It's dawned upon me that I'm a few days away from it being 1 year since I left my inpatient admission..and 1 year where I know hand on heart that'll I'll be looking back at my last ever discharge. No more hospitals, more 'living'.
Looking back over this year is strange...because it's been weird. So many up's and downs but the main thing is that where I am now I will stay. No going back. I want to continue exploring and growing into this 'living concept'. Because so far it has proven to be so much more of a worthy and enjoyable life.
It's amazing how things can change so quickly and a reflection of this year proves it...
- Leaving hospital on the same day as moving house in the city what I was so excited to live in York
- Having my future planned out in my head including finish my degree, that whilst typing this I would have finished by now
- Being quite naive to the fact that recovery is an ongoing process and not really preparing for any old thoughts to come back
- Being surprised as anyone else that struggles crept in, and embarrassed to be honest with people about this
- 'Celebrating' another Christmas which to be honest was dreadful, because of how I'd allowed myself to slip again. (I remember dreading coming home for it. Countless phone calls with my mum on how I would manage the food and the social aspect and letting the stupid voice in my head dictate how I would spend this Christmas).
- The new year brought new challenges and I couldn't quite understand how I would climb back out of this dark hole again. The result being having to come home for a couple of months in order to decide where I was to go from here. Looking at another hospital stay and the massive uncertainty about what was going to happen
- Slowly loosing the chance of being able to live back in York again
- Giving the opportunity to come back to York if I got my eating back on track
- Half -hearted attempts at 'recovery' by myself but becoming sick of the same result;still being stuck
- The realisation of what I had lost to my eating disorder. I had 2 options: To continue, and be sent back to Grimsby or to prove myself
- I don't know how/why it happened but I chose recovery. Recovery involving absolutely no compromises as this had only ever resulted going back to square one. Doing it properly. Accepting the uncomfortable feelings and riding through them.
- It worked. Doing recovery for real gave me my life back gradually. I was able to come back to York
- As the thoughts were being managed in the right way, I had more room in my head to start building the life that I wanted
- Starting to do things I enjoyed like volunteering in order to help with the future career I want
- Building up friendships. Meeting a new friend who is pretty much like me. We are so similar it's strange. Being able to go out and do 'normal' things without eating disorders getting in the way. Eating out, laughing until you cry, doing random things and just being 'yourself'. It brings so much happiness
- Trying to build on my future and now waiting to move to my first ever flat (right next to my friend!!)
- Looking forward to this Christmas
- Appreciating life for what it is and all the amazing opportunities it can bring with good health
I honestly can't believe how so much can change/happen in a year. When I write the above reflection of the year it has ended positively. But what I want to say is it is not in any way a miracle cure. You don't wake up one day and the thoughts that have controlled you have gone away. They're still there. The only difference is the motivation/determination to not let the disorder control you anymore is stronger. It's stronger because you are sick of the outcome of obeying all of these thoughts. You obey them because you believe it will bring you peace and happiness, but it does the complete opposite. You have to fight the thoughts. You have to accept that it's going to be horrible at first and you will get upset and feel like you're not strong enough to fight them..but you are. Anyone is. You have to get angry at the voice, angry in the right way. You do the complete opposite. The more you do this, the more you're in control of you're own life. The thoughts get easier overtime to overcome. They are still there but they're quieter which means you can focus on more meaningful things in life. It's like an enemy in your head which can pop up out of nowhere. But whatever it tells you to do, you have to ignore it. You can't believe anything it says. This is why being in recovery from an eating disorder takes years. It's still there in your head but you can either let it control or YOU can control it.
Saturday, 30 September 2017
Tuesday, 12 September 2017
Meal plans during eating disorder recovery...
'Meal Plans' during anorexia recovery are probably one of the hardest things to thing about. After all, it's about FOOD and tackling your eating disorder head on.
Throughout 4 years of struggling with anorexia and bulimia, planning meals have always been difficult. When you're in hospital although the eating of the actual food is obviously daunting in the early stages, the actual meal planning is done for you at the start. Which in some ways is so much easier and again, difficult in terms of giving up what you've previously stuck to and handing all responsibility to someone else.
Getting the balance right outside of hospital in order to maintain recovery I initially found extremely hard - eating enough to gain weight and also including the right kind of things to prevent binge/purge urges. To begin with is I always used to convince myself what I had planned was 'right'; but this wasn't me that thought it was right, it was that stupid other part of me...the 'eating disorder'. Every time I stuck to this kind of plan I would end up where I had started - Struggling to maintain/gain weight with the occasional binge/purge (bloody hell I was hungry what did I expect would happen!?!? So until recently, I had to become strict with myself. No messing out, no restricting, no taking anything out etc etc...if I'd done this all before and it never helped me would it suddenly help me now? It's so difficult because even though you sometimes know rationally what is 'enough' and what types of food you can, portions and all that...the stupid thoughts make you believe it is all wrong. Science and facts are all wrong...really? That's why you have to throw the rule book away and start afresh. Start properly.
I'm no nutritionist/dietician and everybody is different but this is what worked for me. I followed a meal plan similar to those in a hospital unit to begin restoring weight. This may help some people but again...everyone is different so i'm not saying this is right for everybody.
Breakfast: A full bowl of cereal & 2x toast/crumpets (no skimping on spread etc - these rules have never helped you before!
Morning snack: biscuits/chocolate bar etc etc
Lunch: Sandwich with substantial filling with crisps and yogurt/choc bar/things like that!
Afternoon snack: ice cream/biscuits
Dinner: Carbs, protein with veg/salad ('normal portions) and a hot pudding (sponge & custard , cake and ice cream etc)
Supper: Crumpets/cereal/pancakes with fruit
The meal plan above helped me to gain weight. But there had to be no compromises , no taking anything out, no 'diet foods' etc...
When heading towards a healthy weight I didn't just take half of my intake out because for me personally, it would have increased binge/purge urges which has happened when I've done this before in the past. Instead, my hunger cues were coming back so I listened to my body; what it wanted, when it wanted it. I didn't cut any sort of foods out. There was no big transformation to my meal plan - my body just knew what it wanted. This massively helped with flexibility. I don't really have a meal plan I follow which I'm so so happy about it because I've always been rigid and never really believe I would ever get to the hunger/fullness stage. I still eat breakfast, lunch and dinner and of course snacks! Yes..snacks. You can't cut things like this out when you've had an eating disorder because it leaves you vulnerable for things to start spiralling back down. I eat pudding when I fancy it, I can go out for lunch and pick what I fancy, it just feels a lot more free.
Don't get me wrong..just by writing this down it isn't easy at all. It's as difficult if not MORE difficult than just listening to the eating disorder because you still get the guilty thoughts but instead, you chose to override them on continue regardless. This is why you have to be so so strict with yourself. Also, there are still things I find difficult but if I've got to this stage and it's bloody amazing it can only get better.
When trying to recover and going through the difficult feelings you have to think to yourself the good ol' quote 'short term pain, long term gain'...because this is so true. Believe me, it is. Being able to have a piece of cake when you fancy it, accepting invitations to go out for dinner with friends, not having 'set meal times' These are worth any more than whatever an eating disorder has giving you.
Hope this helps someone xx
Sunday, 3 September 2017
Busiest week of my life in..forever!
What defines being 'busy'? I'm guessing this definition everyone would interpret differently depending on what each individual considers to be 'busy'.
During recovery, even though you're giving your body the fuel it needs it's still absolutely exhausting; emotionally. As soon as you feed your body the energy it needs you'd expect yourself to be bouncing around full of life. Its emotionally exhausting.
I've noticed that week by week my energy levels are getting noticeably better but it's felt quite slow
This is what happened during my recent 'Recovery experience...
1) First few weeks in recovery - Sleeping and eating (energy wise: absolutely shattering)
2) 2nd month or so - Same as above and going out to the shops a few times and maybe meeting up with someone once or twice
3) 3rd/4 month: All of the above but going out more but feeling incredibly shattered by the end of it and sleeping more in the day
4) Present: Spending more time out socialising, piecing life together again bit by bit (and the occasional nanna nap)
My definition of 'busy' changes all of the time. A couple of months ago going out for an hour or so in the day time and sleeping in the day would be my busy due to energy levels, which to someone else would not have been a 'busy' at all.
For me... I've literally had 'Thee Busiest' week of my life in literally months. I thank my energy levels for this and I know continuing and moving forward, these energy levels with improve even more so, allowing me to fit more in my day. I can honestly say if I had not chosen recovery /were still at the early stages I would not be able to hold down a job - I'd be falling asleep all the time. This is why I'm incredibly grateful for my ever-growing energy levels haha - because it's setting me up for a better future i terms of being able to function normally doing day to day things like having a job and working long hours, with still the time and energy to fit in other things Anyway...back to my 'busiest week' ha...
My now 'better functioning body' has allowed to meet up with friends which I did a few times this week, eat out, go on a 'walking day' with my housing association, attend a psychiatrist appointment, run my first ever 'art therapy group at my volunteering, and spend the bank holiday weekend with my family.
Spending time with my family was amazing. It was just so 'normal' enjoyable and relaxing Time went so fast..too fast. A few months back a weekend like this would have been completely different. I didn't dread seeing my family, but I dreaded how I was going to juggle anorexia with 'appearing OK, happy and normal'. Anorexia doesn't like change, it doesn't like flexibility and it certainly doesn't like it when 100% of your time is dedicated to 'It'. This is why it became quite hard to see friends/family. 'It' didn't like it'. The thoughts/planning to meet up with people was difficult. It wasn't a simple thought of 'Oh I'm going to see so and so..'. It was more like 'You'll have to make sure you go on a long walk in case you're sat down for a long time'...'Make sure you have X or lunch and have it at this specific time and if you have it any later then it's too late - you can't eat'....'You can only spend X amount of time when seeing this person because you need to make sure you're thinking/planning/worrying about food & exercise'..'You'll have to go on another walk after meeting your friends/family just in case the first one wasn't enough'. This is why it became really difficult to genuinely enjoy spending time with people..Instead trying to force a smile, trying your hardest to concentrate on the conversation when 'It' is the forefront in your mind and trying to ignore it, and not feel guilty for what your'e doing seems almost impossible.
The above described compared to what its like to spend time with other people is the complete opposite. No voice nagging at you telling you off for 'socialising'. Instead genuine enjoyment, laughter and making memories. It feels like you're born again when you start getting enjoyment from things like this Everything seems new and surreal but in the most amazing way. The bank holiday with my family was fabulous. Spending quality time with my Mum, sister and Simon. Eating nice food including malteser & white chocolate ice cream (which can I say was amazing!, laughing, seeing my mum so much happier, being interested in what they have been up to and smiling. I'll never forget this weekend and for all the right reasons You know when you was a kid and that feeling you get when it's the night before going back to school after you've had a holiday? That sort of sad feeling about not wanting to go back because you've enjoyed being off! I kind of felt like that this bank holiday...sad afterwards because I had such a good time. Definitely looking forward to the next one!
Chelsea X
During recovery, even though you're giving your body the fuel it needs it's still absolutely exhausting; emotionally. As soon as you feed your body the energy it needs you'd expect yourself to be bouncing around full of life. Its emotionally exhausting.
I've noticed that week by week my energy levels are getting noticeably better but it's felt quite slow
This is what happened during my recent 'Recovery experience...
1) First few weeks in recovery - Sleeping and eating (energy wise: absolutely shattering)
2) 2nd month or so - Same as above and going out to the shops a few times and maybe meeting up with someone once or twice
3) 3rd/4 month: All of the above but going out more but feeling incredibly shattered by the end of it and sleeping more in the day
4) Present: Spending more time out socialising, piecing life together again bit by bit (and the occasional nanna nap)
My definition of 'busy' changes all of the time. A couple of months ago going out for an hour or so in the day time and sleeping in the day would be my busy due to energy levels, which to someone else would not have been a 'busy' at all.
For me... I've literally had 'Thee Busiest' week of my life in literally months. I thank my energy levels for this and I know continuing and moving forward, these energy levels with improve even more so, allowing me to fit more in my day. I can honestly say if I had not chosen recovery /were still at the early stages I would not be able to hold down a job - I'd be falling asleep all the time. This is why I'm incredibly grateful for my ever-growing energy levels haha - because it's setting me up for a better future i terms of being able to function normally doing day to day things like having a job and working long hours, with still the time and energy to fit in other things Anyway...back to my 'busiest week' ha...
My now 'better functioning body' has allowed to meet up with friends which I did a few times this week, eat out, go on a 'walking day' with my housing association, attend a psychiatrist appointment, run my first ever 'art therapy group at my volunteering, and spend the bank holiday weekend with my family.
Spending time with my family was amazing. It was just so 'normal' enjoyable and relaxing Time went so fast..too fast. A few months back a weekend like this would have been completely different. I didn't dread seeing my family, but I dreaded how I was going to juggle anorexia with 'appearing OK, happy and normal'. Anorexia doesn't like change, it doesn't like flexibility and it certainly doesn't like it when 100% of your time is dedicated to 'It'. This is why it became quite hard to see friends/family. 'It' didn't like it'. The thoughts/planning to meet up with people was difficult. It wasn't a simple thought of 'Oh I'm going to see so and so..'. It was more like 'You'll have to make sure you go on a long walk in case you're sat down for a long time'...'Make sure you have X or lunch and have it at this specific time and if you have it any later then it's too late - you can't eat'....'You can only spend X amount of time when seeing this person because you need to make sure you're thinking/planning/worrying about food & exercise'..'You'll have to go on another walk after meeting your friends/family just in case the first one wasn't enough'. This is why it became really difficult to genuinely enjoy spending time with people..Instead trying to force a smile, trying your hardest to concentrate on the conversation when 'It' is the forefront in your mind and trying to ignore it, and not feel guilty for what your'e doing seems almost impossible.
The above described compared to what its like to spend time with other people is the complete opposite. No voice nagging at you telling you off for 'socialising'. Instead genuine enjoyment, laughter and making memories. It feels like you're born again when you start getting enjoyment from things like this Everything seems new and surreal but in the most amazing way. The bank holiday with my family was fabulous. Spending quality time with my Mum, sister and Simon. Eating nice food including malteser & white chocolate ice cream (which can I say was amazing!, laughing, seeing my mum so much happier, being interested in what they have been up to and smiling. I'll never forget this weekend and for all the right reasons You know when you was a kid and that feeling you get when it's the night before going back to school after you've had a holiday? That sort of sad feeling about not wanting to go back because you've enjoyed being off! I kind of felt like that this bank holiday...sad afterwards because I had such a good time. Definitely looking forward to the next one!
Chelsea X
Monday, 14 August 2017
Recovery VS Relapse...
You know when people say....'Recovery is so much worth it"? (which is true by the way..), but what does this actually mean? People say 'your life will start piecing together again' but to someone stuck in an eating disorder this could mean many things. The outcome of recovering/recovery can be so different from 1 person to the next which is why it can be feel a bit daunting/confusing at first. I'm going to use my experiences as to why Recovery definitely IS worth it and how life really does start to get exciting once you begin to shut the door on an illness that has taken so much away from you.
To begin with I've been there. I'll hold my hand up and say I've told myself I've 'recovered' a handful of times. Most of theses being just as I had left hospitals. It's what everyone wants to hear right? But looking back on these times I had known deep down that I wasn't recovering at all. I knew what I was doing wasn't right but had still convinced myself and others I was doing well. Recovery is so bloody difficult and that's why it takes time and effort. It's not a straightforward process as it requires your brain to think/behave in a completely new way. You have trained your brain for so long to go down a 'certain path', which is why any 'little' diversion back down that path can begin a snowball effect and before you know it, you're long gone back down that path it can seen almost 'impossible' to turn back around. This is why it is so important to be honest with yourself. Be honest with where you're at, use your skills to do a sort of 'mini-evaluation' of how you think you've been doing. This gives you the opportunity to assess if you've started to use any old behaviour/s that you know have always taken you back down 'that path' in he past. This may seem weird but in order to prevent a relapse and keep yourself on track, it's so so important to keep checking in with yourself. 'It's only the once I'll do it all properly tomorrow'...'I won't have this today but I'll sure to have it tomorrow', 'It's only a little behaviour so it's not important'. Sound familiar? They do to me. I know that I've left myself vulnerable to a relapse when any tiny negative behaviours have been used, because I always think 'It's only today, it's not a big deal'. But it is a big deal because as soon as you've triggered that 'old brain pattern', it wants more and more. Tomorrow never comes, nor does the next day or the day after that. Before you know it, using negative behaviours has now become a regular behaviour and that's when things can spiral, and in a short space of time. This is what happened to me late last year. I was healthy, learn all my skills and thought I was 'cured', but didn't use them enough to tackle head on any tiny negative thought that came into my mind so just 'went with it' and before I knew it I was back to square one. I remember asking myself 'How has this happened'? and unfortunately it had all happened just by listening to that one 'tiny' niggle from the voice before I continued to listen and obey. That's why I'm trying to highlight that any little negative behaviour that you think is a 'one off' will become more and more difficult to not listen to.
This leads me onto the sort of 'approach to take' whilst in recovery/maintaining recovery. You have to cut off all rules. Not just a few, not every single one of them apart from 1, but all. You need a clean slate. One thing I have learnt that you simply cannot recover whilst bargaining with your eating disorder. I've tried and tested this over and over again but each time I follow this, it never works, and then you begin to wonder why It hasn't again. You truly have to rip up the old rule book - after all...keep asking yourself where has following this rule book ever got me? You have to create new rules which are sort of boundaries (and will start to form the 'new pattern' of thinking that you can train your brain to become familiar with. When you practise these new rules they become less 'odd/natural' and will feel more 'normal'. After all, this is how you started to train your brain to think in more negative ways, so you have equal chance of thinking/believing/ acting on new thought patterns. This also reminds me of the saying 'You were never born with an eating disorder' which is 100% true. Well we weren't were we? So any time when it gets tough and you think 'Well I've always been like this'.... 'I'll just accept this is who I am'... 'I'll never change' <<< These are definitely NOT true. These are just thoughts and the ability to change comes from within is believe it or not. I used t think 'do I REALLY' have the ability to recover? I've always ended up going backwards'...again these are JUST thoughts and they are not real! We have the capability within ourselves to recover..and it's bloody hard that's why it's sometimes hard to believe but it's true!
Anyway back to why recovery is WORTH it. When you truly go against all rules, and you get your eating back in check something magical happens...your LIFE starts to piece together again. I've always thought to myself 'When will this happen', 'When will I start being interested in doing things again?'...'When will I make more friends?'...'When will I be comfortable with going into a restaurant?'...'When will I feel more happier and care-free'? There is no definite answer, it is different or everybody and from my experiences during the past few months, it just 'happens'. You don't wake up one day and think 'I'm happy now' or 'I feel social again', overtime once your brain starts to function properly again and your body thanks you for adequate nutrition..things do happen. One thing I will say is that the more you put into recovery the more you'll get out of it, just like the reverse; the more you bow down to any negative thought,the more similar thoughts will start creeping in again. This is why people say 'recovery is a choice'...because as hard as it is to believe sometimes and although you didn't choose to have an eating disorder,you rally do have the power in your own head to decide which way you want to go.
I sometimes reflect on how quickly things spiralled down the wrong path for me between October/-Jan-Feb time'. It seemed within a blink of an eye I was back in a place I truly didn't believe I would ever be again. But spinning this around...since April time-present (which feels like a lifetime but in the grand scheme of things it's only around 4 months), so so much has changed (positively) in what is really a short space of time. This is what helps maintain recovery. Once you see the 'perks' of recovery i.e. getting your life back...it helps you continue because of how much you enjoy just 'living again'. And to get to this point you have to 'do recovery' to see what it's really like. And this is why like I said earlier any old rule that hasn't helped needs to be binned. Because old rules and recovery don't mix well together. You will never truly see what recovery is like if you still cling to old behaviours. Don't get me wrong, every day will not be 'brilliant. You will have blips and that's ok (hence why recovery isn't 'linear'...but it's how you get through these blips that happened. Not thinking 'Well I've messed up now I may as well carry on' (I am guilty of this in the past. Doing this is what starts leading you back down the old path again. But if you learn how to recover in a more positive not so black and white way, it helps to maintain your recovery. For example, thinking 'maybe in hindsight I shouldn't have done that.but I know that in future I will do something different about it'...and then being able to move on and focus on the road ahead. That's why 'checking in' with yourself can be so so helpful in the process of recovery.
X
To begin with I've been there. I'll hold my hand up and say I've told myself I've 'recovered' a handful of times. Most of theses being just as I had left hospitals. It's what everyone wants to hear right? But looking back on these times I had known deep down that I wasn't recovering at all. I knew what I was doing wasn't right but had still convinced myself and others I was doing well. Recovery is so bloody difficult and that's why it takes time and effort. It's not a straightforward process as it requires your brain to think/behave in a completely new way. You have trained your brain for so long to go down a 'certain path', which is why any 'little' diversion back down that path can begin a snowball effect and before you know it, you're long gone back down that path it can seen almost 'impossible' to turn back around. This is why it is so important to be honest with yourself. Be honest with where you're at, use your skills to do a sort of 'mini-evaluation' of how you think you've been doing. This gives you the opportunity to assess if you've started to use any old behaviour/s that you know have always taken you back down 'that path' in he past. This may seem weird but in order to prevent a relapse and keep yourself on track, it's so so important to keep checking in with yourself. 'It's only the once I'll do it all properly tomorrow'...'I won't have this today but I'll sure to have it tomorrow', 'It's only a little behaviour so it's not important'. Sound familiar? They do to me. I know that I've left myself vulnerable to a relapse when any tiny negative behaviours have been used, because I always think 'It's only today, it's not a big deal'. But it is a big deal because as soon as you've triggered that 'old brain pattern', it wants more and more. Tomorrow never comes, nor does the next day or the day after that. Before you know it, using negative behaviours has now become a regular behaviour and that's when things can spiral, and in a short space of time. This is what happened to me late last year. I was healthy, learn all my skills and thought I was 'cured', but didn't use them enough to tackle head on any tiny negative thought that came into my mind so just 'went with it' and before I knew it I was back to square one. I remember asking myself 'How has this happened'? and unfortunately it had all happened just by listening to that one 'tiny' niggle from the voice before I continued to listen and obey. That's why I'm trying to highlight that any little negative behaviour that you think is a 'one off' will become more and more difficult to not listen to.
This leads me onto the sort of 'approach to take' whilst in recovery/maintaining recovery. You have to cut off all rules. Not just a few, not every single one of them apart from 1, but all. You need a clean slate. One thing I have learnt that you simply cannot recover whilst bargaining with your eating disorder. I've tried and tested this over and over again but each time I follow this, it never works, and then you begin to wonder why It hasn't again. You truly have to rip up the old rule book - after all...keep asking yourself where has following this rule book ever got me? You have to create new rules which are sort of boundaries (and will start to form the 'new pattern' of thinking that you can train your brain to become familiar with. When you practise these new rules they become less 'odd/natural' and will feel more 'normal'. After all, this is how you started to train your brain to think in more negative ways, so you have equal chance of thinking/believing/ acting on new thought patterns. This also reminds me of the saying 'You were never born with an eating disorder' which is 100% true. Well we weren't were we? So any time when it gets tough and you think 'Well I've always been like this'.... 'I'll just accept this is who I am'... 'I'll never change' <<< These are definitely NOT true. These are just thoughts and the ability to change comes from within is believe it or not. I used t think 'do I REALLY' have the ability to recover? I've always ended up going backwards'...again these are JUST thoughts and they are not real! We have the capability within ourselves to recover..and it's bloody hard that's why it's sometimes hard to believe but it's true!
Anyway back to why recovery is WORTH it. When you truly go against all rules, and you get your eating back in check something magical happens...your LIFE starts to piece together again. I've always thought to myself 'When will this happen', 'When will I start being interested in doing things again?'...'When will I make more friends?'...'When will I be comfortable with going into a restaurant?'...'When will I feel more happier and care-free'? There is no definite answer, it is different or everybody and from my experiences during the past few months, it just 'happens'. You don't wake up one day and think 'I'm happy now' or 'I feel social again', overtime once your brain starts to function properly again and your body thanks you for adequate nutrition..things do happen. One thing I will say is that the more you put into recovery the more you'll get out of it, just like the reverse; the more you bow down to any negative thought,the more similar thoughts will start creeping in again. This is why people say 'recovery is a choice'...because as hard as it is to believe sometimes and although you didn't choose to have an eating disorder,you rally do have the power in your own head to decide which way you want to go.
I sometimes reflect on how quickly things spiralled down the wrong path for me between October/-Jan-Feb time'. It seemed within a blink of an eye I was back in a place I truly didn't believe I would ever be again. But spinning this around...since April time-present (which feels like a lifetime but in the grand scheme of things it's only around 4 months), so so much has changed (positively) in what is really a short space of time. This is what helps maintain recovery. Once you see the 'perks' of recovery i.e. getting your life back...it helps you continue because of how much you enjoy just 'living again'. And to get to this point you have to 'do recovery' to see what it's really like. And this is why like I said earlier any old rule that hasn't helped needs to be binned. Because old rules and recovery don't mix well together. You will never truly see what recovery is like if you still cling to old behaviours. Don't get me wrong, every day will not be 'brilliant. You will have blips and that's ok (hence why recovery isn't 'linear'...but it's how you get through these blips that happened. Not thinking 'Well I've messed up now I may as well carry on' (I am guilty of this in the past. Doing this is what starts leading you back down the old path again. But if you learn how to recover in a more positive not so black and white way, it helps to maintain your recovery. For example, thinking 'maybe in hindsight I shouldn't have done that.but I know that in future I will do something different about it'...and then being able to move on and focus on the road ahead. That's why 'checking in' with yourself can be so so helpful in the process of recovery.
X
Tuesday, 8 August 2017
One of those 'Bleugh' days...
Do you ever wake up in the morning and automatically feel 'Bleugh'? Like it's just an off day. For some reason your mood is a little crappy and you genereally just don't feel motivated to do anything? Well that's one of those days for me today. I instantly see them as a 'write off'...a waste of a day. But is it really? Let me explain...
It's completely normal and ok to just be in an off mood for no reason. For starters, it's unnatural for anyone to fel happy 100% all of the time - and that's ok. Also, there doesn't need to be a reason behind as to why you may feel low in mood. I woke up this morning just not having any energy or motvation to do anything. I definitely don't think the weather helps with it being rainy all day! But I just wanted a 'stay at home' day. I questionned myself as to why I felt a bit 'bleugh' but there is no real reason, but like I said is that ok. For some reason not doing anything 'productive' initally sparked off thoughts surrounding guilt. Guilty for not 'achieving' something, Guilty for not contributing towards myself or in genereal towards society in some shape or form.
I know this may all sound weird as to why I'm writing this but it's because in the past when feeling 'low' for any reason at all, I would always revert back to some sort of negative behaviour to either escape/numb this emotion I wasn't very fond of. Usually this is through food; not feeling deserving due to my lack of 'meanlines day'. BUT thoughts are just thoughts and you don't need to act on them, and I don't anymore. Instead I try and do more helpful things to lift my mood, and sort of just accept i'm feeling not 100%, that's ok and it WILL go.
There are so many little things you can do to lift your mood which may seem small but they really do help. For example, I've watched some TV I enjoy and forced myself out for a coffee for a change of scenery and picked something nice to have for tea tonight! I've spent the majority of the day cosy in bed with my dressing gown and...that's ok! Even just writing this post to expres my emotions is a tool that can help.
What I'm trying to say is
1) It's ok to have an off day
2) Not feeling overly happy is OK - it will pass
3) A day spent relaxing is NOT a waste of the day. It's nice to have one (and there are little things to lift your mood)
And for me personally... I have achieved something,. I've achieved the ability to use my skills as to help my mood rather than use old behaviours as a way of coping, so actually I can tell myself it's a good day?
Sorry this is compltely random but these are my thoughts of the day!
It's completely normal and ok to just be in an off mood for no reason. For starters, it's unnatural for anyone to fel happy 100% all of the time - and that's ok. Also, there doesn't need to be a reason behind as to why you may feel low in mood. I woke up this morning just not having any energy or motvation to do anything. I definitely don't think the weather helps with it being rainy all day! But I just wanted a 'stay at home' day. I questionned myself as to why I felt a bit 'bleugh' but there is no real reason, but like I said is that ok. For some reason not doing anything 'productive' initally sparked off thoughts surrounding guilt. Guilty for not 'achieving' something, Guilty for not contributing towards myself or in genereal towards society in some shape or form.
I know this may all sound weird as to why I'm writing this but it's because in the past when feeling 'low' for any reason at all, I would always revert back to some sort of negative behaviour to either escape/numb this emotion I wasn't very fond of. Usually this is through food; not feeling deserving due to my lack of 'meanlines day'. BUT thoughts are just thoughts and you don't need to act on them, and I don't anymore. Instead I try and do more helpful things to lift my mood, and sort of just accept i'm feeling not 100%, that's ok and it WILL go.
There are so many little things you can do to lift your mood which may seem small but they really do help. For example, I've watched some TV I enjoy and forced myself out for a coffee for a change of scenery and picked something nice to have for tea tonight! I've spent the majority of the day cosy in bed with my dressing gown and...that's ok! Even just writing this post to expres my emotions is a tool that can help.
What I'm trying to say is
1) It's ok to have an off day
2) Not feeling overly happy is OK - it will pass
3) A day spent relaxing is NOT a waste of the day. It's nice to have one (and there are little things to lift your mood)
And for me personally... I have achieved something,. I've achieved the ability to use my skills as to help my mood rather than use old behaviours as a way of coping, so actually I can tell myself it's a good day?
Sorry this is compltely random but these are my thoughts of the day!
Sunday, 30 July 2017
Bulimia - The 'Ugly Truth'
Bulimia...
This topic has been on my mind today and I think its due to see others currently struggling with it, and knowing there will be no doubt lots of people suffering in silence too. It absolutely breaks my heart for all sufferers struggling with this eating disorder. I've struggled with this on and off whilst suffering with anorexia and was told by my consultant I had 'anorexia binge/purge subtype'...(I will explain what this means further along). For some reason during my blogging/vlogging of my recovery journey on social media this is something I haven't touched on much. Reason being? I find it the most difficult to talk about because there's so much 'shame' attached to it. And I'm even ashamed to say I'm ashamed if that makes sense? And I know that so many other people that have struggled/struggle with this feel this shame too. Well no more, because it's an illness and it's absolutely horrific and the cycle you get yourself in is so utterly draining. I'm here to openly discuss my experiences with bulimia. There is NO SHAME, I'm also here to tell any current sufferers that it is possible to overcome.
For those who don't know what 'Bulimia' is, it's eating food and then compensating for this and a common way of doing so is 'purging'. Quite often sufferers will eat what may be considered a 'vast' amount of food during these episodes...'binging and purging'. This isn't the case with all sufferers as just like any other eating disorder, they are so complex and people struggle in so many different ways. And also similar to ALL eating disorders, people with bulimia can be ANY weight. In fact, evidence shows that bulimia suffers tend to be a healthy weight.
So these are my experiences of this eating disorder for those who don't understand...this is me being very open and honest so please don't continue reading if you feel it may affect you as it's a very sensitive subject....
Bulimia crept into my live during my first inpatient admission for anorexia. Whilst getting so close to a healthy weight and finding it difficult to mentally accept I felt this sense of being 'out of control'. For months I had been in control of my food, something no one else could do and now it had been all taken away, I felt so lost. My emotions were coming back and I didn't know what to do. I had this thought of thinking 'well I've lost all control now, so I may as well just eat anything/everything'. And that's when it started. I ate and then I purged. This is something that got stronger when I was discharged and this became a massive problem. At first it was 'my little secret', my 'safety blanket'. When anything went wrong in my life I had something I felt at the time would help me escape everything. It wasn't long before my family knew but to be honest, they probably knew before I thought they knew. I used to go upstairs, turn the shower on (usually after evening meals) and 'get rid' of what I had eaten. I was ashamed of what I was doing but unfortunately it was so strong that 'doing it' had overridden shame. I was desperate - it felt like a drug. I would spend days on end buying so much food (and as a consequence spending so much money) to eat until I couldn't eat anymore to then (literally just throw it down the toilet). I'm sorry that may sound gross but like my title says - that's the ugly truth. Even when my family knew what I was doing I felt I 'had to do it' and just accepted that they knew what I was doing in the bathroom. When I was too embarrassed I would go to town, go to lots of different shops to buy food and find the nearest public toilet, I was so so desperate and nothing was going to stop me. It's a horrible cycle; the guilt turns into shame (which continues the cycle - making it harder to stop), guilt - shame, guilt shame etc etc.
After a few months I began to address this but my way of trying to 'fix' this was to control my food again but completely the other way. I remember thinking 'yesss I've stopped this' but unfortunately anorexia wormed it's way back into my life which led to me coming to another unit in York . As to why someone would develop bulimia, everyones reasons are so different. I explained why I felt mine started and it's because I have such a 'black and white' , 'all or nothing' way of thinking - which is a lot better now. Bulimia can help to escape and 'numb' emotions just like anorexia can. For me, I've figured for years I've used food as a form of control, and deep down it's just all to block out any emotions. Because of my 'all or nothing' way of thinking I couldn't find a middle ground. I either had to eat nothing or eat lot's and compensate for it. I felt stuck like this was how my relationship with food was going to be for the rest of my life - but it wasn't/isn't. After struggling later on last year with anorexia I had episodes of binging/purging which lead to waiting a certain amount of hours/days to eat again until I felt the guilt had lessoned and I was worthy of eating. Luckily since getting back to a healthy weight and developing a healthier relationship with food, knowing that NO food is bad, everything in moderation etc etc I haven't struggled with this.
Bulimia has so many health consequences:
- Low potassium - which leads to heart problems and can cause death
- Red and dry skin
-Dehydration
- Weakness
-Tiredness
.. and so many more
I want any suffer to know right now that they are not along, and CAN overcome this. It's nothing to be ashamed about, and you are WORTHY of recovery. As sad as this may sound, if I could take away eating disorders/or any mental health illness away from anyone/everyone I really would. It makes me so so sad and this is why the one good thing about my journey is the fact that I know what I want to work in mental health. Because I am passionate and if I contributed to saving just 1 persons life it would truly be an honour.
This topic has been on my mind today and I think its due to see others currently struggling with it, and knowing there will be no doubt lots of people suffering in silence too. It absolutely breaks my heart for all sufferers struggling with this eating disorder. I've struggled with this on and off whilst suffering with anorexia and was told by my consultant I had 'anorexia binge/purge subtype'...(I will explain what this means further along). For some reason during my blogging/vlogging of my recovery journey on social media this is something I haven't touched on much. Reason being? I find it the most difficult to talk about because there's so much 'shame' attached to it. And I'm even ashamed to say I'm ashamed if that makes sense? And I know that so many other people that have struggled/struggle with this feel this shame too. Well no more, because it's an illness and it's absolutely horrific and the cycle you get yourself in is so utterly draining. I'm here to openly discuss my experiences with bulimia. There is NO SHAME, I'm also here to tell any current sufferers that it is possible to overcome.
For those who don't know what 'Bulimia' is, it's eating food and then compensating for this and a common way of doing so is 'purging'. Quite often sufferers will eat what may be considered a 'vast' amount of food during these episodes...'binging and purging'. This isn't the case with all sufferers as just like any other eating disorder, they are so complex and people struggle in so many different ways. And also similar to ALL eating disorders, people with bulimia can be ANY weight. In fact, evidence shows that bulimia suffers tend to be a healthy weight.
So these are my experiences of this eating disorder for those who don't understand...this is me being very open and honest so please don't continue reading if you feel it may affect you as it's a very sensitive subject....
Bulimia crept into my live during my first inpatient admission for anorexia. Whilst getting so close to a healthy weight and finding it difficult to mentally accept I felt this sense of being 'out of control'. For months I had been in control of my food, something no one else could do and now it had been all taken away, I felt so lost. My emotions were coming back and I didn't know what to do. I had this thought of thinking 'well I've lost all control now, so I may as well just eat anything/everything'. And that's when it started. I ate and then I purged. This is something that got stronger when I was discharged and this became a massive problem. At first it was 'my little secret', my 'safety blanket'. When anything went wrong in my life I had something I felt at the time would help me escape everything. It wasn't long before my family knew but to be honest, they probably knew before I thought they knew. I used to go upstairs, turn the shower on (usually after evening meals) and 'get rid' of what I had eaten. I was ashamed of what I was doing but unfortunately it was so strong that 'doing it' had overridden shame. I was desperate - it felt like a drug. I would spend days on end buying so much food (and as a consequence spending so much money) to eat until I couldn't eat anymore to then (literally just throw it down the toilet). I'm sorry that may sound gross but like my title says - that's the ugly truth. Even when my family knew what I was doing I felt I 'had to do it' and just accepted that they knew what I was doing in the bathroom. When I was too embarrassed I would go to town, go to lots of different shops to buy food and find the nearest public toilet, I was so so desperate and nothing was going to stop me. It's a horrible cycle; the guilt turns into shame (which continues the cycle - making it harder to stop), guilt - shame, guilt shame etc etc.
After a few months I began to address this but my way of trying to 'fix' this was to control my food again but completely the other way. I remember thinking 'yesss I've stopped this' but unfortunately anorexia wormed it's way back into my life which led to me coming to another unit in York . As to why someone would develop bulimia, everyones reasons are so different. I explained why I felt mine started and it's because I have such a 'black and white' , 'all or nothing' way of thinking - which is a lot better now. Bulimia can help to escape and 'numb' emotions just like anorexia can. For me, I've figured for years I've used food as a form of control, and deep down it's just all to block out any emotions. Because of my 'all or nothing' way of thinking I couldn't find a middle ground. I either had to eat nothing or eat lot's and compensate for it. I felt stuck like this was how my relationship with food was going to be for the rest of my life - but it wasn't/isn't. After struggling later on last year with anorexia I had episodes of binging/purging which lead to waiting a certain amount of hours/days to eat again until I felt the guilt had lessoned and I was worthy of eating. Luckily since getting back to a healthy weight and developing a healthier relationship with food, knowing that NO food is bad, everything in moderation etc etc I haven't struggled with this.
Bulimia has so many health consequences:
- Low potassium - which leads to heart problems and can cause death
- Red and dry skin
-Dehydration
- Weakness
-Tiredness
.. and so many more
I want any suffer to know right now that they are not along, and CAN overcome this. It's nothing to be ashamed about, and you are WORTHY of recovery. As sad as this may sound, if I could take away eating disorders/or any mental health illness away from anyone/everyone I really would. It makes me so so sad and this is why the one good thing about my journey is the fact that I know what I want to work in mental health. Because I am passionate and if I contributed to saving just 1 persons life it would truly be an honour.
Monday, 17 July 2017
A is for anxiety...
Haven't written a blog in a while but had an exhausting day and writing these seems therapeutic to me.
I can't really be bothered to update on what's happend since my last post (as most of you who follow me on facebook/Instagram will already know from my updates).
So I'm here, I'm alive and I'm a healthy weight. God it feels weird to type out those words! On the whole everything is positive. I'm starting to 'live' more rather than just exist. The one thing I'm noticing at the moment is my anxiety is so strange at the minute, and I think I'll find it difficult to explain because it feels so messy in my head so I'll give it a go..
Most of you who may read this will probably know I started getting panic attacks in January which feel horrendous (those who've had them will know!!). Over the past few months they have subsided and I only get them every now and then which is a massive improvement. So here goes the really weird bit..
Since having my first panic attack I've been so in tune with my body in terms of looking after my health (which you could argue is a good thing) but my anxiety has gone to the extreme. Most days without fail I'll feel my breathing feel 'funny' (like...not right), my muscles feel so tense, my chest is tight and every time this happens I feel like something bad is happening. I just don't understand. And because I don't understand that's why I find it so difficult to explain. It feels like I walk around with this massive sense of 'dread' on my shoulder wherever I am, wherever I go and it consumes me sometimes. I'm happy, I'm healthy so why am I feeling like this?!?! Please someone help me?? I've been to a&e more time in the past few months than I have in my lifetime! The irony is I never use to look after myself in the gripse of anorexia; I didn't care. But I'm now healthy and every body sensation I fear the worst? I sound crazy? It just doesn't make sense!???
And I'm happy, I'm working towards a future I never thought or believed I'd have so why do I feel like this? I just feel like I need to calm down all the time and I use all skills I've learnt to do this. Anyway, I had my review today and they're going to support me with this and are prescribing me with some short term/quicker affect medication until I stop feeling like this. I just feel confused as to why this is happening, I just want to feel normal if that makes sense?
Things are good guys I promise I just don't get where this has come from!??!?
I can't really be bothered to update on what's happend since my last post (as most of you who follow me on facebook/Instagram will already know from my updates).
So I'm here, I'm alive and I'm a healthy weight. God it feels weird to type out those words! On the whole everything is positive. I'm starting to 'live' more rather than just exist. The one thing I'm noticing at the moment is my anxiety is so strange at the minute, and I think I'll find it difficult to explain because it feels so messy in my head so I'll give it a go..
Most of you who may read this will probably know I started getting panic attacks in January which feel horrendous (those who've had them will know!!). Over the past few months they have subsided and I only get them every now and then which is a massive improvement. So here goes the really weird bit..
Since having my first panic attack I've been so in tune with my body in terms of looking after my health (which you could argue is a good thing) but my anxiety has gone to the extreme. Most days without fail I'll feel my breathing feel 'funny' (like...not right), my muscles feel so tense, my chest is tight and every time this happens I feel like something bad is happening. I just don't understand. And because I don't understand that's why I find it so difficult to explain. It feels like I walk around with this massive sense of 'dread' on my shoulder wherever I am, wherever I go and it consumes me sometimes. I'm happy, I'm healthy so why am I feeling like this?!?! Please someone help me?? I've been to a&e more time in the past few months than I have in my lifetime! The irony is I never use to look after myself in the gripse of anorexia; I didn't care. But I'm now healthy and every body sensation I fear the worst? I sound crazy? It just doesn't make sense!???
And I'm happy, I'm working towards a future I never thought or believed I'd have so why do I feel like this? I just feel like I need to calm down all the time and I use all skills I've learnt to do this. Anyway, I had my review today and they're going to support me with this and are prescribing me with some short term/quicker affect medication until I stop feeling like this. I just feel confused as to why this is happening, I just want to feel normal if that makes sense?
Things are good guys I promise I just don't get where this has come from!??!?
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