The 'Struggle Switch'

I've been reading from a book called 'the happiness trap' and understanding something called 'the struggle switch'. It basically uses a 'light switch' turning on/off as an analogy for difficult emotions.

When we feel a difficult emotion, it normally triggers our struggle switch to turn ON. Say for example you feel anxious about something. If you start panicking about knowing you're feeling anxious, it can cause a ripple effect of even more emotions to enter your mind. You may feel sad or angry that you're feeling anxious, and then annoyed at yourself because 'you shouldn't feel anxious', and then sad. Trying to battle with all of these emotions at once only perpetuates the anxiety. I'll give you an example. I've struggle with meal portions . Something i've always found hard but with lockdown it's become harder for whatever reason. After a dietician appointment and weigh in came a reality check. For the past week I've been increasing  meal portions. ( i know this may sound a bit bizarre but i cannot explain how terrifying this is, and i've always avoided it just for 'short term relief'. It causes huge anxiety. When i'm feeling anxious about it i then have a mental battle going on and thoughts such as 'this is too much, i'm not going to be able

to tolerate is, i'm out of control, i don't want to feel guilty, why can't i do this, why am i a failure'.....blah blah blah. You can see how one thought/feeling can snowball into lots more,. All that ends up happening is you end up feeling worse. So clearly it's not worth giving the thought too much attention??

This is where turning the 'struggle switch OFF' comes in. It's natural to feel difficult emotions. We all do. It's normal. Without the bad, we wouldn't feel the good. The arguement is, when anxiety comes in, it's about accepting this is happening, but not giving it too much thought. It's easier said then done. But it's about trying to be present in the moment to distract yourself from the thought. It's not about avoidance as you're accepting this is how you're feeling, but moving on. Emotions come and go. It's impossible for the anxiety to stay forever. Anxiety only ever peaks and then comes down. So with the food example practising this would be to think 'I feel anxious, but I knew i would, so this is no suprise.' And then trying to focus on something else. Anything; what's around you, the conversation with someone else you may be having, what you're doing tomorrow, Just anything other than getting anxious about the fact you're anxious. 

It seems such a simple concept but it takes practice. If your brain is used to reacting a certain way when dealing with emotions, you have to create a new neural pathway. The more you practice, the more you're brain will start thinking 'this is the new way of dealing with this emotion'. 

Are you living by your own personal values?

We all have values in our lives that can define us. These are what we place importance on and try and 'live by'. These could be characteristics or behaviours. Core values can be things such as 'loyalty', 'kindness', 'assesrtiveness', 'honesty', 'confidence' etc etc. Our own values are used to help base decisions on. Most of these decisions are made subconciously. For example. you don't think 'I'm going to meet my friend today because i place high value on friendship'... if thar's something you just naturally do if that's on of your beliefs.  

Values can link massively to our own happiness. In todays world, a lot of us base our happines on external things. We rely on 'what's next in our life'. Is it the new house, new car, job promotion or new fitness plans we're waiting for, and once we've reached these goals we'll become happy? I'm guilty of this. We live in a world that is all about moving up the ladder, wanting bigger and better things. BUT, what tends to happen is, we reach one of our 'goals' we've been focusing on for the past x amount of months/years, get there, and move straight onto what we want next. When this happens, you don't really focus on 'being in the moment'; focusing on that first goal yoi've been dreaming about and working so hard for. Instead, you're too busy working on reaching that next goal. 

What if happiness came from our values? I've started reading a book called 'The happiness trap' based on ACT therapy, and i truly believe this. Alhough we would all love to be 100% living by every single on of our personal values ALL the time. it's not always that easy, and sometimes impossible. You might have a value you place high importance on, but can't fully commit to living by it. And that's completely normal. Life gets in the way. But what i'm trying to say is when we chase happiness, a lot of this can actually come from reassessing our values, rating which ones we find to be the most importance, and putting in small realistic goals each month/year of how we might achieve this. But without pressure. We put so much pressure on ourselves and therefore if we don't do something we hoped, we can automotically feel a failure which is not true!!!

For example, a core value you may have is assertiveness. This is one of mine, but one I know i'm not very good at. I think being assertive is so so important,,,but it isn't always that easier. We all want to be liked and accepted, so being assertive can sometimes cause conflict but that doesn't mean you won't be like. Sometimes you have to be assertive to get your own needs met, not say yes when you really mean no, and it helps with being open and honest with people. So a goal to live better by this value could be .."when someone asks me to do something i don't want to do but i say yes in fear of letting them down, instead i'm going to say 'can i think about it?', then that gives you the chance to conside what you really want to do, and get back to them. It gives you chance to assess what you truly want to do, and in turn is an example of being more assertive by saying no at times. You don't have to achieve this goal in 2 day, 1 week or even 1 month. It could be a long term goal as it can be easier said than done. I know myself if i was more assert, it would contribute to a better sense of self. well being on overall general happiness as i know it's a step closer to living by my own values.

When you struggle with anything mental health related it can sometimes be even harder to live by your values. The desire may be there but behaviours used to cope with mental struggles can go against these values. For example, some of my values are based on spontinaity, being more care free and flexible. I would love to eat what i want when i want and follow my hunger cues/intuitions which would link to being more care free. This for me is a long term goal but i've set goals along the way to help me get there. I find it hard to be 'spontenious', i always have to have a set plan for the day and struggle to leave the house in the evening due to my routine (yes...i'm boring haha) But i'd like to change this as I believe I could do more enjoyable things. Again, basing goals around these things can help me live mreo in line with these values. 

I know it might sound a pathetic or whatever,,,,, but it massively helps to write down your values. Until you get them on paper , you can't see what they are!!! It also helps with seeing if theres any goals you want to set to help place high importance on values you may have. but feel for whatever reason you're not living by as much as you want to.

Hope this helps x

'Why don't you just eat'? Managing unhelpful comments video

Heard something this week I found anxiety provoking and initally difficult to manage. It's a personal experience but I wanted to try and explain briefly how to try and deal with/rationalise  unhelpful comments when struggling with a mental illness ... (or just unhelpful comments on general!!) video below...

THe chronicles of coronavirus anxiety...

I've always struggled with managing anxiety. Like everyone else, the coronavirus has brought different challenges. A lot of the time irrational thoughts can cause anxiety. Yet, the coronavirus is a real thing, a real anxiety. As humans, we crave security and stability. When the 'unknown' (like the virus) comes along, it can bring a lot of uncertainty. With uncertainty brings a lack of control. There are some things we can control and some things we can't. We have to be able to tolerate uncertainty and acknowlege the things we can/cannot change.

On a personal level, the pandemic has fuelled my anxiety due to the reasons above. Anxiety manifests in many different ways for different people. It's common to want to 'control' anxiety, but typically this control involves behaviours that can help in the short term, but long term  increasingly makes anxiety worse.

For whatever reason, I've unconciously been using food as a way to cope. I've had a good few years of stability with anorexia and proud of myself for this. Recently I've struggled a little without even realising this. I feel embarassed to admit this. I always worry theres a pressure when you've recovered that you can't show if you're struggling, a sort of expectation you believe others will have of you. However, this expectation only ever really comes from oursevles. People around us only ever want to help, so its not a shameful thing. The problem is, the more and more you give in to eating disorder thoughts, the harder it becomes to get out of it again. The thing is, an eating disorder is only a SYMPTOM of something else. And for me that something else is anxiety. As important as it is to deal with the issues on the surface i.e. increasing portions, becoming less rigid with food etc etc, the main thing to tackle is whats causing these behaviours; anxiety. Until this is properly dealt with, it'll never go away.

I've always tried to avoid tackling this. When professionals mention reading up on anxiety etc and how to go against it, i always role my eyes. Because it feels like homework. However, last week I decided if i wanted to tackle it, i could do it in a creative form to make it more enjoyable to work on. So i've created an 'anxiety book' to work on like a self-help tool. When starting it I read so much scientific useful information about anxiety. I like getting scientific infornation to help understand why we do certain things. Neuroscience helps understand anxiety from the perspective of the brain. I wanted to share what i've learnt as it doesn't just apply to eating disorders as its quite generic. Below is a picture of how anxiety looks in the brain.

Anxiety occures when the amygdala part of the brain (emotional memories and our learnt reactions) is over stimulated and overpowers the prefrontal cortex part of the brain responsible for rational and logical thoughts.











Anxiety is a good thing. We all need to feel anxious in order to release adrenaline which we need in  order to do things. For example, It's ok to be nervous about starting a new job, or meeting new people etc. This is all natural. The problem is when the anxiety becomes persistant which can disrupt your daily life in different ways (in my case fuelling an eating disorder). Generalised anxiety can be defined as 'a chronic state of severe worry end tension...Overprotection of fears can play a role in forming an anxious disposititon'

There's a vicious cycle of anxiety that we have learnt and trained our brains in using when faced with anxiety. I.e., feeling anxious about something and try and deal with it by taking it out on food. BUT, all this does is reinforce anxiety. It may feel better in the short term, BUT it only fuels the cycle of anxiety. The more and more you do this as a way to get short term release, your brain is processing this coping strategy so whenever you feel anxiety this is how you cope with it. The more this cycle goes on, the less anxiety your brain can tolerate. This means that siutations which normally dont ma  you feel anxious, will start becoming anxious. The good news is...... this cycle can change.


Our brain can be 'rewired' through new behaviours. Overtime this replaces the old neuro pathways (negative coping strategies) with new ones. This takes dedication and learning to TOLERATE anxiety. So for me this would be adhering to new goals set by the dietician. These in the short term will heighten my anxiety. But this should be completely expected. The important thing is learning to tolerate this. Overtime if you're persistant enough and go against irrational thoughts, the anxiety decreases.

I know this may all sound strange. but these strategies can change someones anxiety so they can live a more meaniful life without it inteferring so much . So this is what i'm testing out. I guess i can see it as a 'project'. My dietican gave me the idea of writing this blog as a way of coping, and sharing this journey with others who may too struggle with anxiety..  So here goes nothing!!! There may be ups and downs but i'm sick of eating disorders and MORE sick of anxiety so lets kick it in the butt once and for all! xx

The unglamorous effects of an eating disorder

If anyone read my blog post back in November last year, I talked about the side effects of anorexia - and one more personal to me. I had an operation back in December on my bowel and had to have some of my bowel taken out due to the problem. Weight loss and laxative abuse overtime had caused my muscles to weaken overtime and result in one big prolapse - lovely!!

When I initially went to the doctors to report what I’d initially noticed, they wrote me off because people my age ‘don’t get those types of problems’ (and didn’t actually bother to have a properly check to to the age thing. It might be statistically and more commonly true that older people get these issues but that doesn’t mean no one else can, because I did!!!

The operation was fine it was just the aftermath both mentally and physically recovering. I stayed in Grimsby for 2 + months as that’s where I had the operation and recovered at home. It’s completely  natural to loose weight after an operation and that was the case with me. Literally a meer couple of kilos but for someone recovering from an eating disorder, it’s mentally painful to gain this back when there’s still a tiny part of your head convincing you it’s bad to do so. It’s taken me 5 months to do so but I have gained it back which may seem nothing but to keep the eating disorder at bay it was essential as anyone who’s had anorexia will know of you give an inch to ‘that voice’ it will take a mile.

My bowels are working absolutely fine now (as I’m sure everyone would love to know!), so I’ve prettt much recovered from that. However, most recently I’ve noticed the effects of the weakened muscles affect something else down below. I’m 26 for gods sake and still cringe at the word - vagina. There I said it. But if I’m able to write this blog post there’s no getting around it! I had a prolapse around that area which the surgeon hoped would correct itself once the operation as done but it hasn’t and it’s worsened.

So I’m back in Grimsby hospital next month to see what needs to be done. And honest to god I highly doubt nothing other than another operation is going to sort it out - trust me!!

I honestly don’t feel mentally ready to go through something like this again. I’ve just settled back into York again and can’t imagine haven’t to potentially go home for a short while again. Theees literally nothing I can do though. I can’t magically turn back time or pray everything will magically correct itself because it won’t. So sometimes you just have to accept what’s what, and deal with it.

I know this post isn’t glamorous but that’s the whole point - eating disorders aren’t. At the time you never ever imagine any possible long term affects of having had one. So if anyone reading this is struggling with an eating disorder, even people that might have taken the odd laxative or diet pills or are still doing - please please please just take a step back and think. Because our bodies are clever, but over time any persistent damage can result in long term complications. I know it’s not as easy as just simply saying that, but as the saying goes ‘you only get one body, take care of that shit’

BMI bullshit

Anorexia for me has never really been about the way I look. I’ve always had this massive fear of the number on the scale going up; not because of ‘altering’ the way I look but more a feeling of loosing control. I still don’t have a true understanding of why, but my main issue is anxiety so I think it somehow links to this.

What I find extremely difficult and know others do to, is if you are no longer in the ‘danger zone’ weight wise, the assumption by many even including some professionals is ‘you’re cured’. This is not specifically relating to me, but from past experiences, and hearing from others. I’m lucky to have amazing support from a professional.  But I feel like so many people are left to slip under the net once they are deemed ‘healthy’ I.e not close to death and at this point treatment is stopped. The irony being that people say ‘as soon as you’re healthy we can start working on your mental health and what’s fuelling this’ yet you’re deemed less of a risk therefore low priority for treatment once you’ve reached this. Make sense 🤷🏻‍♀️? I don’t think so!

It’s a lot easier mentally to act on your eating disorder for an ‘easier life’, than it is to actually go against this. Weight gain is horrible. Emotions coming back is horrible.   But although it’s hard, it’s obviously worth it but no one tells you how difficult it’s going to be. This is why it makes me so sad when I hear of people not getting the mental health support they need once healthy, even though they need it now more than ever.

I never feel like there’s much out there to help those who are now healthy, to learn new ways to cope, how to regulate emotions etc. No one tells you what it’s like to live in what feels like a new home; your new body. Not specially relating to body image but sort of like a metaphor for acting on thoughts/emotions in a more healthy way. But back on the ‘healthy range’ of a BMI scale? You’re now apparently cured but where’s that support that you were promised? I feel like that’s what is so misunderstood about eating disorders. BMI bullshit. Of course, it can be used as a guidance to assess someone’s physical health but what about the mental health? A number going up doesn’t suddenly magic your emotional difficulties/anxieties etc away. It would be good if it could!

However, if you have a few people... even just 1 person  in your life who understands eating disorders are so much more than BMI’s then the most important thing is to use those people for support when you need it. It’s not always about the quantity of support you have, more so the right support. 

I have 1 eating disorder professional whom I work with and honestly the support I receive from this person is more than enough because it’s the RIGHT support. Family and friends get it too. So just remember support doesn’t always have to be in the form of a professional, it can also be from those closest to you who ‘get it’.

I’ll give you some examples of how a ‘healthy’ person can struggle with an eating disorder and that is me! I’m no longer underweight which is obviously a good thing but the mental torture that can sometimes still be there sometimes feels harder than it was before.

• I’ve been healthy for well over a year now but I’m still aiming to get to my set point weight. A healthy person trying to gain weight? Yep, I said it! Sue me. Every person has a set point weight (where it’s body naturally is at), and if youre below this your body isn’t happy because it means you’re restricting.
• And when I say restricting that doesn’t mean eating an apple a day and that’s it. Restriction can be so so minuscule and to an outsider looking in as long as you’re eating 3 meals a day or whatever that’s ok. But it’s not. Every individual needs different amounts of nutrition to stabilise at a weight. Some need more, some need less. I eat 3 meals a day, snacks , chocolate etc but I struggle in the form of portion sizes so I can technically eat anything as long as I’m ‘in control’ of how much. This is just something I need to learn to crack which will help me reach set point weight. 
• Flexibility: I currently follow a meal plan and the aim is to stick to eat and not miss things out etc. For the rest of my life I don’t want to have to do this but for now, it helps. But honestly I can’t bloody wait to just follow my hunger queues. Grap a handful of crisps if I’m feeling peckish or maybe just because I want too!!! And not having fear foodstuff. But I know these things I want to achieve CAN happen IF I want them to.

So for anyone who can relate/has had issues with BMI bullshit in the past please know you’re not alone. And those who you feel are a support, use them. Talk through anxieties, talk through irrational thoughts/urges surrounding food because it helps. It really does. Just don’t feel you are alone because chances are, you’re not. Someone will have gone/be going through the same things you are. 

The long term affects of anorexia

I was debating about writing this because it’s quite personal but its made me realise just how much eating disorders can affects you in so many different ways. Even if you’re recovering/recovered. The body isn’t stupid and repair can take years. I’m technically a healthy weight therefore I assumed my body would be on board with this but it’s not always that simple, and this blog post is about an affect that is quite specific to what’s going on right now.

What I’m going to write may be considered gross/personal/too much info whatever so if you don’t like the though of reading about how eating disorders can affect your downstairs area then probably best not to read on!!!


Quite a comment effect of anorexia is weakening of the bones. Many people including myself have osteopenia which luckily can be reversed if a healthy weight is maintained and there is plenty of calcium in your diet. Unfortunately if the bones continue to weaken it can develop into osteoporosis which quite a lot of people that have had anorexia have. Your bones continue to weaken which can be seen in older people, but if you have it early, your bones will start to break down/get weaker at an earlier age which is really sad.

Another consequence of eating disorders is to do with your bowels and this can be due to loads of different reasons. Lack of nutrition impacts on the digestive system and makes it a lot harder to go to the toilet. Also if people have abused laxatives this can also make it a lot more difficult to regulate bowel movements. I struggled with laxative abuse in the past but luckily got weaned off then in hospital and my bowel habits returned to normal.

However, what I didn’t quite realise is the fact that bowel problems don’t just go away overnight and can continue even if you’re recovering/recovered. Up until recently I started to have issues with my bowels and found out that it had prolapsed. I went to the doctors about this but they told me it’s nothing to worry about because ‘people my age don’t get them’ so I basically took her word for it and believed it wasn’t a prolapse. Prolapses are basically when the muscles around  your stomach/down below get weakened and your rectum turns inside out and protrudes outside. (Lovely!). These are common with old age or if you’ve give birth it can happen too.

Mine started getting worse and basically the lump coming out started getting bigger. Then suddenly I noticed the same thing had happened to my vagina - which is not a pretty sigh at all!!. I went back to the doctors and they confirmed it was a prolapse and I was referred for surgery.

When I saw the consultant last week he told me mine are due to past problems with weight. Apparently when there’s not enough  fat around that area that is a risk factor, and your muscles get weaker. I couldn’t believe it when he told me this. Because I thought I’m healthy now, so why has this happened? But like I said earlier your body plays catch up and doesn’t just repair overnight.


So now I’m awaiting surgery where they open your stomach and pull everything back up!! And cut some of your bowel out to prevent it happening again.


The reason as to why I’m being open about this is because I want to highlight the long term affects of anorexia - and how these affects can follow you even if you are now healthy. I just find it crazy how the body works and how weight can impact your body in so many different ways. Initially I felt this whole surgery thing was like a punishment for having had anorexia. Rationally I know it isn’t and there’s nothing I can do to change it - I just have to deal with it.