BMI bullshit

Anorexia for me has never really been about the way I look. I’ve always had this massive fear of the number on the scale going up; not because of ‘altering’ the way I look but more a feeling of loosing control. I still don’t have a true understanding of why, but my main issue is anxiety so I think it somehow links to this.

What I find extremely difficult and know others do to, is if you are no longer in the ‘danger zone’ weight wise, the assumption by many even including some professionals is ‘you’re cured’. This is not specifically relating to me, but from past experiences, and hearing from others. I’m lucky to have amazing support from a professional.  But I feel like so many people are left to slip under the net once they are deemed ‘healthy’ I.e not close to death and at this point treatment is stopped. The irony being that people say ‘as soon as you’re healthy we can start working on your mental health and what’s fuelling this’ yet you’re deemed less of a risk therefore low priority for treatment once you’ve reached this. Make sense 🤷🏻‍♀️? I don’t think so!

It’s a lot easier mentally to act on your eating disorder for an ‘easier life’, than it is to actually go against this. Weight gain is horrible. Emotions coming back is horrible.   But although it’s hard, it’s obviously worth it but no one tells you how difficult it’s going to be. This is why it makes me so sad when I hear of people not getting the mental health support they need once healthy, even though they need it now more than ever.

I never feel like there’s much out there to help those who are now healthy, to learn new ways to cope, how to regulate emotions etc. No one tells you what it’s like to live in what feels like a new home; your new body. Not specially relating to body image but sort of like a metaphor for acting on thoughts/emotions in a more healthy way. But back on the ‘healthy range’ of a BMI scale? You’re now apparently cured but where’s that support that you were promised? I feel like that’s what is so misunderstood about eating disorders. BMI bullshit. Of course, it can be used as a guidance to assess someone’s physical health but what about the mental health? A number going up doesn’t suddenly magic your emotional difficulties/anxieties etc away. It would be good if it could!

However, if you have a few people... even just 1 person  in your life who understands eating disorders are so much more than BMI’s then the most important thing is to use those people for support when you need it. It’s not always about the quantity of support you have, more so the right support. 

I have 1 eating disorder professional whom I work with and honestly the support I receive from this person is more than enough because it’s the RIGHT support. Family and friends get it too. So just remember support doesn’t always have to be in the form of a professional, it can also be from those closest to you who ‘get it’.

I’ll give you some examples of how a ‘healthy’ person can struggle with an eating disorder and that is me! I’m no longer underweight which is obviously a good thing but the mental torture that can sometimes still be there sometimes feels harder than it was before.

• I’ve been healthy for well over a year now but I’m still aiming to get to my set point weight. A healthy person trying to gain weight? Yep, I said it! Sue me. Every person has a set point weight (where it’s body naturally is at), and if youre below this your body isn’t happy because it means you’re restricting.
• And when I say restricting that doesn’t mean eating an apple a day and that’s it. Restriction can be so so minuscule and to an outsider looking in as long as you’re eating 3 meals a day or whatever that’s ok. But it’s not. Every individual needs different amounts of nutrition to stabilise at a weight. Some need more, some need less. I eat 3 meals a day, snacks , chocolate etc but I struggle in the form of portion sizes so I can technically eat anything as long as I’m ‘in control’ of how much. This is just something I need to learn to crack which will help me reach set point weight. 
• Flexibility: I currently follow a meal plan and the aim is to stick to eat and not miss things out etc. For the rest of my life I don’t want to have to do this but for now, it helps. But honestly I can’t bloody wait to just follow my hunger queues. Grap a handful of crisps if I’m feeling peckish or maybe just because I want too!!! And not having fear foodstuff. But I know these things I want to achieve CAN happen IF I want them to.

So for anyone who can relate/has had issues with BMI bullshit in the past please know you’re not alone. And those who you feel are a support, use them. Talk through anxieties, talk through irrational thoughts/urges surrounding food because it helps. It really does. Just don’t feel you are alone because chances are, you’re not. Someone will have gone/be going through the same things you are. 

The long term affects of anorexia

I was debating about writing this because it’s quite personal but its made me realise just how much eating disorders can affects you in so many different ways. Even if you’re recovering/recovered. The body isn’t stupid and repair can take years. I’m technically a healthy weight therefore I assumed my body would be on board with this but it’s not always that simple, and this blog post is about an affect that is quite specific to what’s going on right now.

What I’m going to write may be considered gross/personal/too much info whatever so if you don’t like the though of reading about how eating disorders can affect your downstairs area then probably best not to read on!!!


Quite a comment effect of anorexia is weakening of the bones. Many people including myself have osteopenia which luckily can be reversed if a healthy weight is maintained and there is plenty of calcium in your diet. Unfortunately if the bones continue to weaken it can develop into osteoporosis which quite a lot of people that have had anorexia have. Your bones continue to weaken which can be seen in older people, but if you have it early, your bones will start to break down/get weaker at an earlier age which is really sad.

Another consequence of eating disorders is to do with your bowels and this can be due to loads of different reasons. Lack of nutrition impacts on the digestive system and makes it a lot harder to go to the toilet. Also if people have abused laxatives this can also make it a lot more difficult to regulate bowel movements. I struggled with laxative abuse in the past but luckily got weaned off then in hospital and my bowel habits returned to normal.

However, what I didn’t quite realise is the fact that bowel problems don’t just go away overnight and can continue even if you’re recovering/recovered. Up until recently I started to have issues with my bowels and found out that it had prolapsed. I went to the doctors about this but they told me it’s nothing to worry about because ‘people my age don’t get them’ so I basically took her word for it and believed it wasn’t a prolapse. Prolapses are basically when the muscles around  your stomach/down below get weakened and your rectum turns inside out and protrudes outside. (Lovely!). These are common with old age or if you’ve give birth it can happen too.

Mine started getting worse and basically the lump coming out started getting bigger. Then suddenly I noticed the same thing had happened to my vagina - which is not a pretty sigh at all!!. I went back to the doctors and they confirmed it was a prolapse and I was referred for surgery.

When I saw the consultant last week he told me mine are due to past problems with weight. Apparently when there’s not enough  fat around that area that is a risk factor, and your muscles get weaker. I couldn’t believe it when he told me this. Because I thought I’m healthy now, so why has this happened? But like I said earlier your body plays catch up and doesn’t just repair overnight.


So now I’m awaiting surgery where they open your stomach and pull everything back up!! And cut some of your bowel out to prevent it happening again.


The reason as to why I’m being open about this is because I want to highlight the long term affects of anorexia - and how these affects can follow you even if you are now healthy. I just find it crazy how the body works and how weight can impact your body in so many different ways. Initially I felt this whole surgery thing was like a punishment for having had anorexia. Rationally I know it isn’t and there’s nothing I can do to change it - I just have to deal with it.

‘Poorly days’

Yesterday morning I woke up feeling groggy with a cough/cold coming on and when I tried to get up I felt worse. (And was also the icing on the cake after a horrendous week of a&e and hospitals but that’s another story)!  I came to the conclusion it was going to be one of those ‘sick days’.Ideally where you stay indoors, hidden under a duvet drinking lemsip and resting!

I use to love poorly days when I was younger. A day off school (best part!) and permission to bring your duvet down into the front room to watch  trashy kids tv. My mum used to bring me lucozade and a ‘girl talk’ magazine (who remembers  these 🙃🙌🏻)

As much as I would have loved a sofa day, nowadays it’s like I’m battling with 2 sides in my head if I’m ever Ill. My body tells me to rest whilst other thoughts tell me this isn’t allowed. This is because of OCD rules and niggling eating disorder thoughts that are present in my mind. 

I struggle with having to clean my flat top to bottom every day which I’m not ashamed of admitting. So when a ‘poorly day’  ‘inconveniantly’ comes along it’s mental torture because the OCD part is telling you to get up and start the cleaning routine regardless ; poorly or not it’s no excuse. But this task becomes that much harder because your body physically isn’t allowing it. 

Then I’m greeted with thoughts surrounding food. Don’t get me wrong, I’m in the best place I’ve ever have been with anorexia, but some days thoughts just creep up on you, even when you don’t expect it. I don’t really have an issue with exercise anymore but knowing if I stayed  in bed all day was translated in my mind to ‘you’ll be lazy, you don’t deserve to eat because you wont need it’.

Needless to say, I spend the first couple of hours of the morning debating how to spend the day. Trying to argue both irrational/rational thoughts in order to come to a conclusion as to what I would do. 

Rational points: 

• listen to your body, it’s telling you to rest so honour that
• If you don’t clean today the world won’t and it doesn’t bloody need cleaning anyway
• You’re more likely to recover quickly if you take it easy and rest
• You still need to eat. It’s not a reward and doesn’t need to be ‘earnt’. You’re not going to balloon overnight. Your body’s not going to be thinking ‘Ey up, she’s not out and about , lazy cow. She’s in bed let’s add a few more pounds on her body to counteract this’ - although bodies are clever, they’re not clever enough to know if you are in bed or not 😅 bloody hell!
• Not eating isn’t going to help, it’ll probably make you feel worse not better 
• Food is a necessity not something you have to complete tasks for 

Irrational thoughts: 

• you are an absolute failure at life if you don’t do your normal cleaning routine
• You’re head will feel messy 
• You haven’t done anything to deserve a ‘duvet day’ 
• You’ll wake up tomorrow and would have doubled in size. Why eat when you haven’t done anything to earn it? 
• You’re lazy 
• You will waste the day 

I even sound crazy even writing some of these thoughts out but I was honestly so conflicted with all of this thoughts spinning around in my head. But that’s the thing..THOUGHTS are just THOUGHTS. It’s how you act on these thoughts with your behaviour that matters the most.

The easy option would have been to run with the irrational thoughts in order to get a peace of mind. The harder option was to   go by the rational thoughts and have a ‘duvet day’. And that’s what I did. I accepted the situation, knew I’d recover better if I rested and did just that. I also ate  regardless of staying in bed all day....(shock horror, call the negative thoughts police and have me arrested 👩🏻‍✈️✋🏻😅). 

It was the hardest option because it wasn’t easy and the consequence was that I felt guilty on and off throughout the day. But I know I’ve helped myself make decisions like this in the future easier, and overtime the guilt will lessen. 

I wanted to write about this because I can’t be the only one that struggles with sick days if they have mental health issues that get in the way? 

It’s weird because something so simple like being physically unwell can trigger so many irrational thoughts 🤷🏻‍♀️? 

And I’ll end this right here by reporting

A) I’m still alive 

B) I’m not a failure (or at least I hope not😅)

C) I haven’t ballooned overnight 

D) My house is still standing after not cleaning 

E) I feel a lot better ! 

...just goes to show that not acting on irrational thoughts is the best thing you can ever do X

Set-point weight theory

A couple of years ago after messing with my weight for too long I finally found my 'set-point weight'. This is the weight your body natural falls at, and can fluctuate between a few kilos. With a normal diet including over-eating some days, underweight on other your body will always try and stay within your set-point as this is where it's most happy and can function the healthiest. Everybody's set point will be different.

When I got to my set-point it wasn't focused on 'numbers' anymore, I was mentally more free. Food wasn't as rigid, I could be a lot more flexible and most importantly I was happy, and my body was healthy too.

I've always wanted to get back to my set-point but anxiety overwhelms me with fear, stopping me from reaching this. Every since I developed anorexia I've always been more fixated on numbers. The number on the scale has always defined me, but numbers stretch out to other parts in my life like timings and routine. It's crazy because I don't quite understand why this is, but I'm guessing it's somewhat linked to control and wanting to feel 'safe'.

It's difficult when you're recovering from an eating disorder as with weight gain, you sort of have goals. E.g reach a 'healthy BMI of 18.5', or most recently reach a BMI of 20. The problem is, psychologically when you have reached these numbers you sometimes feel you are 'cured' and are now healthy. But that's not true. Your intrusive thoughts don't miraculously disappear when you reach these goals. I sometimes think anorexia tricks you into thinking you're not recovered because from a statistic you are now classed as healthy. But this is just NOT true. In fact, less than 2% of the population are a BMI of 18.5 and the majority of people have a BMI over 20. This is why its easy to get stuck in recovery when you convince yourself the work when you've ticked a BMI chart.
 I've been watching so many helpful vlogs and one stuck to my mind which is so so true. If you're not at your set-point weight your still in restriction mode just to be able to keep at the weight you are. And whilst doing this, your not completely letting go of your eating disorder and this is where i'm at.

I'm eating everyday and regularly but I still feel stuck. I feel stuck because I feel I have to maintain the weight i'm at. It's still classed as healthy so this mental barrier is what is difficult to get past and move forward. I eat regularly and because of this I think, I don't need to change. But I know I WANT TO CHANGE. All I want is to be flexible with food but I know this can't happen unless I get to my set-point. So to do this means challenging thoughts and shock horror...WEIGHT GAIN. And this is where the intrusive thoughts start to convince me I'm being ridiculous.... 'But you're a healthy weight...you don't NEED to gain anymore weight...you'll lose control". Battling with two different sides of your heads is so bloody difficult sometimes.

The thing is though....I have to ask myself "Am I completely happy" and the answer is no. And if you want changes in your life you actually have to make the effort to MAKE the changes happen. I don't want to be stuck in a rigid routine, on a meal plan, feeling repetitive with everything and feeling scared to go out my comfort zone. If I want to enjoy my life more, I know this is something I have to do.

Sometimes I picture in my head waking up tomorrow, eating as when, and WHAT  I want, eating cake and drinking frappucionos without a care in the world and not feeling guilty. This would be great but unfortunately it's not as easy as that. Recovery isn't always this picture... in the short term its eating when you're not hungry, not negotiating with your eating disorder. feeling uncomfortable and feeling FULL. This is the part I tend to run away from and avoid. But the thing is, these feelings need to be FELT if I want to change. No one said it was going to be easy but I know in the long term it'll be worth it .

I'm sick of 'playing it safe' because you don't realise how much your life is restricted so I'm going to be a rebel and actually try say **** you to all the rules. It's easier said than done, but I always think ... 'what's the worst that can happen'? and the worst that can happen is nothing. I'm not going to die, my world around me won't stop...in fact my world will actually get bigger and better. So here goes nothing x

Anxiety: You’re physically present but you’re mind feels elsewhere

Anxiety!

I’m mainly writing this blog post to see if anyone out there has experiences of the same thing (what I’m going to explain!)

I already know that my main issue relating to mental health is anxiety. I’ve come to understand this during the past 2 years.

This time last year was when I suffered from panic attacks for the first time ever. The main emotion o felt when these happened was ‘dread’ and impending doom. I always felt like I was going to die and I felt I was confirming this to myself when my heart was racing, I felt really warm like I was going to pass out and sometimes I felt like I wasn’t present; like I was in a dream or something. I’ve come to the understanding that I only experienced these things when in a panic attack.

Fast forward to now, and I don’t suffer from panic attacks anymore and I think bags the result from coming to understand them more, and looking at evidence of when they’ve occurred,  nothing bad has ever happened (I haven’t died!). These past couple of weeks I’ve been feeling more stressed and anxious then normal. But on the past couple of days I’ve felt the ‘impending doom’ again. I was out earlier and I felt like I wasn’t there; even though I was. I felt like I was not in touch with reality and this made me feel crazy. I wasn’t having a panic attack because I didn’t get the racing heart etc. It’s just that as soon as I felt detached that’s when the impending doom feeling came. It feels horrible and I wish there was an explanation for it. I’ve felt overwhelmed with my emotions recently and I don’t know if this has lead to how I felt? I just feel confused because I don’t have panic attacks anymore.

Sorry for the ramble I just wanted to reach out in case anyone else has ever felt the same (and for reassurance I’m not going mad!!) 

Chelsea xx