Whirlwind of a year...

It's dawned upon me that I'm a few days away from it being 1 year since I left my inpatient admission..and 1 year where I know hand on heart that'll I'll be looking back at my last ever discharge. No more hospitals, more 'living'.

Looking back over this year is strange...because it's been weird. So many up's and downs but the main thing is that where I am now I will stay. No going back. I want to continue exploring and growing into this 'living concept'. Because so far it has proven to be so much more of a worthy and enjoyable life.

It's amazing how things can change so quickly and a reflection of this year proves it...
- Leaving hospital on the same day as moving house in the city what I was so excited to live in York
- Having my future planned out in my head including finish my degree, that whilst typing this I would have finished by now
- Being quite naive to the fact that recovery is an ongoing process and not really preparing for any old thoughts to come back
- Being surprised as anyone else that struggles crept in, and embarrassed to be honest with people about this
- 'Celebrating' another Christmas which to be honest was dreadful, because of how I'd allowed myself to slip again. (I remember dreading coming home for it. Countless phone calls with my mum on how I would manage the food and the social aspect and letting the stupid voice in my head dictate how I would spend this Christmas).
- The new year brought new challenges and I couldn't quite understand how I would climb back out of this dark hole again. The result being having to come home for a couple of months in order to decide where I was to go from here. Looking at another hospital stay and the massive uncertainty about what was going to happen
- Slowly loosing the chance of being able to live back in York again
- Giving the opportunity to come back to York if I got my eating back on track
- Half -hearted attempts at 'recovery' by myself but becoming sick of the same result;still being stuck
- The realisation of what I had lost to my eating disorder. I had 2 options: To continue, and be sent back to Grimsby or to prove myself
- I don't know how/why it happened but I chose recovery. Recovery involving absolutely no compromises as this had only ever resulted going back to square one. Doing it properly. Accepting the uncomfortable feelings and riding through them.
- It worked. Doing recovery for real gave me my life back gradually. I was able to come back to York
- As the thoughts were being managed in the right way, I had more room in my head to start building the life that I wanted
- Starting to do things I enjoyed like volunteering in order to help with the future career I want
- Building up friendships. Meeting a new friend who is pretty much like me. We are so similar it's strange. Being able to go out and do 'normal' things without eating disorders getting in the way. Eating out, laughing until you cry, doing random things and just being 'yourself'. It brings so much happiness
- Trying to build on my future and now waiting to move to my first ever flat (right next to my friend!!)
- Looking forward to this Christmas
- Appreciating life for what it is and all the amazing opportunities it can bring with good health

I honestly can't believe how so much can change/happen in a year. When I write the above reflection of the year it has ended positively. But what I want to say is it is not in any way a miracle cure. You don't wake up one day and the thoughts that have controlled you have gone away. They're still there. The only difference is the motivation/determination to not let the disorder control you anymore is stronger. It's stronger because you are sick of the outcome of obeying all of these thoughts. You obey them because you believe it will bring you peace and happiness, but it does the complete opposite. You have to fight the thoughts. You have to accept that it's going to be horrible at first and you will get upset and feel like you're not strong enough to fight them..but you are. Anyone is. You have to get angry at the voice, angry in the right way. You do the complete opposite. The more you do this, the more you're in control of you're own life. The thoughts get easier overtime to overcome. They are still there but they're quieter which means you can focus on more meaningful things in life. It's like an enemy in your head which can pop up out of nowhere. But whatever it tells you to do, you have to ignore it. You can't believe anything it says. This is why being in recovery from an eating disorder takes years. It's still there in your head but you can either let it control or YOU can control it.