After struggling to manage my eating disorder, I came back to Grimsby in January for a bit of "rest bite" and to be around family. I couldn't continue living as I was because it was becoming too difficult so something needed to change.
Initially I was reluctant to come home as York has stole my heart and was/still is where I want to live my life. I spent the first 2/3 weeks 'giving up' as I had become lost and felt however much I tried, everything seemed too much. I didn't know how to get rid of this 'voice' in my head - it had continued to be the voice I couldn't not obey, the voice that controlled every decision I made - ultimately zapping all of my time and energy, I had no time for anything else and this made me miserable. No matter how much I thought I'd try it would still always be there, and couldn't imagine being free of it.
My family have been amazing and have massively helped me just by being there. My care was a bit messed up so I've been in limbo because being back home temporarily meant that it made it harder to access support. So an assessment, meeting and phone calls happened and the waiting game started. But after a while, my motivation had increased and I became fed up of waiting. Fed up of clinging onto hope that my recovery could be given to someone else to sort out for me. I wanted to get up and try again, but without any compromises. It's tiring getting up time and time again and doubting your own abilities but what's the alternative? Not trying? What's that going to lead to/achieve? A bit of fight came back and I wanted to take advantage of this, and use it to get back up again.
For the past five weeks that's what I've tried to do. I say try because it's a difficult process but it's probably been the best 5 weeks at getting back on track and putting the most effort into recovery since this all started. And weirdly this has happened whilst waiting for answers about further support so I feel quite empowered that I've managed to do this on my own (with family and friends helping of course - but temporarily without professionals. I'm not ashamed to say that during this past few weeks, I've managed to gain some weight and (I feel anxious to say this)..but I'm actually quite proud of myself because I've never been able to achieve this whilst living at home/in the community. It's mentally challenging to accept in a positive way, when negative thoughts overtake and make you feel ashamed of this...but these feelings are only temporary and in the grand scheme of things, this is part of the process of GAINING BACK LIFE , which is what I'm working towards.
I feel like my heads a bit more screwed on, and I feel ready to return to York to continue this process. I don't want to go back to how it was before but this is all in my control. 'Recovery' takes time so I hold my hands up and accept there's a lot to still work on and will do whatever I can to overcome this ****** disorder. I've just started seeing a therapist which I'm grateful for, and will help guide me through this process in order to not let the thoughts win again. I will not let it take away any more of my life. I sometimes do the unhelpful thing of comparing myself to other people in terms of how people around me are living their lives. I sometimes dwell on what I should/could have achieved by now, but I guess it's accepting everyones journeys in life is different. Recovery can take years but if it the outcome is living a 'normalish' life by being well enough to control the thoughts enough to ignore them, it will definitely be worth it. So I accept that things worth having take time and it's ok to prioritise your health. Watch this space York I SHALL be back soon ;)
No comments:
Post a Comment