Haven't written a blog in a while but had an exhausting day and writing these seems therapeutic to me.
I can't really be bothered to update on what's happend since my last post (as most of you who follow me on facebook/Instagram will already know from my updates).
So I'm here, I'm alive and I'm a healthy weight. God it feels weird to type out those words! On the whole everything is positive. I'm starting to 'live' more rather than just exist. The one thing I'm noticing at the moment is my anxiety is so strange at the minute, and I think I'll find it difficult to explain because it feels so messy in my head so I'll give it a go..
Most of you who may read this will probably know I started getting panic attacks in January which feel horrendous (those who've had them will know!!). Over the past few months they have subsided and I only get them every now and then which is a massive improvement. So here goes the really weird bit..
Since having my first panic attack I've been so in tune with my body in terms of looking after my health (which you could argue is a good thing) but my anxiety has gone to the extreme. Most days without fail I'll feel my breathing feel 'funny' (like...not right), my muscles feel so tense, my chest is tight and every time this happens I feel like something bad is happening. I just don't understand. And because I don't understand that's why I find it so difficult to explain. It feels like I walk around with this massive sense of 'dread' on my shoulder wherever I am, wherever I go and it consumes me sometimes. I'm happy, I'm healthy so why am I feeling like this?!?! Please someone help me?? I've been to a&e more time in the past few months than I have in my lifetime! The irony is I never use to look after myself in the gripse of anorexia; I didn't care. But I'm now healthy and every body sensation I fear the worst? I sound crazy? It just doesn't make sense!???
And I'm happy, I'm working towards a future I never thought or believed I'd have so why do I feel like this? I just feel like I need to calm down all the time and I use all skills I've learnt to do this. Anyway, I had my review today and they're going to support me with this and are prescribing me with some short term/quicker affect medication until I stop feeling like this. I just feel confused as to why this is happening, I just want to feel normal if that makes sense?
Things are good guys I promise I just don't get where this has come from!??!?
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