I'm sorry that may sound gross but like my title says - that's the ugly truth. Even when my family knew what I was doing I felt I 'had to do it' and just accepted that they knew what I was doing in the bathroom. When I was too embarrassed I would go to town, go to lots of different shops to buy food and find the nearest public toilet, I was so so desperate and nothing was going to stop me. It's a horrible cycle; the guilt turns into shame (which continues the cycle - making it harder to stop), guilt - shame, guilt shame etc etc.

After a few months I began to address this but my way of trying to 'fix' this was to control my food again but completely the other way. I remember thinking 'yesss I've stopped this' but unfortunately anorexia wormed it's way back into my life which led to me coming to another unit in York . As to why someone would develop bulimia, everyones reasons are so different. I explained why I felt mine started and it's because I have such a 'black and white' , 'all or nothing' way of thinking - which is a lot better now. Bulimia can help to escape and 'numb' emotions just like anorexia can. For me, I've figured for years I've used food as a form of control, and deep down it's just all to block out any emotions. Because of my 'all or nothing' way of thinking I couldn't find a middle ground. I either had to eat nothing or eat lot's and compensate for it. I felt stuck like this was how my relationship with food was going to be for the rest of my life - but it wasn't/isn't. After struggling later on last year with anorexia I had episodes of binging/purging which lead to waiting a certain amount of hours/days to eat again until I felt the guilt had lessoned and I was worthy of eating. Luckily since getting back to a healthy weight and developing a healthier relationship with food, knowing that NO food is bad, everything in moderation etc etc I haven't struggled with this.

Bulimia has so many health consequences:
- Low potassium - which leads to heart problems and can cause death
- Red and dry skin
-Dehydration
- Weakness
-Tiredness
.. and so many more

I want any suffer to know right now that they are not along, and CAN overcome this. It's nothing to be ashamed about, and you are WORTHY of recovery. As sad as this may sound, if I could take away eating disorders/or any mental health illness away from anyone/everyone I really would. It makes me so so sad and this is why the one good thing about my journey is the fact that I know what I want to work in mental health. Because I am passionate and if I contributed to saving just 1 persons life it would truly be an honour.

A is for anxiety...

Haven't written a blog in a while but had an exhausting day and writing these seems therapeutic to me.

I can't really be bothered to update on what's happend since my last post (as most of you who follow me on facebook/Instagram will already know from my updates).

So I'm here, I'm alive and I'm a healthy weight. God it feels weird to type out those words! On the whole everything is positive. I'm starting to 'live' more rather than just exist. The one thing I'm noticing at the moment is my anxiety is so strange at the minute, and I think I'll find it difficult to explain because it feels so messy in my head so I'll give it a go..

Most of you who may read this will probably know I started getting panic attacks in January which feel horrendous (those who've had them will know!!). Over the past few months they have subsided and I only get them every now and then which is a massive improvement. So here goes the really weird bit..

Since having my first panic attack I've been so in tune with my body in terms of looking after my health (which you could argue is a good thing) but my anxiety has gone to the extreme. Most days without fail I'll feel my breathing feel 'funny' (like...not right), my muscles feel so tense, my chest is tight and every time this happens I feel like something bad is happening. I just don't understand. And because I don't understand that's why I find it so difficult to explain. It feels like I walk around with this massive sense of 'dread' on my shoulder wherever I am, wherever I go and it consumes me sometimes. I'm happy, I'm healthy so why am I feeling like this?!?! Please someone help me?? I've been to a&e more time in the past few months than I have in my lifetime! The irony is I never use to look after myself in the gripse of anorexia; I didn't care. But I'm now healthy and every body sensation I fear the worst? I sound crazy? It just doesn't make sense!???

And I'm happy, I'm working towards a future I never thought or believed I'd have so why do I feel like this?  I just feel like I need to calm down all the time and I use all skills I've learnt to do this. Anyway, I had my review today and they're going to support me with this and are prescribing me with some short term/quicker affect medication until I stop feeling like this. I just feel confused as to why this is happening, I just want to feel normal if that makes sense?

Things are good guys I promise I just don't get where this has come from!??!?