It's dawned upon me that I'm a few days away from it being 1 year since I left my inpatient admission..and 1 year where I know hand on heart that'll I'll be looking back at my last ever discharge. No more hospitals, more 'living'.
Looking back over this year is strange...because it's been weird. So many up's and downs but the main thing is that where I am now I will stay. No going back. I want to continue exploring and growing into this 'living concept'. Because so far it has proven to be so much more of a worthy and enjoyable life.
It's amazing how things can change so quickly and a reflection of this year proves it...
- Leaving hospital on the same day as moving house in the city what I was so excited to live in York
- Having my future planned out in my head including finish my degree, that whilst typing this I would have finished by now
- Being quite naive to the fact that recovery is an ongoing process and not really preparing for any old thoughts to come back
- Being surprised as anyone else that struggles crept in, and embarrassed to be honest with people about this
- 'Celebrating' another Christmas which to be honest was dreadful, because of how I'd allowed myself to slip again. (I remember dreading coming home for it. Countless phone calls with my mum on how I would manage the food and the social aspect and letting the stupid voice in my head dictate how I would spend this Christmas).
- The new year brought new challenges and I couldn't quite understand how I would climb back out of this dark hole again. The result being having to come home for a couple of months in order to decide where I was to go from here. Looking at another hospital stay and the massive uncertainty about what was going to happen
- Slowly loosing the chance of being able to live back in York again
- Giving the opportunity to come back to York if I got my eating back on track
- Half -hearted attempts at 'recovery' by myself but becoming sick of the same result;still being stuck
- The realisation of what I had lost to my eating disorder. I had 2 options: To continue, and be sent back to Grimsby or to prove myself
- I don't know how/why it happened but I chose recovery. Recovery involving absolutely no compromises as this had only ever resulted going back to square one. Doing it properly. Accepting the uncomfortable feelings and riding through them.
- It worked. Doing recovery for real gave me my life back gradually. I was able to come back to York
- As the thoughts were being managed in the right way, I had more room in my head to start building the life that I wanted
- Starting to do things I enjoyed like volunteering in order to help with the future career I want
- Building up friendships. Meeting a new friend who is pretty much like me. We are so similar it's strange. Being able to go out and do 'normal' things without eating disorders getting in the way. Eating out, laughing until you cry, doing random things and just being 'yourself'. It brings so much happiness
- Trying to build on my future and now waiting to move to my first ever flat (right next to my friend!!)
- Looking forward to this Christmas
- Appreciating life for what it is and all the amazing opportunities it can bring with good health
I honestly can't believe how so much can change/happen in a year. When I write the above reflection of the year it has ended positively. But what I want to say is it is not in any way a miracle cure. You don't wake up one day and the thoughts that have controlled you have gone away. They're still there. The only difference is the motivation/determination to not let the disorder control you anymore is stronger. It's stronger because you are sick of the outcome of obeying all of these thoughts. You obey them because you believe it will bring you peace and happiness, but it does the complete opposite. You have to fight the thoughts. You have to accept that it's going to be horrible at first and you will get upset and feel like you're not strong enough to fight them..but you are. Anyone is. You have to get angry at the voice, angry in the right way. You do the complete opposite. The more you do this, the more you're in control of you're own life. The thoughts get easier overtime to overcome. They are still there but they're quieter which means you can focus on more meaningful things in life. It's like an enemy in your head which can pop up out of nowhere. But whatever it tells you to do, you have to ignore it. You can't believe anything it says. This is why being in recovery from an eating disorder takes years. It's still there in your head but you can either let it control or YOU can control it.
Saturday 30 September 2017
Tuesday 12 September 2017
Meal plans during eating disorder recovery...
'Meal Plans' during anorexia recovery are probably one of the hardest things to thing about. After all, it's about FOOD and tackling your eating disorder head on.
Throughout 4 years of struggling with anorexia and bulimia, planning meals have always been difficult. When you're in hospital although the eating of the actual food is obviously daunting in the early stages, the actual meal planning is done for you at the start. Which in some ways is so much easier and again, difficult in terms of giving up what you've previously stuck to and handing all responsibility to someone else.
Getting the balance right outside of hospital in order to maintain recovery I initially found extremely hard - eating enough to gain weight and also including the right kind of things to prevent binge/purge urges. To begin with is I always used to convince myself what I had planned was 'right'; but this wasn't me that thought it was right, it was that stupid other part of me...the 'eating disorder'. Every time I stuck to this kind of plan I would end up where I had started - Struggling to maintain/gain weight with the occasional binge/purge (bloody hell I was hungry what did I expect would happen!?!? So until recently, I had to become strict with myself. No messing out, no restricting, no taking anything out etc etc...if I'd done this all before and it never helped me would it suddenly help me now? It's so difficult because even though you sometimes know rationally what is 'enough' and what types of food you can, portions and all that...the stupid thoughts make you believe it is all wrong. Science and facts are all wrong...really? That's why you have to throw the rule book away and start afresh. Start properly.
I'm no nutritionist/dietician and everybody is different but this is what worked for me. I followed a meal plan similar to those in a hospital unit to begin restoring weight. This may help some people but again...everyone is different so i'm not saying this is right for everybody.
Breakfast: A full bowl of cereal & 2x toast/crumpets (no skimping on spread etc - these rules have never helped you before!
Morning snack: biscuits/chocolate bar etc etc
Lunch: Sandwich with substantial filling with crisps and yogurt/choc bar/things like that!
Afternoon snack: ice cream/biscuits
Dinner: Carbs, protein with veg/salad ('normal portions) and a hot pudding (sponge & custard , cake and ice cream etc)
Supper: Crumpets/cereal/pancakes with fruit
The meal plan above helped me to gain weight. But there had to be no compromises , no taking anything out, no 'diet foods' etc...
When heading towards a healthy weight I didn't just take half of my intake out because for me personally, it would have increased binge/purge urges which has happened when I've done this before in the past. Instead, my hunger cues were coming back so I listened to my body; what it wanted, when it wanted it. I didn't cut any sort of foods out. There was no big transformation to my meal plan - my body just knew what it wanted. This massively helped with flexibility. I don't really have a meal plan I follow which I'm so so happy about it because I've always been rigid and never really believe I would ever get to the hunger/fullness stage. I still eat breakfast, lunch and dinner and of course snacks! Yes..snacks. You can't cut things like this out when you've had an eating disorder because it leaves you vulnerable for things to start spiralling back down. I eat pudding when I fancy it, I can go out for lunch and pick what I fancy, it just feels a lot more free.
Don't get me wrong..just by writing this down it isn't easy at all. It's as difficult if not MORE difficult than just listening to the eating disorder because you still get the guilty thoughts but instead, you chose to override them on continue regardless. This is why you have to be so so strict with yourself. Also, there are still things I find difficult but if I've got to this stage and it's bloody amazing it can only get better.
When trying to recover and going through the difficult feelings you have to think to yourself the good ol' quote 'short term pain, long term gain'...because this is so true. Believe me, it is. Being able to have a piece of cake when you fancy it, accepting invitations to go out for dinner with friends, not having 'set meal times' These are worth any more than whatever an eating disorder has giving you.
Hope this helps someone xx
Sunday 3 September 2017
Busiest week of my life in..forever!
What defines being 'busy'? I'm guessing this definition everyone would interpret differently depending on what each individual considers to be 'busy'.
During recovery, even though you're giving your body the fuel it needs it's still absolutely exhausting; emotionally. As soon as you feed your body the energy it needs you'd expect yourself to be bouncing around full of life. Its emotionally exhausting.
I've noticed that week by week my energy levels are getting noticeably better but it's felt quite slow
This is what happened during my recent 'Recovery experience...
1) First few weeks in recovery - Sleeping and eating (energy wise: absolutely shattering)
2) 2nd month or so - Same as above and going out to the shops a few times and maybe meeting up with someone once or twice
3) 3rd/4 month: All of the above but going out more but feeling incredibly shattered by the end of it and sleeping more in the day
4) Present: Spending more time out socialising, piecing life together again bit by bit (and the occasional nanna nap)
My definition of 'busy' changes all of the time. A couple of months ago going out for an hour or so in the day time and sleeping in the day would be my busy due to energy levels, which to someone else would not have been a 'busy' at all.
For me... I've literally had 'Thee Busiest' week of my life in literally months. I thank my energy levels for this and I know continuing and moving forward, these energy levels with improve even more so, allowing me to fit more in my day. I can honestly say if I had not chosen recovery /were still at the early stages I would not be able to hold down a job - I'd be falling asleep all the time. This is why I'm incredibly grateful for my ever-growing energy levels haha - because it's setting me up for a better future i terms of being able to function normally doing day to day things like having a job and working long hours, with still the time and energy to fit in other things Anyway...back to my 'busiest week' ha...
My now 'better functioning body' has allowed to meet up with friends which I did a few times this week, eat out, go on a 'walking day' with my housing association, attend a psychiatrist appointment, run my first ever 'art therapy group at my volunteering, and spend the bank holiday weekend with my family.
Spending time with my family was amazing. It was just so 'normal' enjoyable and relaxing Time went so fast..too fast. A few months back a weekend like this would have been completely different. I didn't dread seeing my family, but I dreaded how I was going to juggle anorexia with 'appearing OK, happy and normal'. Anorexia doesn't like change, it doesn't like flexibility and it certainly doesn't like it when 100% of your time is dedicated to 'It'. This is why it became quite hard to see friends/family. 'It' didn't like it'. The thoughts/planning to meet up with people was difficult. It wasn't a simple thought of 'Oh I'm going to see so and so..'. It was more like 'You'll have to make sure you go on a long walk in case you're sat down for a long time'...'Make sure you have X or lunch and have it at this specific time and if you have it any later then it's too late - you can't eat'....'You can only spend X amount of time when seeing this person because you need to make sure you're thinking/planning/worrying about food & exercise'..'You'll have to go on another walk after meeting your friends/family just in case the first one wasn't enough'. This is why it became really difficult to genuinely enjoy spending time with people..Instead trying to force a smile, trying your hardest to concentrate on the conversation when 'It' is the forefront in your mind and trying to ignore it, and not feel guilty for what your'e doing seems almost impossible.
The above described compared to what its like to spend time with other people is the complete opposite. No voice nagging at you telling you off for 'socialising'. Instead genuine enjoyment, laughter and making memories. It feels like you're born again when you start getting enjoyment from things like this Everything seems new and surreal but in the most amazing way. The bank holiday with my family was fabulous. Spending quality time with my Mum, sister and Simon. Eating nice food including malteser & white chocolate ice cream (which can I say was amazing!, laughing, seeing my mum so much happier, being interested in what they have been up to and smiling. I'll never forget this weekend and for all the right reasons You know when you was a kid and that feeling you get when it's the night before going back to school after you've had a holiday? That sort of sad feeling about not wanting to go back because you've enjoyed being off! I kind of felt like that this bank holiday...sad afterwards because I had such a good time. Definitely looking forward to the next one!
Chelsea X
During recovery, even though you're giving your body the fuel it needs it's still absolutely exhausting; emotionally. As soon as you feed your body the energy it needs you'd expect yourself to be bouncing around full of life. Its emotionally exhausting.
I've noticed that week by week my energy levels are getting noticeably better but it's felt quite slow
This is what happened during my recent 'Recovery experience...
1) First few weeks in recovery - Sleeping and eating (energy wise: absolutely shattering)
2) 2nd month or so - Same as above and going out to the shops a few times and maybe meeting up with someone once or twice
3) 3rd/4 month: All of the above but going out more but feeling incredibly shattered by the end of it and sleeping more in the day
4) Present: Spending more time out socialising, piecing life together again bit by bit (and the occasional nanna nap)
My definition of 'busy' changes all of the time. A couple of months ago going out for an hour or so in the day time and sleeping in the day would be my busy due to energy levels, which to someone else would not have been a 'busy' at all.
For me... I've literally had 'Thee Busiest' week of my life in literally months. I thank my energy levels for this and I know continuing and moving forward, these energy levels with improve even more so, allowing me to fit more in my day. I can honestly say if I had not chosen recovery /were still at the early stages I would not be able to hold down a job - I'd be falling asleep all the time. This is why I'm incredibly grateful for my ever-growing energy levels haha - because it's setting me up for a better future i terms of being able to function normally doing day to day things like having a job and working long hours, with still the time and energy to fit in other things Anyway...back to my 'busiest week' ha...
My now 'better functioning body' has allowed to meet up with friends which I did a few times this week, eat out, go on a 'walking day' with my housing association, attend a psychiatrist appointment, run my first ever 'art therapy group at my volunteering, and spend the bank holiday weekend with my family.
Spending time with my family was amazing. It was just so 'normal' enjoyable and relaxing Time went so fast..too fast. A few months back a weekend like this would have been completely different. I didn't dread seeing my family, but I dreaded how I was going to juggle anorexia with 'appearing OK, happy and normal'. Anorexia doesn't like change, it doesn't like flexibility and it certainly doesn't like it when 100% of your time is dedicated to 'It'. This is why it became quite hard to see friends/family. 'It' didn't like it'. The thoughts/planning to meet up with people was difficult. It wasn't a simple thought of 'Oh I'm going to see so and so..'. It was more like 'You'll have to make sure you go on a long walk in case you're sat down for a long time'...'Make sure you have X or lunch and have it at this specific time and if you have it any later then it's too late - you can't eat'....'You can only spend X amount of time when seeing this person because you need to make sure you're thinking/planning/worrying about food & exercise'..'You'll have to go on another walk after meeting your friends/family just in case the first one wasn't enough'. This is why it became really difficult to genuinely enjoy spending time with people..Instead trying to force a smile, trying your hardest to concentrate on the conversation when 'It' is the forefront in your mind and trying to ignore it, and not feel guilty for what your'e doing seems almost impossible.
The above described compared to what its like to spend time with other people is the complete opposite. No voice nagging at you telling you off for 'socialising'. Instead genuine enjoyment, laughter and making memories. It feels like you're born again when you start getting enjoyment from things like this Everything seems new and surreal but in the most amazing way. The bank holiday with my family was fabulous. Spending quality time with my Mum, sister and Simon. Eating nice food including malteser & white chocolate ice cream (which can I say was amazing!, laughing, seeing my mum so much happier, being interested in what they have been up to and smiling. I'll never forget this weekend and for all the right reasons You know when you was a kid and that feeling you get when it's the night before going back to school after you've had a holiday? That sort of sad feeling about not wanting to go back because you've enjoyed being off! I kind of felt like that this bank holiday...sad afterwards because I had such a good time. Definitely looking forward to the next one!
Chelsea X
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