‘Poorly days’

Yesterday morning I woke up feeling groggy with a cough/cold coming on and when I tried to get up I felt worse. (And was also the icing on the cake after a horrendous week of a&e and hospitals but that’s another story)!  I came to the conclusion it was going to be one of those ‘sick days’.Ideally where you stay indoors, hidden under a duvet drinking lemsip and resting!

I use to love poorly days when I was younger. A day off school (best part!) and permission to bring your duvet down into the front room to watch  trashy kids tv. My mum used to bring me lucozade and a ‘girl talk’ magazine (who remembers  these 🙃🙌🏻)

As much as I would have loved a sofa day, nowadays it’s like I’m battling with 2 sides in my head if I’m ever Ill. My body tells me to rest whilst other thoughts tell me this isn’t allowed. This is because of OCD rules and niggling eating disorder thoughts that are present in my mind. 

I struggle with having to clean my flat top to bottom every day which I’m not ashamed of admitting. So when a ‘poorly day’  ‘inconveniantly’ comes along it’s mental torture because the OCD part is telling you to get up and start the cleaning routine regardless ; poorly or not it’s no excuse. But this task becomes that much harder because your body physically isn’t allowing it. 

Then I’m greeted with thoughts surrounding food. Don’t get me wrong, I’m in the best place I’ve ever have been with anorexia, but some days thoughts just creep up on you, even when you don’t expect it. I don’t really have an issue with exercise anymore but knowing if I stayed  in bed all day was translated in my mind to ‘you’ll be lazy, you don’t deserve to eat because you wont need it’.

Needless to say, I spend the first couple of hours of the morning debating how to spend the day. Trying to argue both irrational/rational thoughts in order to come to a conclusion as to what I would do. 

Rational points: 

• listen to your body, it’s telling you to rest so honour that
• If you don’t clean today the world won’t and it doesn’t bloody need cleaning anyway
• You’re more likely to recover quickly if you take it easy and rest
• You still need to eat. It’s not a reward and doesn’t need to be ‘earnt’. You’re not going to balloon overnight. Your body’s not going to be thinking ‘Ey up, she’s not out and about , lazy cow. She’s in bed let’s add a few more pounds on her body to counteract this’ - although bodies are clever, they’re not clever enough to know if you are in bed or not 😅 bloody hell!
• Not eating isn’t going to help, it’ll probably make you feel worse not better 
• Food is a necessity not something you have to complete tasks for 

Irrational thoughts: 

• you are an absolute failure at life if you don’t do your normal cleaning routine
• You’re head will feel messy 
• You haven’t done anything to deserve a ‘duvet day’ 
• You’ll wake up tomorrow and would have doubled in size. Why eat when you haven’t done anything to earn it? 
• You’re lazy 
• You will waste the day 

I even sound crazy even writing some of these thoughts out but I was honestly so conflicted with all of this thoughts spinning around in my head. But that’s the thing..THOUGHTS are just THOUGHTS. It’s how you act on these thoughts with your behaviour that matters the most.

The easy option would have been to run with the irrational thoughts in order to get a peace of mind. The harder option was to   go by the rational thoughts and have a ‘duvet day’. And that’s what I did. I accepted the situation, knew I’d recover better if I rested and did just that. I also ate  regardless of staying in bed all day....(shock horror, call the negative thoughts police and have me arrested 👩🏻‍✈️✋🏻😅). 

It was the hardest option because it wasn’t easy and the consequence was that I felt guilty on and off throughout the day. But I know I’ve helped myself make decisions like this in the future easier, and overtime the guilt will lessen. 

I wanted to write about this because I can’t be the only one that struggles with sick days if they have mental health issues that get in the way? 

It’s weird because something so simple like being physically unwell can trigger so many irrational thoughts 🤷🏻‍♀️? 

And I’ll end this right here by reporting

A) I’m still alive 

B) I’m not a failure (or at least I hope not😅)

C) I haven’t ballooned overnight 

D) My house is still standing after not cleaning 

E) I feel a lot better ! 

...just goes to show that not acting on irrational thoughts is the best thing you can ever do X

Set-point weight theory

A couple of years ago after messing with my weight for too long I finally found my 'set-point weight'. This is the weight your body natural falls at, and can fluctuate between a few kilos. With a normal diet including over-eating some days, underweight on other your body will always try and stay within your set-point as this is where it's most happy and can function the healthiest. Everybody's set point will be different.

When I got to my set-point it wasn't focused on 'numbers' anymore, I was mentally more free. Food wasn't as rigid, I could be a lot more flexible and most importantly I was happy, and my body was healthy too.

I've always wanted to get back to my set-point but anxiety overwhelms me with fear, stopping me from reaching this. Every since I developed anorexia I've always been more fixated on numbers. The number on the scale has always defined me, but numbers stretch out to other parts in my life like timings and routine. It's crazy because I don't quite understand why this is, but I'm guessing it's somewhat linked to control and wanting to feel 'safe'.

It's difficult when you're recovering from an eating disorder as with weight gain, you sort of have goals. E.g reach a 'healthy BMI of 18.5', or most recently reach a BMI of 20. The problem is, psychologically when you have reached these numbers you sometimes feel you are 'cured' and are now healthy. But that's not true. Your intrusive thoughts don't miraculously disappear when you reach these goals. I sometimes think anorexia tricks you into thinking you're not recovered because from a statistic you are now classed as healthy. But this is just NOT true. In fact, less than 2% of the population are a BMI of 18.5 and the majority of people have a BMI over 20. This is why its easy to get stuck in recovery when you convince yourself the work when you've ticked a BMI chart.
 I've been watching so many helpful vlogs and one stuck to my mind which is so so true. If you're not at your set-point weight your still in restriction mode just to be able to keep at the weight you are. And whilst doing this, your not completely letting go of your eating disorder and this is where i'm at.

I'm eating everyday and regularly but I still feel stuck. I feel stuck because I feel I have to maintain the weight i'm at. It's still classed as healthy so this mental barrier is what is difficult to get past and move forward. I eat regularly and because of this I think, I don't need to change. But I know I WANT TO CHANGE. All I want is to be flexible with food but I know this can't happen unless I get to my set-point. So to do this means challenging thoughts and shock horror...WEIGHT GAIN. And this is where the intrusive thoughts start to convince me I'm being ridiculous.... 'But you're a healthy weight...you don't NEED to gain anymore weight...you'll lose control". Battling with two different sides of your heads is so bloody difficult sometimes.

The thing is though....I have to ask myself "Am I completely happy" and the answer is no. And if you want changes in your life you actually have to make the effort to MAKE the changes happen. I don't want to be stuck in a rigid routine, on a meal plan, feeling repetitive with everything and feeling scared to go out my comfort zone. If I want to enjoy my life more, I know this is something I have to do.

Sometimes I picture in my head waking up tomorrow, eating as when, and WHAT  I want, eating cake and drinking frappucionos without a care in the world and not feeling guilty. This would be great but unfortunately it's not as easy as that. Recovery isn't always this picture... in the short term its eating when you're not hungry, not negotiating with your eating disorder. feeling uncomfortable and feeling FULL. This is the part I tend to run away from and avoid. But the thing is, these feelings need to be FELT if I want to change. No one said it was going to be easy but I know in the long term it'll be worth it .

I'm sick of 'playing it safe' because you don't realise how much your life is restricted so I'm going to be a rebel and actually try say **** you to all the rules. It's easier said than done, but I always think ... 'what's the worst that can happen'? and the worst that can happen is nothing. I'm not going to die, my world around me won't stop...in fact my world will actually get bigger and better. So here goes nothing x

Anxiety: You’re physically present but you’re mind feels elsewhere

Anxiety!

I’m mainly writing this blog post to see if anyone out there has experiences of the same thing (what I’m going to explain!)

I already know that my main issue relating to mental health is anxiety. I’ve come to understand this during the past 2 years.

This time last year was when I suffered from panic attacks for the first time ever. The main emotion o felt when these happened was ‘dread’ and impending doom. I always felt like I was going to die and I felt I was confirming this to myself when my heart was racing, I felt really warm like I was going to pass out and sometimes I felt like I wasn’t present; like I was in a dream or something. I’ve come to the understanding that I only experienced these things when in a panic attack.

Fast forward to now, and I don’t suffer from panic attacks anymore and I think bags the result from coming to understand them more, and looking at evidence of when they’ve occurred,  nothing bad has ever happened (I haven’t died!). These past couple of weeks I’ve been feeling more stressed and anxious then normal. But on the past couple of days I’ve felt the ‘impending doom’ again. I was out earlier and I felt like I wasn’t there; even though I was. I felt like I was not in touch with reality and this made me feel crazy. I wasn’t having a panic attack because I didn’t get the racing heart etc. It’s just that as soon as I felt detached that’s when the impending doom feeling came. It feels horrible and I wish there was an explanation for it. I’ve felt overwhelmed with my emotions recently and I don’t know if this has lead to how I felt? I just feel confused because I don’t have panic attacks anymore.

Sorry for the ramble I just wanted to reach out in case anyone else has ever felt the same (and for reassurance I’m not going mad!!) 

Chelsea xx

12 days and counting...

In 12 more days I'll officially be moving into my first flat. It'll be the most independence I've ever had which am so bloody excited about. I was at University in London for 2 years so stayed in student halls and my friends house, but with shared rooms etc so the concept of having my own kitchen, bathroom etc feels like a dream.

Independence is what I've craved for such a long time, but never in the right way. Obeying and reacting to thoughts from an eating disorder gives you a false sense of 'control', which to me translated into independence. I convinced myself I was like this because I liked being on my own, and much preferred going places by myself. But hindsight has shown me this wasn't independence  at all. There's a fine line between enjoying time on your own and isolating yourself. I know from looking back I was in isolation from the world, in order to only listen to the thoughts in my head and what they were telling me to do, instead of anything/anyone else. The irony of all this is that, anorexia stripped away every last bit of independence. It does the exact opposite. I know that for myself and many other people, it can sort of make put you in 'child mode'. Some of this is due to your brain just not functioning properly and some of this is because at some point, people will step in, and that's when the 'control' can be handed over to someone else.

Going from being happy-go-lucky at University and not really relying on anyone else to being put in hospital where people made every decision for you is so so weird. You're at the age in which society tells you that you can look after yourself, to then other people doing this for you? It's like you get stripped back to a child. The food you put in your mouth, the places you go and whether you can even walk or not is all made for you. It's so crazy. This is why family and friends try and tell a sufferer 'they're not in control at all', but when your in the depths of it all you truly believe you are. It's not until later on you realise they were right, and you were wrong. I never really speak about this but another form of 'not feeling independent' that comes to mind was the day I was sectioned, and looking back it's probably one of the worst days of my life. The feeling of being trapped somewhere you can't escape even if you wanted to. Just 'knowing' if you wanted to do something you couldn't. It made me angry that some signed papers had so much power to control a human being. No independence whatsoever. I always remember one of the first things the doctor said to me 'You won't be allowed to enter America right now' which I thought was completely random but funny story.... which me and my mum laugh at now: When on a section I had this brilliant idea to book a holiday to America for myself and my mum which was for 2 weeks time. I didn't even tell my mum until I had booked it. I have absolutely no idea what was going through my mind and safe to say we didn't end up going and I sold the holiday! But it makes me and my mum laugh when we talk about it.

Anyway I went on a bit of a tangent but for the first time in my 'adulthood', this is my first biggest test of independence. I'm currently living in a shared support house and where I'm going is my own flat and I'll see a housing support worker once a week. In 2 years time, I'll then be flying solo and getting my own pad with no housing support worker which is exacting. I'm happy with the next step I'll be taking. It feels like the 'right' one. I have zero experience in interior design or décor but I guess you have to learn somewhere! I've got support from family and friends with the move which I'm eternally grateful for and all I can say is.....I'm exciteddddddd!

Whirlwind of a year...

It's dawned upon me that I'm a few days away from it being 1 year since I left my inpatient admission..and 1 year where I know hand on heart that'll I'll be looking back at my last ever discharge. No more hospitals, more 'living'.

Looking back over this year is strange...because it's been weird. So many up's and downs but the main thing is that where I am now I will stay. No going back. I want to continue exploring and growing into this 'living concept'. Because so far it has proven to be so much more of a worthy and enjoyable life.

It's amazing how things can change so quickly and a reflection of this year proves it...
- Leaving hospital on the same day as moving house in the city what I was so excited to live in York
- Having my future planned out in my head including finish my degree, that whilst typing this I would have finished by now
- Being quite naive to the fact that recovery is an ongoing process and not really preparing for any old thoughts to come back
- Being surprised as anyone else that struggles crept in, and embarrassed to be honest with people about this
- 'Celebrating' another Christmas which to be honest was dreadful, because of how I'd allowed myself to slip again. (I remember dreading coming home for it. Countless phone calls with my mum on how I would manage the food and the social aspect and letting the stupid voice in my head dictate how I would spend this Christmas).
- The new year brought new challenges and I couldn't quite understand how I would climb back out of this dark hole again. The result being having to come home for a couple of months in order to decide where I was to go from here. Looking at another hospital stay and the massive uncertainty about what was going to happen
- Slowly loosing the chance of being able to live back in York again
- Giving the opportunity to come back to York if I got my eating back on track
- Half -hearted attempts at 'recovery' by myself but becoming sick of the same result;still being stuck
- The realisation of what I had lost to my eating disorder. I had 2 options: To continue, and be sent back to Grimsby or to prove myself
- I don't know how/why it happened but I chose recovery. Recovery involving absolutely no compromises as this had only ever resulted going back to square one. Doing it properly. Accepting the uncomfortable feelings and riding through them.
- It worked. Doing recovery for real gave me my life back gradually. I was able to come back to York
- As the thoughts were being managed in the right way, I had more room in my head to start building the life that I wanted
- Starting to do things I enjoyed like volunteering in order to help with the future career I want
- Building up friendships. Meeting a new friend who is pretty much like me. We are so similar it's strange. Being able to go out and do 'normal' things without eating disorders getting in the way. Eating out, laughing until you cry, doing random things and just being 'yourself'. It brings so much happiness
- Trying to build on my future and now waiting to move to my first ever flat (right next to my friend!!)
- Looking forward to this Christmas
- Appreciating life for what it is and all the amazing opportunities it can bring with good health

I honestly can't believe how so much can change/happen in a year. When I write the above reflection of the year it has ended positively. But what I want to say is it is not in any way a miracle cure. You don't wake up one day and the thoughts that have controlled you have gone away. They're still there. The only difference is the motivation/determination to not let the disorder control you anymore is stronger. It's stronger because you are sick of the outcome of obeying all of these thoughts. You obey them because you believe it will bring you peace and happiness, but it does the complete opposite. You have to fight the thoughts. You have to accept that it's going to be horrible at first and you will get upset and feel like you're not strong enough to fight them..but you are. Anyone is. You have to get angry at the voice, angry in the right way. You do the complete opposite. The more you do this, the more you're in control of you're own life. The thoughts get easier overtime to overcome. They are still there but they're quieter which means you can focus on more meaningful things in life. It's like an enemy in your head which can pop up out of nowhere. But whatever it tells you to do, you have to ignore it. You can't believe anything it says. This is why being in recovery from an eating disorder takes years. It's still there in your head but you can either let it control or YOU can control it.

Meal plans during eating disorder recovery...

'Meal Plans' during anorexia recovery are probably one of the hardest things to thing about. After all, it's about FOOD and tackling your eating disorder head on.

Throughout 4 years of struggling with anorexia and bulimia, planning meals have always been difficult. When you're in hospital although the eating of the actual food is obviously daunting in the early stages, the actual meal planning is done for you at the start. Which in some ways is so much easier and again, difficult in terms of giving up what you've previously stuck to and handing all responsibility to someone else.

Getting the balance right outside of hospital in order to maintain recovery I initially found extremely hard - eating enough to gain weight and also including the right kind of things to prevent binge/purge urges. To begin with is I always used to convince myself what I had planned was 'right'; but this wasn't me that thought it was right, it was that stupid other part of me...the 'eating disorder'. Every time I stuck to this kind of plan I would end up where I had started - Struggling to maintain/gain weight with the occasional binge/purge (bloody hell I was hungry what did I expect would happen!?!? So until recently, I had to become strict with myself. No messing out, no restricting, no taking anything out etc etc...if I'd done this all before and it never helped me would it suddenly help me now? It's so difficult because even though you sometimes know rationally what is 'enough' and what types of food you can, portions and all that...the stupid thoughts make you believe it is all wrong. Science and facts are all wrong...really? That's why you have to throw the rule book away and start afresh. Start properly.

I'm no nutritionist/dietician and everybody is different but this is what worked for me. I followed a meal plan similar to those in a hospital unit to begin restoring weight. This may help some people but again...everyone is different so i'm not saying this is right for everybody.

Breakfast: A full bowl of cereal & 2x toast/crumpets (no skimping on spread etc - these rules have never helped you before!

Morning snack: biscuits/chocolate bar etc etc

Lunch: Sandwich with substantial filling with crisps and yogurt/choc bar/things like that!

Afternoon snack: ice cream/biscuits

Dinner: Carbs, protein with veg/salad ('normal portions) and a hot pudding (sponge & custard , cake and ice cream etc)

Supper: Crumpets/cereal/pancakes with fruit

The meal plan above helped me to gain weight. But there had to be no compromises , no taking anything out, no 'diet foods' etc...

When heading towards a healthy weight I didn't just take half of my intake out because for me personally, it would have increased binge/purge urges which has happened when I've done this before in the past. Instead, my hunger cues were coming back so I listened to my body; what it wanted, when it wanted it. I didn't cut any sort of foods out. There was no big transformation to my meal plan - my body just knew what it wanted. This massively helped with flexibility. I don't really have a meal plan I follow which I'm so so happy about it because I've always been rigid and never really believe I would ever get to the hunger/fullness stage. I still eat breakfast, lunch and dinner and of course snacks! Yes..snacks. You can't cut things like this out when you've had an eating disorder because it leaves you vulnerable for things to start spiralling back down. I eat pudding when I fancy it, I can go out for lunch and pick what I fancy, it just feels a lot more free. 

Don't get me wrong..just by writing this down it isn't easy at all. It's as difficult if not MORE difficult than just listening to the eating disorder because you still get the guilty thoughts but instead, you chose to override them on continue regardless. This is why you have to be so so strict with yourself. Also, there are still things I find difficult but if I've got to this stage and it's bloody amazing it can only get better.

When trying to recover and going through the difficult feelings you have to think to yourself the good ol' quote 'short term pain, long term gain'...because this is so true. Believe me, it is. Being able to have a piece of cake when you fancy it, accepting invitations to go out for dinner with friends, not having 'set meal times' These are worth any more than whatever an eating disorder has giving you. 

Hope this helps someone xx

Busiest week of my life in..forever!

What defines being 'busy'? I'm guessing this definition everyone would interpret differently depending on what each individual considers to be 'busy'.

During recovery, even though you're giving your body the fuel it needs it's still absolutely exhausting; emotionally. As soon as you feed your body the energy it needs you'd expect yourself to be bouncing around full of life. Its emotionally exhausting.

I've noticed that week by week my energy levels are getting noticeably better but it's felt quite slow

This is what happened during my recent 'Recovery experience...
1) First few weeks in recovery - Sleeping and eating (energy wise: absolutely shattering)
2) 2nd month or so - Same as above and going out to the shops a few times and maybe meeting up with someone once or twice
3) 3rd/4 month: All of the above but going out more but feeling incredibly shattered by the end of it and sleeping more in the day
4) Present: Spending more time out socialising, piecing life together again bit by bit (and the occasional nanna nap)

My definition of 'busy' changes all of the time. A couple of months ago going out for an hour or so in the day time and sleeping in the day would be my busy due to energy levels, which to someone else would not have been a 'busy' at all.

For me... I've literally had 'Thee Busiest' week of my life in literally months. I thank my energy levels for this and I know continuing and moving forward, these energy levels with improve even more so, allowing me to fit more in my day. I can honestly say if I had not chosen recovery /were still at the early stages I would not be able to hold down a job - I'd be falling asleep all the time. This is why I'm incredibly grateful for my ever-growing energy levels haha - because it's setting me up for a better future i terms of being able to function normally doing day to day things like having a job and working long hours, with still the time and energy to fit in other things Anyway...back to my 'busiest week' ha...

My now 'better functioning body' has allowed to meet up with friends which I did a few times this week, eat out, go on a 'walking day' with my housing association, attend a psychiatrist appointment, run my first ever 'art therapy group at my volunteering, and spend the bank holiday weekend with my family.

Spending time with my family was amazing. It was just so 'normal' enjoyable and relaxing Time went so fast..too fast. A few months back a weekend like this would have been completely different. I didn't dread seeing my family, but I dreaded how I was going to juggle anorexia with 'appearing OK, happy and normal'. Anorexia doesn't like change, it doesn't like flexibility and it certainly doesn't like it when 100% of your time is dedicated to 'It'. This is why it became quite hard to see friends/family. 'It' didn't like it'. The thoughts/planning to meet up with people was difficult. It wasn't a simple thought of 'Oh I'm going to see so and so..'. It was more like 'You'll have to make sure you go on a long walk in case you're sat down for a long time'...'Make sure you have X or lunch and have it at this specific time and if you have it any later then it's too late - you can't eat'....'You can only spend X amount of time when seeing this person because you need to make sure you're thinking/planning/worrying about food & exercise'..'You'll have to go on another walk after meeting your friends/family just in case the first one wasn't enough'. This is why it became really difficult to genuinely enjoy spending time with people..Instead trying to force a smile, trying your hardest to concentrate on the conversation when 'It' is the forefront in your mind and trying to ignore it, and not feel guilty for what your'e doing seems almost impossible.

The above described compared to what its like to spend time with other people is the complete opposite. No voice nagging at you telling you off for 'socialising'. Instead genuine enjoyment, laughter and making memories. It feels like you're born again when you start getting enjoyment from things like this Everything seems new and surreal but in the most amazing way. The bank holiday with my family was fabulous. Spending quality time with my Mum, sister and Simon. Eating nice food including malteser & white chocolate ice cream (which can I say was amazing!, laughing, seeing my mum so much happier, being interested in what they have been up to and smiling. I'll never forget this weekend and for all the right reasons You know when you was a kid and that feeling you get when it's the night before going back to school after you've had a holiday? That sort of sad feeling about not wanting to go back because you've enjoyed being off! I kind of felt like that this bank holiday...sad afterwards because I had such a good time. Definitely looking forward to the next one!

Chelsea X