I wanted to talk a bit about Panic Attacks. Up until January I had never experienced them before, nor did I really know much about them. If I'm completely honest, if you were to ask me a few months ago what one was, I would have just said something along the lines of 'it's when people get a bit nervous when they're out in public...and maybe something to do with not liking big crowds of people". I completely COMPLETELY underestimated how awful they can and got it absolutely wrong of what they actually are.
What are panic attacks and my experiences...
Online it defines a panic attack as "a sudden surge of overwhelming anxiety and fear", which is quite broad. I wanted to use my experiences of how they are for me. (I feel slightly embarrassed and 'crazy' to share this but it makes it easier to explain - so here goes!)...
Rewind to January when I was in York. I was stuck in a routine with food and struggling to 'recover properly. My days consisted of rigidly following rules I irrationally believed were keeping me safe and easing my anxiety in the short term, but over time the list of rules expanded which became too overwhelming and I became tired trying to appease them all, in order to get some sort of peace in my head. I felt like my mind was filled with constant worry and 'what if's' if I didn't complete everything - I felt like I was on edge all the time and never truly felt relaxed or content with what I had done. One evening, I was thinking about how fed up and trapped I felt with my daily routine, and wondering how and when I could get out of feeling like I'm stuck in a rut and just existing. As I went to bed that night and tried to sleep, I leapt out of bed when what felt like It came from no where, my heart was pounding rapidly and I couldn't control it. It was like something I've never experienced before. I couldn't breathe properly and thought I was just going to black out. I honestly thought I was having a heart attack or dying! I grabbed my phone to ring an ambulance to say I was having a heart attack and I remember the urgency I felt and just wanted someone to come right now to save me. I also remember thinking "shit, this is It, I'm going to die right here, right now, and I haven't even lived my life properly". Luckily my housemate was at home and contacted my support worker who came to the house. They suspected it was a panic attack but I didn't believe it because of 1) not knowing what they were and 2) how could such strong physical symptoms make me feel like I was dying? We went to a&e where we waited and on the way I was shouting asking are we nearly there because I'm going to die! I can't believe how crazy I must have seemed but I genuinely believed it, and it seemed like it was going to happen any minute because I couldn't control what was going on in my body. We left after a 6 hour wait, but had calmed down by this point and felt 'grateful to be alive!). I still didn't quite believe that what I had experienced was a panic attack.
The next day I went into town and could feel all the physical symptoms coming on again and they didn't seem to go away - again I thought I was dying so headed in to the nearest shop to get support (trust it to be bloody Toymaster!). The staff were absolutely lovely and sat me down until I felt better.
A couple of days after these events I was back in Grimsby and the panic attacks kept on happening. I still didn't believe it was this though so ended up in a&e again with my Dad. Nothing I seemed to do/not do would help. I felt like I was going to experience these 'attacks' constantly. They would happen in the house, in the car and my worst nightmare - out in public and I felt helpless to myself with what to do. After research into panic attacks and re-assurance from family, friends and doctors I started to accept what they was, and this acceptance is one of the major and most helpful things in stopping a panic attack from happening, or letting one take it's cause calmly until it's over.
Why do panic attacks happen?
I'm still not quite sure on this one, but for me I think because I'm so used to 'getting rid'/'easing my anxiety' straight way, I don't allow myself to feel what I believe to be is 'anxiety provoking' so over time, my tolerance to anything remotely anxiety provoking became lower and lower. This meant that I had sort of tricked my brain into thinking that tiny things all had massive anxiety attached to them so my body was on alert all the time, causing the attacks and the physical symptoms that came with it. It's like the fight or flight mode. You end up training your brain to analyse normal situations into 'life or death ones', so even when you're not feeling anxious, the physical sensations can start to come because you're brain is processing everything in the wrong way and sending unnecessary messages at the wrong time. I still can't quite believe how powerful the mind is...how emotions and feelings can have so much power that it caused all the physical sensations to happen...
Symptoms of panic attacks (a lot of these symptoms are what I've experienced so might not be exactly what other people experience/may differ but I've also been given other accounts of indivudals whom have also experienced them:
- Rapid heart beat (this is why people LIKE ME! believe they are having heart attacks when experiencing a panic attack
- Struggle to breathe - due to not giving your brain enough oxygen which in turn, makes you feel woozy and like you're going to black out
- Feeling extremely hot or cold - This is probably from a rapid heart beat but you can go from sweating, to feeling absolutely freezing even if you're inside somewhere warm
The inability to speak properly - Because there's so much happening physically in your body, it's hard to draw sentences together as you're mind is going ten to the dozen wondering how the hell to control what's going on
- DEPERSONALIZATION - This is one of the main things I struggle with and had no idea until recently it was part of a panic attack that people experience. If I feel an attack coming on (especially if I'm in public somewhere) sometimes I feel like I'm in my own 'dreamworld', like I have completely lost touch of reality. It's so hard to explain but I feel like I'm walking and looking around but I'm not quite 'there'. Last week when I experienced this, I pinched myself and stared at my reflection in a mirror to try and 'get back' into reality but nothing seemed to work. This made me feel more crazy and I couldn't understand what was happening but feel relieved now that I know it's all part of what sometimes happens so quite common when experiencing a panic attack.
How to prevent/ride through a panic attack:
Acceptance: as daft as it sounds, acceptance is the best 'remedy' in preventing an attack or riding through one. Once you've got the awareness that you know what is is/what's happening, you get reassurance in the fat that no matter how awful it feels, you will be ok (and in my case won't die!)
Slow breathing: This seems an obvious one too but the reasons why a lot of the physical symptoms happen in the first place, is because you're not getting enough oxygen through your brain so if you try and get in control of your breathing, this really helps with not worsening the symptoms and calming your body back down again to a more 'calm state'
Getting space: If you're in a busy space, with lot's of people and noise and you start to feel an attack coming on, moving away and getting fresh air/being in a more open area can really help as you can focus on being more in control of your breathing etc in a calmer place
Using a paper bag to help control breathing; Believe me, it does work! my Dad got me a bag from the fish and chip shop the other day!
Listening to mindfulness music: This helps to calm the mind down and ride through any of the physical symptoms
Not drinking lots of caffeine: My mistake, these can bring on panic attacks if you're feeling anxious and I've only recently realised this! When I've cut down on caffeine it's massively reduced physical symptoms/panic coming on in public
I wanted to write this to share my experiences/help anyone that's experienced anything similar to know what you're not alone and what you experience is completely ok and normal (even when it feels crazy and ABnormal) and I absolutely respect what you may have gone/are going through because I honestly did underestimate how horrible they can be. But you CAN overcome them and don't let them get in the way of living your life because you are in control of them and they cannot hurt you even when you feel like they can :)
Chelsea Xx
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