In 12 more days I'll officially be moving into my first flat. It'll be the most independence I've ever had which am so bloody excited about. I was at University in London for 2 years so stayed in student halls and my friends house, but with shared rooms etc so the concept of having my own kitchen, bathroom etc feels like a dream.
Independence is what I've craved for such a long time, but never in the right way. Obeying and reacting to thoughts from an eating disorder gives you a false sense of 'control', which to me translated into independence. I convinced myself I was like this because I liked being on my own, and much preferred going places by myself. But hindsight has shown me this wasn't independence at all. There's a fine line between enjoying time on your own and isolating yourself. I know from looking back I was in isolation from the world, in order to only listen to the thoughts in my head and what they were telling me to do, instead of anything/anyone else. The irony of all this is that, anorexia stripped away every last bit of independence. It does the exact opposite. I know that for myself and many other people, it can sort of make put you in 'child mode'. Some of this is due to your brain just not functioning properly and some of this is because at some point, people will step in, and that's when the 'control' can be handed over to someone else.
Going from being happy-go-lucky at University and not really relying on anyone else to being put in hospital where people made every decision for you is so so weird. You're at the age in which society tells you that you can look after yourself, to then other people doing this for you? It's like you get stripped back to a child. The food you put in your mouth, the places you go and whether you can even walk or not is all made for you. It's so crazy. This is why family and friends try and tell a sufferer 'they're not in control at all', but when your in the depths of it all you truly believe you are. It's not until later on you realise they were right, and you were wrong. I never really speak about this but another form of 'not feeling independent' that comes to mind was the day I was sectioned, and looking back it's probably one of the worst days of my life. The feeling of being trapped somewhere you can't escape even if you wanted to. Just 'knowing' if you wanted to do something you couldn't. It made me angry that some signed papers had so much power to control a human being. No independence whatsoever. I always remember one of the first things the doctor said to me 'You won't be allowed to enter America right now' which I thought was completely random but funny story.... which me and my mum laugh at now: When on a section I had this brilliant idea to book a holiday to America for myself and my mum which was for 2 weeks time. I didn't even tell my mum until I had booked it. I have absolutely no idea what was going through my mind and safe to say we didn't end up going and I sold the holiday! But it makes me and my mum laugh when we talk about it.
Anyway I went on a bit of a tangent but for the first time in my 'adulthood', this is my first biggest test of independence. I'm currently living in a shared support house and where I'm going is my own flat and I'll see a housing support worker once a week. In 2 years time, I'll then be flying solo and getting my own pad with no housing support worker which is exacting. I'm happy with the next step I'll be taking. It feels like the 'right' one. I have zero experience in interior design or décor but I guess you have to learn somewhere! I've got support from family and friends with the move which I'm eternally grateful for and all I can say is.....I'm exciteddddddd!
No comments:
Post a Comment