A couple of years ago after messing with my weight for too long I finally found my 'set-point weight'. This is the weight your body natural falls at, and can fluctuate between a few kilos. With a normal diet including over-eating some days, underweight on other your body will always try and stay within your set-point as this is where it's most happy and can function the healthiest. Everybody's set point will be different.
When I got to my set-point it wasn't focused on 'numbers' anymore, I was mentally more free. Food wasn't as rigid, I could be a lot more flexible and most importantly I was happy, and my body was healthy too.
I've always wanted to get back to my set-point but anxiety overwhelms me with fear, stopping me from reaching this. Every since I developed anorexia I've always been more fixated on numbers. The number on the scale has always defined me, but numbers stretch out to other parts in my life like timings and routine. It's crazy because I don't quite understand why this is, but I'm guessing it's somewhat linked to control and wanting to feel 'safe'.
It's difficult when you're recovering from an eating disorder as with weight gain, you sort of have goals. E.g reach a 'healthy BMI of 18.5', or most recently reach a BMI of 20. The problem is, psychologically when you have reached these numbers you sometimes feel you are 'cured' and are now healthy. But that's not true. Your intrusive thoughts don't miraculously disappear when you reach these goals. I sometimes think anorexia tricks you into thinking you're not recovered because from a statistic you are now classed as healthy. But this is just NOT true. In fact, less than 2% of the population are a BMI of 18.5 and the majority of people have a BMI over 20. This is why its easy to get stuck in recovery when you convince yourself the work when you've ticked a BMI chart.
I've been watching so many helpful vlogs and one stuck to my mind which is so so true. If you're not at your set-point weight your still in restriction mode just to be able to keep at the weight you are. And whilst doing this, your not completely letting go of your eating disorder and this is where i'm at.
I'm eating everyday and regularly but I still feel stuck. I feel stuck because I feel I have to maintain the weight i'm at. It's still classed as healthy so this mental barrier is what is difficult to get past and move forward. I eat regularly and because of this I think, I don't need to change. But I know I WANT TO CHANGE. All I want is to be flexible with food but I know this can't happen unless I get to my set-point. So to do this means challenging thoughts and shock horror...WEIGHT GAIN. And this is where the intrusive thoughts start to convince me I'm being ridiculous.... 'But you're a healthy weight...you don't NEED to gain anymore weight...you'll lose control". Battling with two different sides of your heads is so bloody difficult sometimes.
The thing is though....I have to ask myself "Am I completely happy" and the answer is no. And if you want changes in your life you actually have to make the effort to MAKE the changes happen. I don't want to be stuck in a rigid routine, on a meal plan, feeling repetitive with everything and feeling scared to go out my comfort zone. If I want to enjoy my life more, I know this is something I have to do.
Sometimes I picture in my head waking up tomorrow, eating as when, and WHAT I want, eating cake and drinking frappucionos without a care in the world and not feeling guilty. This would be great but unfortunately it's not as easy as that. Recovery isn't always this picture... in the short term its eating when you're not hungry, not negotiating with your eating disorder. feeling uncomfortable and feeling FULL. This is the part I tend to run away from and avoid. But the thing is, these feelings need to be FELT if I want to change. No one said it was going to be easy but I know in the long term it'll be worth it .
I'm sick of 'playing it safe' because you don't realise how much your life is restricted so I'm going to be a rebel and actually try say **** you to all the rules. It's easier said than done, but I always think ... 'what's the worst that can happen'? and the worst that can happen is nothing. I'm not going to die, my world around me won't stop...in fact my world will actually get bigger and better. So here goes nothing x
Sunday, 17 June 2018
Wednesday, 24 January 2018
Anxiety: You’re physically present but you’re mind feels elsewhere
Anxiety!
I’m mainly writing this blog post to see if anyone out there has experiences of the same thing (what I’m going to explain!)
I already know that my main issue relating to mental health is anxiety. I’ve come to understand this during the past 2 years.
This time last year was when I suffered from panic attacks for the first time ever. The main emotion o felt when these happened was ‘dread’ and impending doom. I always felt like I was going to die and I felt I was confirming this to myself when my heart was racing, I felt really warm like I was going to pass out and sometimes I felt like I wasn’t present; like I was in a dream or something. I’ve come to the understanding that I only experienced these things when in a panic attack.
Fast forward to now, and I don’t suffer from panic attacks anymore and I think bags the result from coming to understand them more, and looking at evidence of when they’ve occurred, nothing bad has ever happened (I haven’t died!). These past couple of weeks I’ve been feeling more stressed and anxious then normal. But on the past couple of days I’ve felt the ‘impending doom’ again. I was out earlier and I felt like I wasn’t there; even though I was. I felt like I was not in touch with reality and this made me feel crazy. I wasn’t having a panic attack because I didn’t get the racing heart etc. It’s just that as soon as I felt detached that’s when the impending doom feeling came. It feels horrible and I wish there was an explanation for it. I’ve felt overwhelmed with my emotions recently and I don’t know if this has lead to how I felt? I just feel confused because I don’t have panic attacks anymore.
Sorry for the ramble I just wanted to reach out in case anyone else has ever felt the same (and for reassurance I’m not going mad!!)
Chelsea xx
Wednesday, 11 October 2017
12 days and counting...
In 12 more days I'll officially be moving into my first flat. It'll be the most independence I've ever had which am so bloody excited about. I was at University in London for 2 years so stayed in student halls and my friends house, but with shared rooms etc so the concept of having my own kitchen, bathroom etc feels like a dream.
Independence is what I've craved for such a long time, but never in the right way. Obeying and reacting to thoughts from an eating disorder gives you a false sense of 'control', which to me translated into independence. I convinced myself I was like this because I liked being on my own, and much preferred going places by myself. But hindsight has shown me this wasn't independence at all. There's a fine line between enjoying time on your own and isolating yourself. I know from looking back I was in isolation from the world, in order to only listen to the thoughts in my head and what they were telling me to do, instead of anything/anyone else. The irony of all this is that, anorexia stripped away every last bit of independence. It does the exact opposite. I know that for myself and many other people, it can sort of make put you in 'child mode'. Some of this is due to your brain just not functioning properly and some of this is because at some point, people will step in, and that's when the 'control' can be handed over to someone else.
Going from being happy-go-lucky at University and not really relying on anyone else to being put in hospital where people made every decision for you is so so weird. You're at the age in which society tells you that you can look after yourself, to then other people doing this for you? It's like you get stripped back to a child. The food you put in your mouth, the places you go and whether you can even walk or not is all made for you. It's so crazy. This is why family and friends try and tell a sufferer 'they're not in control at all', but when your in the depths of it all you truly believe you are. It's not until later on you realise they were right, and you were wrong. I never really speak about this but another form of 'not feeling independent' that comes to mind was the day I was sectioned, and looking back it's probably one of the worst days of my life. The feeling of being trapped somewhere you can't escape even if you wanted to. Just 'knowing' if you wanted to do something you couldn't. It made me angry that some signed papers had so much power to control a human being. No independence whatsoever. I always remember one of the first things the doctor said to me 'You won't be allowed to enter America right now' which I thought was completely random but funny story.... which me and my mum laugh at now: When on a section I had this brilliant idea to book a holiday to America for myself and my mum which was for 2 weeks time. I didn't even tell my mum until I had booked it. I have absolutely no idea what was going through my mind and safe to say we didn't end up going and I sold the holiday! But it makes me and my mum laugh when we talk about it.
Anyway I went on a bit of a tangent but for the first time in my 'adulthood', this is my first biggest test of independence. I'm currently living in a shared support house and where I'm going is my own flat and I'll see a housing support worker once a week. In 2 years time, I'll then be flying solo and getting my own pad with no housing support worker which is exacting. I'm happy with the next step I'll be taking. It feels like the 'right' one. I have zero experience in interior design or décor but I guess you have to learn somewhere! I've got support from family and friends with the move which I'm eternally grateful for and all I can say is.....I'm exciteddddddd!
Independence is what I've craved for such a long time, but never in the right way. Obeying and reacting to thoughts from an eating disorder gives you a false sense of 'control', which to me translated into independence. I convinced myself I was like this because I liked being on my own, and much preferred going places by myself. But hindsight has shown me this wasn't independence at all. There's a fine line between enjoying time on your own and isolating yourself. I know from looking back I was in isolation from the world, in order to only listen to the thoughts in my head and what they were telling me to do, instead of anything/anyone else. The irony of all this is that, anorexia stripped away every last bit of independence. It does the exact opposite. I know that for myself and many other people, it can sort of make put you in 'child mode'. Some of this is due to your brain just not functioning properly and some of this is because at some point, people will step in, and that's when the 'control' can be handed over to someone else.
Going from being happy-go-lucky at University and not really relying on anyone else to being put in hospital where people made every decision for you is so so weird. You're at the age in which society tells you that you can look after yourself, to then other people doing this for you? It's like you get stripped back to a child. The food you put in your mouth, the places you go and whether you can even walk or not is all made for you. It's so crazy. This is why family and friends try and tell a sufferer 'they're not in control at all', but when your in the depths of it all you truly believe you are. It's not until later on you realise they were right, and you were wrong. I never really speak about this but another form of 'not feeling independent' that comes to mind was the day I was sectioned, and looking back it's probably one of the worst days of my life. The feeling of being trapped somewhere you can't escape even if you wanted to. Just 'knowing' if you wanted to do something you couldn't. It made me angry that some signed papers had so much power to control a human being. No independence whatsoever. I always remember one of the first things the doctor said to me 'You won't be allowed to enter America right now' which I thought was completely random but funny story.... which me and my mum laugh at now: When on a section I had this brilliant idea to book a holiday to America for myself and my mum which was for 2 weeks time. I didn't even tell my mum until I had booked it. I have absolutely no idea what was going through my mind and safe to say we didn't end up going and I sold the holiday! But it makes me and my mum laugh when we talk about it.
Anyway I went on a bit of a tangent but for the first time in my 'adulthood', this is my first biggest test of independence. I'm currently living in a shared support house and where I'm going is my own flat and I'll see a housing support worker once a week. In 2 years time, I'll then be flying solo and getting my own pad with no housing support worker which is exacting. I'm happy with the next step I'll be taking. It feels like the 'right' one. I have zero experience in interior design or décor but I guess you have to learn somewhere! I've got support from family and friends with the move which I'm eternally grateful for and all I can say is.....I'm exciteddddddd!
Saturday, 30 September 2017
Whirlwind of a year...
It's dawned upon me that I'm a few days away from it being 1 year since I left my inpatient admission..and 1 year where I know hand on heart that'll I'll be looking back at my last ever discharge. No more hospitals, more 'living'.
Looking back over this year is strange...because it's been weird. So many up's and downs but the main thing is that where I am now I will stay. No going back. I want to continue exploring and growing into this 'living concept'. Because so far it has proven to be so much more of a worthy and enjoyable life.
It's amazing how things can change so quickly and a reflection of this year proves it...
- Leaving hospital on the same day as moving house in the city what I was so excited to live in York
- Having my future planned out in my head including finish my degree, that whilst typing this I would have finished by now
- Being quite naive to the fact that recovery is an ongoing process and not really preparing for any old thoughts to come back
- Being surprised as anyone else that struggles crept in, and embarrassed to be honest with people about this
- 'Celebrating' another Christmas which to be honest was dreadful, because of how I'd allowed myself to slip again. (I remember dreading coming home for it. Countless phone calls with my mum on how I would manage the food and the social aspect and letting the stupid voice in my head dictate how I would spend this Christmas).
- The new year brought new challenges and I couldn't quite understand how I would climb back out of this dark hole again. The result being having to come home for a couple of months in order to decide where I was to go from here. Looking at another hospital stay and the massive uncertainty about what was going to happen
- Slowly loosing the chance of being able to live back in York again
- Giving the opportunity to come back to York if I got my eating back on track
- Half -hearted attempts at 'recovery' by myself but becoming sick of the same result;still being stuck
- The realisation of what I had lost to my eating disorder. I had 2 options: To continue, and be sent back to Grimsby or to prove myself
- I don't know how/why it happened but I chose recovery. Recovery involving absolutely no compromises as this had only ever resulted going back to square one. Doing it properly. Accepting the uncomfortable feelings and riding through them.
- It worked. Doing recovery for real gave me my life back gradually. I was able to come back to York
- As the thoughts were being managed in the right way, I had more room in my head to start building the life that I wanted
- Starting to do things I enjoyed like volunteering in order to help with the future career I want
- Building up friendships. Meeting a new friend who is pretty much like me. We are so similar it's strange. Being able to go out and do 'normal' things without eating disorders getting in the way. Eating out, laughing until you cry, doing random things and just being 'yourself'. It brings so much happiness
- Trying to build on my future and now waiting to move to my first ever flat (right next to my friend!!)
- Looking forward to this Christmas
- Appreciating life for what it is and all the amazing opportunities it can bring with good health
I honestly can't believe how so much can change/happen in a year. When I write the above reflection of the year it has ended positively. But what I want to say is it is not in any way a miracle cure. You don't wake up one day and the thoughts that have controlled you have gone away. They're still there. The only difference is the motivation/determination to not let the disorder control you anymore is stronger. It's stronger because you are sick of the outcome of obeying all of these thoughts. You obey them because you believe it will bring you peace and happiness, but it does the complete opposite. You have to fight the thoughts. You have to accept that it's going to be horrible at first and you will get upset and feel like you're not strong enough to fight them..but you are. Anyone is. You have to get angry at the voice, angry in the right way. You do the complete opposite. The more you do this, the more you're in control of you're own life. The thoughts get easier overtime to overcome. They are still there but they're quieter which means you can focus on more meaningful things in life. It's like an enemy in your head which can pop up out of nowhere. But whatever it tells you to do, you have to ignore it. You can't believe anything it says. This is why being in recovery from an eating disorder takes years. It's still there in your head but you can either let it control or YOU can control it.
Looking back over this year is strange...because it's been weird. So many up's and downs but the main thing is that where I am now I will stay. No going back. I want to continue exploring and growing into this 'living concept'. Because so far it has proven to be so much more of a worthy and enjoyable life.
It's amazing how things can change so quickly and a reflection of this year proves it...
- Leaving hospital on the same day as moving house in the city what I was so excited to live in York
- Having my future planned out in my head including finish my degree, that whilst typing this I would have finished by now
- Being quite naive to the fact that recovery is an ongoing process and not really preparing for any old thoughts to come back
- Being surprised as anyone else that struggles crept in, and embarrassed to be honest with people about this
- 'Celebrating' another Christmas which to be honest was dreadful, because of how I'd allowed myself to slip again. (I remember dreading coming home for it. Countless phone calls with my mum on how I would manage the food and the social aspect and letting the stupid voice in my head dictate how I would spend this Christmas).
- The new year brought new challenges and I couldn't quite understand how I would climb back out of this dark hole again. The result being having to come home for a couple of months in order to decide where I was to go from here. Looking at another hospital stay and the massive uncertainty about what was going to happen
- Slowly loosing the chance of being able to live back in York again
- Giving the opportunity to come back to York if I got my eating back on track
- Half -hearted attempts at 'recovery' by myself but becoming sick of the same result;still being stuck
- The realisation of what I had lost to my eating disorder. I had 2 options: To continue, and be sent back to Grimsby or to prove myself
- I don't know how/why it happened but I chose recovery. Recovery involving absolutely no compromises as this had only ever resulted going back to square one. Doing it properly. Accepting the uncomfortable feelings and riding through them.
- It worked. Doing recovery for real gave me my life back gradually. I was able to come back to York
- As the thoughts were being managed in the right way, I had more room in my head to start building the life that I wanted
- Starting to do things I enjoyed like volunteering in order to help with the future career I want
- Building up friendships. Meeting a new friend who is pretty much like me. We are so similar it's strange. Being able to go out and do 'normal' things without eating disorders getting in the way. Eating out, laughing until you cry, doing random things and just being 'yourself'. It brings so much happiness
- Trying to build on my future and now waiting to move to my first ever flat (right next to my friend!!)
- Looking forward to this Christmas
- Appreciating life for what it is and all the amazing opportunities it can bring with good health
I honestly can't believe how so much can change/happen in a year. When I write the above reflection of the year it has ended positively. But what I want to say is it is not in any way a miracle cure. You don't wake up one day and the thoughts that have controlled you have gone away. They're still there. The only difference is the motivation/determination to not let the disorder control you anymore is stronger. It's stronger because you are sick of the outcome of obeying all of these thoughts. You obey them because you believe it will bring you peace and happiness, but it does the complete opposite. You have to fight the thoughts. You have to accept that it's going to be horrible at first and you will get upset and feel like you're not strong enough to fight them..but you are. Anyone is. You have to get angry at the voice, angry in the right way. You do the complete opposite. The more you do this, the more you're in control of you're own life. The thoughts get easier overtime to overcome. They are still there but they're quieter which means you can focus on more meaningful things in life. It's like an enemy in your head which can pop up out of nowhere. But whatever it tells you to do, you have to ignore it. You can't believe anything it says. This is why being in recovery from an eating disorder takes years. It's still there in your head but you can either let it control or YOU can control it.
Tuesday, 12 September 2017
Meal plans during eating disorder recovery...
'Meal Plans' during anorexia recovery are probably one of the hardest things to thing about. After all, it's about FOOD and tackling your eating disorder head on.
Throughout 4 years of struggling with anorexia and bulimia, planning meals have always been difficult. When you're in hospital although the eating of the actual food is obviously daunting in the early stages, the actual meal planning is done for you at the start. Which in some ways is so much easier and again, difficult in terms of giving up what you've previously stuck to and handing all responsibility to someone else.
Getting the balance right outside of hospital in order to maintain recovery I initially found extremely hard - eating enough to gain weight and also including the right kind of things to prevent binge/purge urges. To begin with is I always used to convince myself what I had planned was 'right'; but this wasn't me that thought it was right, it was that stupid other part of me...the 'eating disorder'. Every time I stuck to this kind of plan I would end up where I had started - Struggling to maintain/gain weight with the occasional binge/purge (bloody hell I was hungry what did I expect would happen!?!? So until recently, I had to become strict with myself. No messing out, no restricting, no taking anything out etc etc...if I'd done this all before and it never helped me would it suddenly help me now? It's so difficult because even though you sometimes know rationally what is 'enough' and what types of food you can, portions and all that...the stupid thoughts make you believe it is all wrong. Science and facts are all wrong...really? That's why you have to throw the rule book away and start afresh. Start properly.
I'm no nutritionist/dietician and everybody is different but this is what worked for me. I followed a meal plan similar to those in a hospital unit to begin restoring weight. This may help some people but again...everyone is different so i'm not saying this is right for everybody.
Breakfast: A full bowl of cereal & 2x toast/crumpets (no skimping on spread etc - these rules have never helped you before!
Morning snack: biscuits/chocolate bar etc etc
Lunch: Sandwich with substantial filling with crisps and yogurt/choc bar/things like that!
Afternoon snack: ice cream/biscuits
Dinner: Carbs, protein with veg/salad ('normal portions) and a hot pudding (sponge & custard , cake and ice cream etc)
Supper: Crumpets/cereal/pancakes with fruit
The meal plan above helped me to gain weight. But there had to be no compromises , no taking anything out, no 'diet foods' etc...
When heading towards a healthy weight I didn't just take half of my intake out because for me personally, it would have increased binge/purge urges which has happened when I've done this before in the past. Instead, my hunger cues were coming back so I listened to my body; what it wanted, when it wanted it. I didn't cut any sort of foods out. There was no big transformation to my meal plan - my body just knew what it wanted. This massively helped with flexibility. I don't really have a meal plan I follow which I'm so so happy about it because I've always been rigid and never really believe I would ever get to the hunger/fullness stage. I still eat breakfast, lunch and dinner and of course snacks! Yes..snacks. You can't cut things like this out when you've had an eating disorder because it leaves you vulnerable for things to start spiralling back down. I eat pudding when I fancy it, I can go out for lunch and pick what I fancy, it just feels a lot more free.
Don't get me wrong..just by writing this down it isn't easy at all. It's as difficult if not MORE difficult than just listening to the eating disorder because you still get the guilty thoughts but instead, you chose to override them on continue regardless. This is why you have to be so so strict with yourself. Also, there are still things I find difficult but if I've got to this stage and it's bloody amazing it can only get better.
When trying to recover and going through the difficult feelings you have to think to yourself the good ol' quote 'short term pain, long term gain'...because this is so true. Believe me, it is. Being able to have a piece of cake when you fancy it, accepting invitations to go out for dinner with friends, not having 'set meal times' These are worth any more than whatever an eating disorder has giving you.
Hope this helps someone xx
Sunday, 3 September 2017
Busiest week of my life in..forever!
What defines being 'busy'? I'm guessing this definition everyone would interpret differently depending on what each individual considers to be 'busy'.
During recovery, even though you're giving your body the fuel it needs it's still absolutely exhausting; emotionally. As soon as you feed your body the energy it needs you'd expect yourself to be bouncing around full of life. Its emotionally exhausting.
I've noticed that week by week my energy levels are getting noticeably better but it's felt quite slow
This is what happened during my recent 'Recovery experience...
1) First few weeks in recovery - Sleeping and eating (energy wise: absolutely shattering)
2) 2nd month or so - Same as above and going out to the shops a few times and maybe meeting up with someone once or twice
3) 3rd/4 month: All of the above but going out more but feeling incredibly shattered by the end of it and sleeping more in the day
4) Present: Spending more time out socialising, piecing life together again bit by bit (and the occasional nanna nap)
My definition of 'busy' changes all of the time. A couple of months ago going out for an hour or so in the day time and sleeping in the day would be my busy due to energy levels, which to someone else would not have been a 'busy' at all.
For me... I've literally had 'Thee Busiest' week of my life in literally months. I thank my energy levels for this and I know continuing and moving forward, these energy levels with improve even more so, allowing me to fit more in my day. I can honestly say if I had not chosen recovery /were still at the early stages I would not be able to hold down a job - I'd be falling asleep all the time. This is why I'm incredibly grateful for my ever-growing energy levels haha - because it's setting me up for a better future i terms of being able to function normally doing day to day things like having a job and working long hours, with still the time and energy to fit in other things Anyway...back to my 'busiest week' ha...
My now 'better functioning body' has allowed to meet up with friends which I did a few times this week, eat out, go on a 'walking day' with my housing association, attend a psychiatrist appointment, run my first ever 'art therapy group at my volunteering, and spend the bank holiday weekend with my family.
Spending time with my family was amazing. It was just so 'normal' enjoyable and relaxing Time went so fast..too fast. A few months back a weekend like this would have been completely different. I didn't dread seeing my family, but I dreaded how I was going to juggle anorexia with 'appearing OK, happy and normal'. Anorexia doesn't like change, it doesn't like flexibility and it certainly doesn't like it when 100% of your time is dedicated to 'It'. This is why it became quite hard to see friends/family. 'It' didn't like it'. The thoughts/planning to meet up with people was difficult. It wasn't a simple thought of 'Oh I'm going to see so and so..'. It was more like 'You'll have to make sure you go on a long walk in case you're sat down for a long time'...'Make sure you have X or lunch and have it at this specific time and if you have it any later then it's too late - you can't eat'....'You can only spend X amount of time when seeing this person because you need to make sure you're thinking/planning/worrying about food & exercise'..'You'll have to go on another walk after meeting your friends/family just in case the first one wasn't enough'. This is why it became really difficult to genuinely enjoy spending time with people..Instead trying to force a smile, trying your hardest to concentrate on the conversation when 'It' is the forefront in your mind and trying to ignore it, and not feel guilty for what your'e doing seems almost impossible.
The above described compared to what its like to spend time with other people is the complete opposite. No voice nagging at you telling you off for 'socialising'. Instead genuine enjoyment, laughter and making memories. It feels like you're born again when you start getting enjoyment from things like this Everything seems new and surreal but in the most amazing way. The bank holiday with my family was fabulous. Spending quality time with my Mum, sister and Simon. Eating nice food including malteser & white chocolate ice cream (which can I say was amazing!, laughing, seeing my mum so much happier, being interested in what they have been up to and smiling. I'll never forget this weekend and for all the right reasons You know when you was a kid and that feeling you get when it's the night before going back to school after you've had a holiday? That sort of sad feeling about not wanting to go back because you've enjoyed being off! I kind of felt like that this bank holiday...sad afterwards because I had such a good time. Definitely looking forward to the next one!
Chelsea X
During recovery, even though you're giving your body the fuel it needs it's still absolutely exhausting; emotionally. As soon as you feed your body the energy it needs you'd expect yourself to be bouncing around full of life. Its emotionally exhausting.
I've noticed that week by week my energy levels are getting noticeably better but it's felt quite slow
This is what happened during my recent 'Recovery experience...
1) First few weeks in recovery - Sleeping and eating (energy wise: absolutely shattering)
2) 2nd month or so - Same as above and going out to the shops a few times and maybe meeting up with someone once or twice
3) 3rd/4 month: All of the above but going out more but feeling incredibly shattered by the end of it and sleeping more in the day
4) Present: Spending more time out socialising, piecing life together again bit by bit (and the occasional nanna nap)
My definition of 'busy' changes all of the time. A couple of months ago going out for an hour or so in the day time and sleeping in the day would be my busy due to energy levels, which to someone else would not have been a 'busy' at all.
For me... I've literally had 'Thee Busiest' week of my life in literally months. I thank my energy levels for this and I know continuing and moving forward, these energy levels with improve even more so, allowing me to fit more in my day. I can honestly say if I had not chosen recovery /were still at the early stages I would not be able to hold down a job - I'd be falling asleep all the time. This is why I'm incredibly grateful for my ever-growing energy levels haha - because it's setting me up for a better future i terms of being able to function normally doing day to day things like having a job and working long hours, with still the time and energy to fit in other things Anyway...back to my 'busiest week' ha...
My now 'better functioning body' has allowed to meet up with friends which I did a few times this week, eat out, go on a 'walking day' with my housing association, attend a psychiatrist appointment, run my first ever 'art therapy group at my volunteering, and spend the bank holiday weekend with my family.
Spending time with my family was amazing. It was just so 'normal' enjoyable and relaxing Time went so fast..too fast. A few months back a weekend like this would have been completely different. I didn't dread seeing my family, but I dreaded how I was going to juggle anorexia with 'appearing OK, happy and normal'. Anorexia doesn't like change, it doesn't like flexibility and it certainly doesn't like it when 100% of your time is dedicated to 'It'. This is why it became quite hard to see friends/family. 'It' didn't like it'. The thoughts/planning to meet up with people was difficult. It wasn't a simple thought of 'Oh I'm going to see so and so..'. It was more like 'You'll have to make sure you go on a long walk in case you're sat down for a long time'...'Make sure you have X or lunch and have it at this specific time and if you have it any later then it's too late - you can't eat'....'You can only spend X amount of time when seeing this person because you need to make sure you're thinking/planning/worrying about food & exercise'..'You'll have to go on another walk after meeting your friends/family just in case the first one wasn't enough'. This is why it became really difficult to genuinely enjoy spending time with people..Instead trying to force a smile, trying your hardest to concentrate on the conversation when 'It' is the forefront in your mind and trying to ignore it, and not feel guilty for what your'e doing seems almost impossible.
The above described compared to what its like to spend time with other people is the complete opposite. No voice nagging at you telling you off for 'socialising'. Instead genuine enjoyment, laughter and making memories. It feels like you're born again when you start getting enjoyment from things like this Everything seems new and surreal but in the most amazing way. The bank holiday with my family was fabulous. Spending quality time with my Mum, sister and Simon. Eating nice food including malteser & white chocolate ice cream (which can I say was amazing!, laughing, seeing my mum so much happier, being interested in what they have been up to and smiling. I'll never forget this weekend and for all the right reasons You know when you was a kid and that feeling you get when it's the night before going back to school after you've had a holiday? That sort of sad feeling about not wanting to go back because you've enjoyed being off! I kind of felt like that this bank holiday...sad afterwards because I had such a good time. Definitely looking forward to the next one!
Chelsea X
Monday, 14 August 2017
Recovery VS Relapse...
You know when people say....'Recovery is so much worth it"? (which is true by the way..), but what does this actually mean? People say 'your life will start piecing together again' but to someone stuck in an eating disorder this could mean many things. The outcome of recovering/recovery can be so different from 1 person to the next which is why it can be feel a bit daunting/confusing at first. I'm going to use my experiences as to why Recovery definitely IS worth it and how life really does start to get exciting once you begin to shut the door on an illness that has taken so much away from you.
To begin with I've been there. I'll hold my hand up and say I've told myself I've 'recovered' a handful of times. Most of theses being just as I had left hospitals. It's what everyone wants to hear right? But looking back on these times I had known deep down that I wasn't recovering at all. I knew what I was doing wasn't right but had still convinced myself and others I was doing well. Recovery is so bloody difficult and that's why it takes time and effort. It's not a straightforward process as it requires your brain to think/behave in a completely new way. You have trained your brain for so long to go down a 'certain path', which is why any 'little' diversion back down that path can begin a snowball effect and before you know it, you're long gone back down that path it can seen almost 'impossible' to turn back around. This is why it is so important to be honest with yourself. Be honest with where you're at, use your skills to do a sort of 'mini-evaluation' of how you think you've been doing. This gives you the opportunity to assess if you've started to use any old behaviour/s that you know have always taken you back down 'that path' in he past. This may seem weird but in order to prevent a relapse and keep yourself on track, it's so so important to keep checking in with yourself. 'It's only the once I'll do it all properly tomorrow'...'I won't have this today but I'll sure to have it tomorrow', 'It's only a little behaviour so it's not important'. Sound familiar? They do to me. I know that I've left myself vulnerable to a relapse when any tiny negative behaviours have been used, because I always think 'It's only today, it's not a big deal'. But it is a big deal because as soon as you've triggered that 'old brain pattern', it wants more and more. Tomorrow never comes, nor does the next day or the day after that. Before you know it, using negative behaviours has now become a regular behaviour and that's when things can spiral, and in a short space of time. This is what happened to me late last year. I was healthy, learn all my skills and thought I was 'cured', but didn't use them enough to tackle head on any tiny negative thought that came into my mind so just 'went with it' and before I knew it I was back to square one. I remember asking myself 'How has this happened'? and unfortunately it had all happened just by listening to that one 'tiny' niggle from the voice before I continued to listen and obey. That's why I'm trying to highlight that any little negative behaviour that you think is a 'one off' will become more and more difficult to not listen to.
This leads me onto the sort of 'approach to take' whilst in recovery/maintaining recovery. You have to cut off all rules. Not just a few, not every single one of them apart from 1, but all. You need a clean slate. One thing I have learnt that you simply cannot recover whilst bargaining with your eating disorder. I've tried and tested this over and over again but each time I follow this, it never works, and then you begin to wonder why It hasn't again. You truly have to rip up the old rule book - after all...keep asking yourself where has following this rule book ever got me? You have to create new rules which are sort of boundaries (and will start to form the 'new pattern' of thinking that you can train your brain to become familiar with. When you practise these new rules they become less 'odd/natural' and will feel more 'normal'. After all, this is how you started to train your brain to think in more negative ways, so you have equal chance of thinking/believing/ acting on new thought patterns. This also reminds me of the saying 'You were never born with an eating disorder' which is 100% true. Well we weren't were we? So any time when it gets tough and you think 'Well I've always been like this'.... 'I'll just accept this is who I am'... 'I'll never change' <<< These are definitely NOT true. These are just thoughts and the ability to change comes from within is believe it or not. I used t think 'do I REALLY' have the ability to recover? I've always ended up going backwards'...again these are JUST thoughts and they are not real! We have the capability within ourselves to recover..and it's bloody hard that's why it's sometimes hard to believe but it's true!
Anyway back to why recovery is WORTH it. When you truly go against all rules, and you get your eating back in check something magical happens...your LIFE starts to piece together again. I've always thought to myself 'When will this happen', 'When will I start being interested in doing things again?'...'When will I make more friends?'...'When will I be comfortable with going into a restaurant?'...'When will I feel more happier and care-free'? There is no definite answer, it is different or everybody and from my experiences during the past few months, it just 'happens'. You don't wake up one day and think 'I'm happy now' or 'I feel social again', overtime once your brain starts to function properly again and your body thanks you for adequate nutrition..things do happen. One thing I will say is that the more you put into recovery the more you'll get out of it, just like the reverse; the more you bow down to any negative thought,the more similar thoughts will start creeping in again. This is why people say 'recovery is a choice'...because as hard as it is to believe sometimes and although you didn't choose to have an eating disorder,you rally do have the power in your own head to decide which way you want to go.
I sometimes reflect on how quickly things spiralled down the wrong path for me between October/-Jan-Feb time'. It seemed within a blink of an eye I was back in a place I truly didn't believe I would ever be again. But spinning this around...since April time-present (which feels like a lifetime but in the grand scheme of things it's only around 4 months), so so much has changed (positively) in what is really a short space of time. This is what helps maintain recovery. Once you see the 'perks' of recovery i.e. getting your life back...it helps you continue because of how much you enjoy just 'living again'. And to get to this point you have to 'do recovery' to see what it's really like. And this is why like I said earlier any old rule that hasn't helped needs to be binned. Because old rules and recovery don't mix well together. You will never truly see what recovery is like if you still cling to old behaviours. Don't get me wrong, every day will not be 'brilliant. You will have blips and that's ok (hence why recovery isn't 'linear'...but it's how you get through these blips that happened. Not thinking 'Well I've messed up now I may as well carry on' (I am guilty of this in the past. Doing this is what starts leading you back down the old path again. But if you learn how to recover in a more positive not so black and white way, it helps to maintain your recovery. For example, thinking 'maybe in hindsight I shouldn't have done that.but I know that in future I will do something different about it'...and then being able to move on and focus on the road ahead. That's why 'checking in' with yourself can be so so helpful in the process of recovery.
X
To begin with I've been there. I'll hold my hand up and say I've told myself I've 'recovered' a handful of times. Most of theses being just as I had left hospitals. It's what everyone wants to hear right? But looking back on these times I had known deep down that I wasn't recovering at all. I knew what I was doing wasn't right but had still convinced myself and others I was doing well. Recovery is so bloody difficult and that's why it takes time and effort. It's not a straightforward process as it requires your brain to think/behave in a completely new way. You have trained your brain for so long to go down a 'certain path', which is why any 'little' diversion back down that path can begin a snowball effect and before you know it, you're long gone back down that path it can seen almost 'impossible' to turn back around. This is why it is so important to be honest with yourself. Be honest with where you're at, use your skills to do a sort of 'mini-evaluation' of how you think you've been doing. This gives you the opportunity to assess if you've started to use any old behaviour/s that you know have always taken you back down 'that path' in he past. This may seem weird but in order to prevent a relapse and keep yourself on track, it's so so important to keep checking in with yourself. 'It's only the once I'll do it all properly tomorrow'...'I won't have this today but I'll sure to have it tomorrow', 'It's only a little behaviour so it's not important'. Sound familiar? They do to me. I know that I've left myself vulnerable to a relapse when any tiny negative behaviours have been used, because I always think 'It's only today, it's not a big deal'. But it is a big deal because as soon as you've triggered that 'old brain pattern', it wants more and more. Tomorrow never comes, nor does the next day or the day after that. Before you know it, using negative behaviours has now become a regular behaviour and that's when things can spiral, and in a short space of time. This is what happened to me late last year. I was healthy, learn all my skills and thought I was 'cured', but didn't use them enough to tackle head on any tiny negative thought that came into my mind so just 'went with it' and before I knew it I was back to square one. I remember asking myself 'How has this happened'? and unfortunately it had all happened just by listening to that one 'tiny' niggle from the voice before I continued to listen and obey. That's why I'm trying to highlight that any little negative behaviour that you think is a 'one off' will become more and more difficult to not listen to.
This leads me onto the sort of 'approach to take' whilst in recovery/maintaining recovery. You have to cut off all rules. Not just a few, not every single one of them apart from 1, but all. You need a clean slate. One thing I have learnt that you simply cannot recover whilst bargaining with your eating disorder. I've tried and tested this over and over again but each time I follow this, it never works, and then you begin to wonder why It hasn't again. You truly have to rip up the old rule book - after all...keep asking yourself where has following this rule book ever got me? You have to create new rules which are sort of boundaries (and will start to form the 'new pattern' of thinking that you can train your brain to become familiar with. When you practise these new rules they become less 'odd/natural' and will feel more 'normal'. After all, this is how you started to train your brain to think in more negative ways, so you have equal chance of thinking/believing/ acting on new thought patterns. This also reminds me of the saying 'You were never born with an eating disorder' which is 100% true. Well we weren't were we? So any time when it gets tough and you think 'Well I've always been like this'.... 'I'll just accept this is who I am'... 'I'll never change' <<< These are definitely NOT true. These are just thoughts and the ability to change comes from within is believe it or not. I used t think 'do I REALLY' have the ability to recover? I've always ended up going backwards'...again these are JUST thoughts and they are not real! We have the capability within ourselves to recover..and it's bloody hard that's why it's sometimes hard to believe but it's true!
Anyway back to why recovery is WORTH it. When you truly go against all rules, and you get your eating back in check something magical happens...your LIFE starts to piece together again. I've always thought to myself 'When will this happen', 'When will I start being interested in doing things again?'...'When will I make more friends?'...'When will I be comfortable with going into a restaurant?'...'When will I feel more happier and care-free'? There is no definite answer, it is different or everybody and from my experiences during the past few months, it just 'happens'. You don't wake up one day and think 'I'm happy now' or 'I feel social again', overtime once your brain starts to function properly again and your body thanks you for adequate nutrition..things do happen. One thing I will say is that the more you put into recovery the more you'll get out of it, just like the reverse; the more you bow down to any negative thought,the more similar thoughts will start creeping in again. This is why people say 'recovery is a choice'...because as hard as it is to believe sometimes and although you didn't choose to have an eating disorder,you rally do have the power in your own head to decide which way you want to go.
I sometimes reflect on how quickly things spiralled down the wrong path for me between October/-Jan-Feb time'. It seemed within a blink of an eye I was back in a place I truly didn't believe I would ever be again. But spinning this around...since April time-present (which feels like a lifetime but in the grand scheme of things it's only around 4 months), so so much has changed (positively) in what is really a short space of time. This is what helps maintain recovery. Once you see the 'perks' of recovery i.e. getting your life back...it helps you continue because of how much you enjoy just 'living again'. And to get to this point you have to 'do recovery' to see what it's really like. And this is why like I said earlier any old rule that hasn't helped needs to be binned. Because old rules and recovery don't mix well together. You will never truly see what recovery is like if you still cling to old behaviours. Don't get me wrong, every day will not be 'brilliant. You will have blips and that's ok (hence why recovery isn't 'linear'...but it's how you get through these blips that happened. Not thinking 'Well I've messed up now I may as well carry on' (I am guilty of this in the past. Doing this is what starts leading you back down the old path again. But if you learn how to recover in a more positive not so black and white way, it helps to maintain your recovery. For example, thinking 'maybe in hindsight I shouldn't have done that.but I know that in future I will do something different about it'...and then being able to move on and focus on the road ahead. That's why 'checking in' with yourself can be so so helpful in the process of recovery.
X
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)