In 12 more days I'll officially be moving into my first flat. It'll be the most independence I've ever had which am so bloody excited about. I was at University in London for 2 years so stayed in student halls and my friends house, but with shared rooms etc so the concept of having my own kitchen, bathroom etc feels like a dream.
Independence is what I've craved for such a long time, but never in the right way. Obeying and reacting to thoughts from an eating disorder gives you a false sense of 'control', which to me translated into independence. I convinced myself I was like this because I liked being on my own, and much preferred going places by myself. But hindsight has shown me this wasn't independence at all. There's a fine line between enjoying time on your own and isolating yourself. I know from looking back I was in isolation from the world, in order to only listen to the thoughts in my head and what they were telling me to do, instead of anything/anyone else. The irony of all this is that, anorexia stripped away every last bit of independence. It does the exact opposite. I know that for myself and many other people, it can sort of make put you in 'child mode'. Some of this is due to your brain just not functioning properly and some of this is because at some point, people will step in, and that's when the 'control' can be handed over to someone else.
Going from being happy-go-lucky at University and not really relying on anyone else to being put in hospital where people made every decision for you is so so weird. You're at the age in which society tells you that you can look after yourself, to then other people doing this for you? It's like you get stripped back to a child. The food you put in your mouth, the places you go and whether you can even walk or not is all made for you. It's so crazy. This is why family and friends try and tell a sufferer 'they're not in control at all', but when your in the depths of it all you truly believe you are. It's not until later on you realise they were right, and you were wrong. I never really speak about this but another form of 'not feeling independent' that comes to mind was the day I was sectioned, and looking back it's probably one of the worst days of my life. The feeling of being trapped somewhere you can't escape even if you wanted to. Just 'knowing' if you wanted to do something you couldn't. It made me angry that some signed papers had so much power to control a human being. No independence whatsoever. I always remember one of the first things the doctor said to me 'You won't be allowed to enter America right now' which I thought was completely random but funny story.... which me and my mum laugh at now: When on a section I had this brilliant idea to book a holiday to America for myself and my mum which was for 2 weeks time. I didn't even tell my mum until I had booked it. I have absolutely no idea what was going through my mind and safe to say we didn't end up going and I sold the holiday! But it makes me and my mum laugh when we talk about it.
Anyway I went on a bit of a tangent but for the first time in my 'adulthood', this is my first biggest test of independence. I'm currently living in a shared support house and where I'm going is my own flat and I'll see a housing support worker once a week. In 2 years time, I'll then be flying solo and getting my own pad with no housing support worker which is exacting. I'm happy with the next step I'll be taking. It feels like the 'right' one. I have zero experience in interior design or décor but I guess you have to learn somewhere! I've got support from family and friends with the move which I'm eternally grateful for and all I can say is.....I'm exciteddddddd!
Wednesday 11 October 2017
Saturday 30 September 2017
Whirlwind of a year...
It's dawned upon me that I'm a few days away from it being 1 year since I left my inpatient admission..and 1 year where I know hand on heart that'll I'll be looking back at my last ever discharge. No more hospitals, more 'living'.
Looking back over this year is strange...because it's been weird. So many up's and downs but the main thing is that where I am now I will stay. No going back. I want to continue exploring and growing into this 'living concept'. Because so far it has proven to be so much more of a worthy and enjoyable life.
It's amazing how things can change so quickly and a reflection of this year proves it...
- Leaving hospital on the same day as moving house in the city what I was so excited to live in York
- Having my future planned out in my head including finish my degree, that whilst typing this I would have finished by now
- Being quite naive to the fact that recovery is an ongoing process and not really preparing for any old thoughts to come back
- Being surprised as anyone else that struggles crept in, and embarrassed to be honest with people about this
- 'Celebrating' another Christmas which to be honest was dreadful, because of how I'd allowed myself to slip again. (I remember dreading coming home for it. Countless phone calls with my mum on how I would manage the food and the social aspect and letting the stupid voice in my head dictate how I would spend this Christmas).
- The new year brought new challenges and I couldn't quite understand how I would climb back out of this dark hole again. The result being having to come home for a couple of months in order to decide where I was to go from here. Looking at another hospital stay and the massive uncertainty about what was going to happen
- Slowly loosing the chance of being able to live back in York again
- Giving the opportunity to come back to York if I got my eating back on track
- Half -hearted attempts at 'recovery' by myself but becoming sick of the same result;still being stuck
- The realisation of what I had lost to my eating disorder. I had 2 options: To continue, and be sent back to Grimsby or to prove myself
- I don't know how/why it happened but I chose recovery. Recovery involving absolutely no compromises as this had only ever resulted going back to square one. Doing it properly. Accepting the uncomfortable feelings and riding through them.
- It worked. Doing recovery for real gave me my life back gradually. I was able to come back to York
- As the thoughts were being managed in the right way, I had more room in my head to start building the life that I wanted
- Starting to do things I enjoyed like volunteering in order to help with the future career I want
- Building up friendships. Meeting a new friend who is pretty much like me. We are so similar it's strange. Being able to go out and do 'normal' things without eating disorders getting in the way. Eating out, laughing until you cry, doing random things and just being 'yourself'. It brings so much happiness
- Trying to build on my future and now waiting to move to my first ever flat (right next to my friend!!)
- Looking forward to this Christmas
- Appreciating life for what it is and all the amazing opportunities it can bring with good health
I honestly can't believe how so much can change/happen in a year. When I write the above reflection of the year it has ended positively. But what I want to say is it is not in any way a miracle cure. You don't wake up one day and the thoughts that have controlled you have gone away. They're still there. The only difference is the motivation/determination to not let the disorder control you anymore is stronger. It's stronger because you are sick of the outcome of obeying all of these thoughts. You obey them because you believe it will bring you peace and happiness, but it does the complete opposite. You have to fight the thoughts. You have to accept that it's going to be horrible at first and you will get upset and feel like you're not strong enough to fight them..but you are. Anyone is. You have to get angry at the voice, angry in the right way. You do the complete opposite. The more you do this, the more you're in control of you're own life. The thoughts get easier overtime to overcome. They are still there but they're quieter which means you can focus on more meaningful things in life. It's like an enemy in your head which can pop up out of nowhere. But whatever it tells you to do, you have to ignore it. You can't believe anything it says. This is why being in recovery from an eating disorder takes years. It's still there in your head but you can either let it control or YOU can control it.
Looking back over this year is strange...because it's been weird. So many up's and downs but the main thing is that where I am now I will stay. No going back. I want to continue exploring and growing into this 'living concept'. Because so far it has proven to be so much more of a worthy and enjoyable life.
It's amazing how things can change so quickly and a reflection of this year proves it...
- Leaving hospital on the same day as moving house in the city what I was so excited to live in York
- Having my future planned out in my head including finish my degree, that whilst typing this I would have finished by now
- Being quite naive to the fact that recovery is an ongoing process and not really preparing for any old thoughts to come back
- Being surprised as anyone else that struggles crept in, and embarrassed to be honest with people about this
- 'Celebrating' another Christmas which to be honest was dreadful, because of how I'd allowed myself to slip again. (I remember dreading coming home for it. Countless phone calls with my mum on how I would manage the food and the social aspect and letting the stupid voice in my head dictate how I would spend this Christmas).
- The new year brought new challenges and I couldn't quite understand how I would climb back out of this dark hole again. The result being having to come home for a couple of months in order to decide where I was to go from here. Looking at another hospital stay and the massive uncertainty about what was going to happen
- Slowly loosing the chance of being able to live back in York again
- Giving the opportunity to come back to York if I got my eating back on track
- Half -hearted attempts at 'recovery' by myself but becoming sick of the same result;still being stuck
- The realisation of what I had lost to my eating disorder. I had 2 options: To continue, and be sent back to Grimsby or to prove myself
- I don't know how/why it happened but I chose recovery. Recovery involving absolutely no compromises as this had only ever resulted going back to square one. Doing it properly. Accepting the uncomfortable feelings and riding through them.
- It worked. Doing recovery for real gave me my life back gradually. I was able to come back to York
- As the thoughts were being managed in the right way, I had more room in my head to start building the life that I wanted
- Starting to do things I enjoyed like volunteering in order to help with the future career I want
- Building up friendships. Meeting a new friend who is pretty much like me. We are so similar it's strange. Being able to go out and do 'normal' things without eating disorders getting in the way. Eating out, laughing until you cry, doing random things and just being 'yourself'. It brings so much happiness
- Trying to build on my future and now waiting to move to my first ever flat (right next to my friend!!)
- Looking forward to this Christmas
- Appreciating life for what it is and all the amazing opportunities it can bring with good health
I honestly can't believe how so much can change/happen in a year. When I write the above reflection of the year it has ended positively. But what I want to say is it is not in any way a miracle cure. You don't wake up one day and the thoughts that have controlled you have gone away. They're still there. The only difference is the motivation/determination to not let the disorder control you anymore is stronger. It's stronger because you are sick of the outcome of obeying all of these thoughts. You obey them because you believe it will bring you peace and happiness, but it does the complete opposite. You have to fight the thoughts. You have to accept that it's going to be horrible at first and you will get upset and feel like you're not strong enough to fight them..but you are. Anyone is. You have to get angry at the voice, angry in the right way. You do the complete opposite. The more you do this, the more you're in control of you're own life. The thoughts get easier overtime to overcome. They are still there but they're quieter which means you can focus on more meaningful things in life. It's like an enemy in your head which can pop up out of nowhere. But whatever it tells you to do, you have to ignore it. You can't believe anything it says. This is why being in recovery from an eating disorder takes years. It's still there in your head but you can either let it control or YOU can control it.
Tuesday 12 September 2017
Meal plans during eating disorder recovery...
'Meal Plans' during anorexia recovery are probably one of the hardest things to thing about. After all, it's about FOOD and tackling your eating disorder head on.
Throughout 4 years of struggling with anorexia and bulimia, planning meals have always been difficult. When you're in hospital although the eating of the actual food is obviously daunting in the early stages, the actual meal planning is done for you at the start. Which in some ways is so much easier and again, difficult in terms of giving up what you've previously stuck to and handing all responsibility to someone else.
Getting the balance right outside of hospital in order to maintain recovery I initially found extremely hard - eating enough to gain weight and also including the right kind of things to prevent binge/purge urges. To begin with is I always used to convince myself what I had planned was 'right'; but this wasn't me that thought it was right, it was that stupid other part of me...the 'eating disorder'. Every time I stuck to this kind of plan I would end up where I had started - Struggling to maintain/gain weight with the occasional binge/purge (bloody hell I was hungry what did I expect would happen!?!? So until recently, I had to become strict with myself. No messing out, no restricting, no taking anything out etc etc...if I'd done this all before and it never helped me would it suddenly help me now? It's so difficult because even though you sometimes know rationally what is 'enough' and what types of food you can, portions and all that...the stupid thoughts make you believe it is all wrong. Science and facts are all wrong...really? That's why you have to throw the rule book away and start afresh. Start properly.
I'm no nutritionist/dietician and everybody is different but this is what worked for me. I followed a meal plan similar to those in a hospital unit to begin restoring weight. This may help some people but again...everyone is different so i'm not saying this is right for everybody.
Breakfast: A full bowl of cereal & 2x toast/crumpets (no skimping on spread etc - these rules have never helped you before!
Morning snack: biscuits/chocolate bar etc etc
Lunch: Sandwich with substantial filling with crisps and yogurt/choc bar/things like that!
Afternoon snack: ice cream/biscuits
Dinner: Carbs, protein with veg/salad ('normal portions) and a hot pudding (sponge & custard , cake and ice cream etc)
Supper: Crumpets/cereal/pancakes with fruit
The meal plan above helped me to gain weight. But there had to be no compromises , no taking anything out, no 'diet foods' etc...
When heading towards a healthy weight I didn't just take half of my intake out because for me personally, it would have increased binge/purge urges which has happened when I've done this before in the past. Instead, my hunger cues were coming back so I listened to my body; what it wanted, when it wanted it. I didn't cut any sort of foods out. There was no big transformation to my meal plan - my body just knew what it wanted. This massively helped with flexibility. I don't really have a meal plan I follow which I'm so so happy about it because I've always been rigid and never really believe I would ever get to the hunger/fullness stage. I still eat breakfast, lunch and dinner and of course snacks! Yes..snacks. You can't cut things like this out when you've had an eating disorder because it leaves you vulnerable for things to start spiralling back down. I eat pudding when I fancy it, I can go out for lunch and pick what I fancy, it just feels a lot more free.
Don't get me wrong..just by writing this down it isn't easy at all. It's as difficult if not MORE difficult than just listening to the eating disorder because you still get the guilty thoughts but instead, you chose to override them on continue regardless. This is why you have to be so so strict with yourself. Also, there are still things I find difficult but if I've got to this stage and it's bloody amazing it can only get better.
When trying to recover and going through the difficult feelings you have to think to yourself the good ol' quote 'short term pain, long term gain'...because this is so true. Believe me, it is. Being able to have a piece of cake when you fancy it, accepting invitations to go out for dinner with friends, not having 'set meal times' These are worth any more than whatever an eating disorder has giving you.
Hope this helps someone xx
Sunday 3 September 2017
Busiest week of my life in..forever!
What defines being 'busy'? I'm guessing this definition everyone would interpret differently depending on what each individual considers to be 'busy'.
During recovery, even though you're giving your body the fuel it needs it's still absolutely exhausting; emotionally. As soon as you feed your body the energy it needs you'd expect yourself to be bouncing around full of life. Its emotionally exhausting.
I've noticed that week by week my energy levels are getting noticeably better but it's felt quite slow
This is what happened during my recent 'Recovery experience...
1) First few weeks in recovery - Sleeping and eating (energy wise: absolutely shattering)
2) 2nd month or so - Same as above and going out to the shops a few times and maybe meeting up with someone once or twice
3) 3rd/4 month: All of the above but going out more but feeling incredibly shattered by the end of it and sleeping more in the day
4) Present: Spending more time out socialising, piecing life together again bit by bit (and the occasional nanna nap)
My definition of 'busy' changes all of the time. A couple of months ago going out for an hour or so in the day time and sleeping in the day would be my busy due to energy levels, which to someone else would not have been a 'busy' at all.
For me... I've literally had 'Thee Busiest' week of my life in literally months. I thank my energy levels for this and I know continuing and moving forward, these energy levels with improve even more so, allowing me to fit more in my day. I can honestly say if I had not chosen recovery /were still at the early stages I would not be able to hold down a job - I'd be falling asleep all the time. This is why I'm incredibly grateful for my ever-growing energy levels haha - because it's setting me up for a better future i terms of being able to function normally doing day to day things like having a job and working long hours, with still the time and energy to fit in other things Anyway...back to my 'busiest week' ha...
My now 'better functioning body' has allowed to meet up with friends which I did a few times this week, eat out, go on a 'walking day' with my housing association, attend a psychiatrist appointment, run my first ever 'art therapy group at my volunteering, and spend the bank holiday weekend with my family.
Spending time with my family was amazing. It was just so 'normal' enjoyable and relaxing Time went so fast..too fast. A few months back a weekend like this would have been completely different. I didn't dread seeing my family, but I dreaded how I was going to juggle anorexia with 'appearing OK, happy and normal'. Anorexia doesn't like change, it doesn't like flexibility and it certainly doesn't like it when 100% of your time is dedicated to 'It'. This is why it became quite hard to see friends/family. 'It' didn't like it'. The thoughts/planning to meet up with people was difficult. It wasn't a simple thought of 'Oh I'm going to see so and so..'. It was more like 'You'll have to make sure you go on a long walk in case you're sat down for a long time'...'Make sure you have X or lunch and have it at this specific time and if you have it any later then it's too late - you can't eat'....'You can only spend X amount of time when seeing this person because you need to make sure you're thinking/planning/worrying about food & exercise'..'You'll have to go on another walk after meeting your friends/family just in case the first one wasn't enough'. This is why it became really difficult to genuinely enjoy spending time with people..Instead trying to force a smile, trying your hardest to concentrate on the conversation when 'It' is the forefront in your mind and trying to ignore it, and not feel guilty for what your'e doing seems almost impossible.
The above described compared to what its like to spend time with other people is the complete opposite. No voice nagging at you telling you off for 'socialising'. Instead genuine enjoyment, laughter and making memories. It feels like you're born again when you start getting enjoyment from things like this Everything seems new and surreal but in the most amazing way. The bank holiday with my family was fabulous. Spending quality time with my Mum, sister and Simon. Eating nice food including malteser & white chocolate ice cream (which can I say was amazing!, laughing, seeing my mum so much happier, being interested in what they have been up to and smiling. I'll never forget this weekend and for all the right reasons You know when you was a kid and that feeling you get when it's the night before going back to school after you've had a holiday? That sort of sad feeling about not wanting to go back because you've enjoyed being off! I kind of felt like that this bank holiday...sad afterwards because I had such a good time. Definitely looking forward to the next one!
Chelsea X
During recovery, even though you're giving your body the fuel it needs it's still absolutely exhausting; emotionally. As soon as you feed your body the energy it needs you'd expect yourself to be bouncing around full of life. Its emotionally exhausting.
I've noticed that week by week my energy levels are getting noticeably better but it's felt quite slow
This is what happened during my recent 'Recovery experience...
1) First few weeks in recovery - Sleeping and eating (energy wise: absolutely shattering)
2) 2nd month or so - Same as above and going out to the shops a few times and maybe meeting up with someone once or twice
3) 3rd/4 month: All of the above but going out more but feeling incredibly shattered by the end of it and sleeping more in the day
4) Present: Spending more time out socialising, piecing life together again bit by bit (and the occasional nanna nap)
My definition of 'busy' changes all of the time. A couple of months ago going out for an hour or so in the day time and sleeping in the day would be my busy due to energy levels, which to someone else would not have been a 'busy' at all.
For me... I've literally had 'Thee Busiest' week of my life in literally months. I thank my energy levels for this and I know continuing and moving forward, these energy levels with improve even more so, allowing me to fit more in my day. I can honestly say if I had not chosen recovery /were still at the early stages I would not be able to hold down a job - I'd be falling asleep all the time. This is why I'm incredibly grateful for my ever-growing energy levels haha - because it's setting me up for a better future i terms of being able to function normally doing day to day things like having a job and working long hours, with still the time and energy to fit in other things Anyway...back to my 'busiest week' ha...
My now 'better functioning body' has allowed to meet up with friends which I did a few times this week, eat out, go on a 'walking day' with my housing association, attend a psychiatrist appointment, run my first ever 'art therapy group at my volunteering, and spend the bank holiday weekend with my family.
Spending time with my family was amazing. It was just so 'normal' enjoyable and relaxing Time went so fast..too fast. A few months back a weekend like this would have been completely different. I didn't dread seeing my family, but I dreaded how I was going to juggle anorexia with 'appearing OK, happy and normal'. Anorexia doesn't like change, it doesn't like flexibility and it certainly doesn't like it when 100% of your time is dedicated to 'It'. This is why it became quite hard to see friends/family. 'It' didn't like it'. The thoughts/planning to meet up with people was difficult. It wasn't a simple thought of 'Oh I'm going to see so and so..'. It was more like 'You'll have to make sure you go on a long walk in case you're sat down for a long time'...'Make sure you have X or lunch and have it at this specific time and if you have it any later then it's too late - you can't eat'....'You can only spend X amount of time when seeing this person because you need to make sure you're thinking/planning/worrying about food & exercise'..'You'll have to go on another walk after meeting your friends/family just in case the first one wasn't enough'. This is why it became really difficult to genuinely enjoy spending time with people..Instead trying to force a smile, trying your hardest to concentrate on the conversation when 'It' is the forefront in your mind and trying to ignore it, and not feel guilty for what your'e doing seems almost impossible.
The above described compared to what its like to spend time with other people is the complete opposite. No voice nagging at you telling you off for 'socialising'. Instead genuine enjoyment, laughter and making memories. It feels like you're born again when you start getting enjoyment from things like this Everything seems new and surreal but in the most amazing way. The bank holiday with my family was fabulous. Spending quality time with my Mum, sister and Simon. Eating nice food including malteser & white chocolate ice cream (which can I say was amazing!, laughing, seeing my mum so much happier, being interested in what they have been up to and smiling. I'll never forget this weekend and for all the right reasons You know when you was a kid and that feeling you get when it's the night before going back to school after you've had a holiday? That sort of sad feeling about not wanting to go back because you've enjoyed being off! I kind of felt like that this bank holiday...sad afterwards because I had such a good time. Definitely looking forward to the next one!
Chelsea X
Monday 14 August 2017
Recovery VS Relapse...
You know when people say....'Recovery is so much worth it"? (which is true by the way..), but what does this actually mean? People say 'your life will start piecing together again' but to someone stuck in an eating disorder this could mean many things. The outcome of recovering/recovery can be so different from 1 person to the next which is why it can be feel a bit daunting/confusing at first. I'm going to use my experiences as to why Recovery definitely IS worth it and how life really does start to get exciting once you begin to shut the door on an illness that has taken so much away from you.
To begin with I've been there. I'll hold my hand up and say I've told myself I've 'recovered' a handful of times. Most of theses being just as I had left hospitals. It's what everyone wants to hear right? But looking back on these times I had known deep down that I wasn't recovering at all. I knew what I was doing wasn't right but had still convinced myself and others I was doing well. Recovery is so bloody difficult and that's why it takes time and effort. It's not a straightforward process as it requires your brain to think/behave in a completely new way. You have trained your brain for so long to go down a 'certain path', which is why any 'little' diversion back down that path can begin a snowball effect and before you know it, you're long gone back down that path it can seen almost 'impossible' to turn back around. This is why it is so important to be honest with yourself. Be honest with where you're at, use your skills to do a sort of 'mini-evaluation' of how you think you've been doing. This gives you the opportunity to assess if you've started to use any old behaviour/s that you know have always taken you back down 'that path' in he past. This may seem weird but in order to prevent a relapse and keep yourself on track, it's so so important to keep checking in with yourself. 'It's only the once I'll do it all properly tomorrow'...'I won't have this today but I'll sure to have it tomorrow', 'It's only a little behaviour so it's not important'. Sound familiar? They do to me. I know that I've left myself vulnerable to a relapse when any tiny negative behaviours have been used, because I always think 'It's only today, it's not a big deal'. But it is a big deal because as soon as you've triggered that 'old brain pattern', it wants more and more. Tomorrow never comes, nor does the next day or the day after that. Before you know it, using negative behaviours has now become a regular behaviour and that's when things can spiral, and in a short space of time. This is what happened to me late last year. I was healthy, learn all my skills and thought I was 'cured', but didn't use them enough to tackle head on any tiny negative thought that came into my mind so just 'went with it' and before I knew it I was back to square one. I remember asking myself 'How has this happened'? and unfortunately it had all happened just by listening to that one 'tiny' niggle from the voice before I continued to listen and obey. That's why I'm trying to highlight that any little negative behaviour that you think is a 'one off' will become more and more difficult to not listen to.
This leads me onto the sort of 'approach to take' whilst in recovery/maintaining recovery. You have to cut off all rules. Not just a few, not every single one of them apart from 1, but all. You need a clean slate. One thing I have learnt that you simply cannot recover whilst bargaining with your eating disorder. I've tried and tested this over and over again but each time I follow this, it never works, and then you begin to wonder why It hasn't again. You truly have to rip up the old rule book - after all...keep asking yourself where has following this rule book ever got me? You have to create new rules which are sort of boundaries (and will start to form the 'new pattern' of thinking that you can train your brain to become familiar with. When you practise these new rules they become less 'odd/natural' and will feel more 'normal'. After all, this is how you started to train your brain to think in more negative ways, so you have equal chance of thinking/believing/ acting on new thought patterns. This also reminds me of the saying 'You were never born with an eating disorder' which is 100% true. Well we weren't were we? So any time when it gets tough and you think 'Well I've always been like this'.... 'I'll just accept this is who I am'... 'I'll never change' <<< These are definitely NOT true. These are just thoughts and the ability to change comes from within is believe it or not. I used t think 'do I REALLY' have the ability to recover? I've always ended up going backwards'...again these are JUST thoughts and they are not real! We have the capability within ourselves to recover..and it's bloody hard that's why it's sometimes hard to believe but it's true!
Anyway back to why recovery is WORTH it. When you truly go against all rules, and you get your eating back in check something magical happens...your LIFE starts to piece together again. I've always thought to myself 'When will this happen', 'When will I start being interested in doing things again?'...'When will I make more friends?'...'When will I be comfortable with going into a restaurant?'...'When will I feel more happier and care-free'? There is no definite answer, it is different or everybody and from my experiences during the past few months, it just 'happens'. You don't wake up one day and think 'I'm happy now' or 'I feel social again', overtime once your brain starts to function properly again and your body thanks you for adequate nutrition..things do happen. One thing I will say is that the more you put into recovery the more you'll get out of it, just like the reverse; the more you bow down to any negative thought,the more similar thoughts will start creeping in again. This is why people say 'recovery is a choice'...because as hard as it is to believe sometimes and although you didn't choose to have an eating disorder,you rally do have the power in your own head to decide which way you want to go.
I sometimes reflect on how quickly things spiralled down the wrong path for me between October/-Jan-Feb time'. It seemed within a blink of an eye I was back in a place I truly didn't believe I would ever be again. But spinning this around...since April time-present (which feels like a lifetime but in the grand scheme of things it's only around 4 months), so so much has changed (positively) in what is really a short space of time. This is what helps maintain recovery. Once you see the 'perks' of recovery i.e. getting your life back...it helps you continue because of how much you enjoy just 'living again'. And to get to this point you have to 'do recovery' to see what it's really like. And this is why like I said earlier any old rule that hasn't helped needs to be binned. Because old rules and recovery don't mix well together. You will never truly see what recovery is like if you still cling to old behaviours. Don't get me wrong, every day will not be 'brilliant. You will have blips and that's ok (hence why recovery isn't 'linear'...but it's how you get through these blips that happened. Not thinking 'Well I've messed up now I may as well carry on' (I am guilty of this in the past. Doing this is what starts leading you back down the old path again. But if you learn how to recover in a more positive not so black and white way, it helps to maintain your recovery. For example, thinking 'maybe in hindsight I shouldn't have done that.but I know that in future I will do something different about it'...and then being able to move on and focus on the road ahead. That's why 'checking in' with yourself can be so so helpful in the process of recovery.
X
To begin with I've been there. I'll hold my hand up and say I've told myself I've 'recovered' a handful of times. Most of theses being just as I had left hospitals. It's what everyone wants to hear right? But looking back on these times I had known deep down that I wasn't recovering at all. I knew what I was doing wasn't right but had still convinced myself and others I was doing well. Recovery is so bloody difficult and that's why it takes time and effort. It's not a straightforward process as it requires your brain to think/behave in a completely new way. You have trained your brain for so long to go down a 'certain path', which is why any 'little' diversion back down that path can begin a snowball effect and before you know it, you're long gone back down that path it can seen almost 'impossible' to turn back around. This is why it is so important to be honest with yourself. Be honest with where you're at, use your skills to do a sort of 'mini-evaluation' of how you think you've been doing. This gives you the opportunity to assess if you've started to use any old behaviour/s that you know have always taken you back down 'that path' in he past. This may seem weird but in order to prevent a relapse and keep yourself on track, it's so so important to keep checking in with yourself. 'It's only the once I'll do it all properly tomorrow'...'I won't have this today but I'll sure to have it tomorrow', 'It's only a little behaviour so it's not important'. Sound familiar? They do to me. I know that I've left myself vulnerable to a relapse when any tiny negative behaviours have been used, because I always think 'It's only today, it's not a big deal'. But it is a big deal because as soon as you've triggered that 'old brain pattern', it wants more and more. Tomorrow never comes, nor does the next day or the day after that. Before you know it, using negative behaviours has now become a regular behaviour and that's when things can spiral, and in a short space of time. This is what happened to me late last year. I was healthy, learn all my skills and thought I was 'cured', but didn't use them enough to tackle head on any tiny negative thought that came into my mind so just 'went with it' and before I knew it I was back to square one. I remember asking myself 'How has this happened'? and unfortunately it had all happened just by listening to that one 'tiny' niggle from the voice before I continued to listen and obey. That's why I'm trying to highlight that any little negative behaviour that you think is a 'one off' will become more and more difficult to not listen to.
This leads me onto the sort of 'approach to take' whilst in recovery/maintaining recovery. You have to cut off all rules. Not just a few, not every single one of them apart from 1, but all. You need a clean slate. One thing I have learnt that you simply cannot recover whilst bargaining with your eating disorder. I've tried and tested this over and over again but each time I follow this, it never works, and then you begin to wonder why It hasn't again. You truly have to rip up the old rule book - after all...keep asking yourself where has following this rule book ever got me? You have to create new rules which are sort of boundaries (and will start to form the 'new pattern' of thinking that you can train your brain to become familiar with. When you practise these new rules they become less 'odd/natural' and will feel more 'normal'. After all, this is how you started to train your brain to think in more negative ways, so you have equal chance of thinking/believing/ acting on new thought patterns. This also reminds me of the saying 'You were never born with an eating disorder' which is 100% true. Well we weren't were we? So any time when it gets tough and you think 'Well I've always been like this'.... 'I'll just accept this is who I am'... 'I'll never change' <<< These are definitely NOT true. These are just thoughts and the ability to change comes from within is believe it or not. I used t think 'do I REALLY' have the ability to recover? I've always ended up going backwards'...again these are JUST thoughts and they are not real! We have the capability within ourselves to recover..and it's bloody hard that's why it's sometimes hard to believe but it's true!
Anyway back to why recovery is WORTH it. When you truly go against all rules, and you get your eating back in check something magical happens...your LIFE starts to piece together again. I've always thought to myself 'When will this happen', 'When will I start being interested in doing things again?'...'When will I make more friends?'...'When will I be comfortable with going into a restaurant?'...'When will I feel more happier and care-free'? There is no definite answer, it is different or everybody and from my experiences during the past few months, it just 'happens'. You don't wake up one day and think 'I'm happy now' or 'I feel social again', overtime once your brain starts to function properly again and your body thanks you for adequate nutrition..things do happen. One thing I will say is that the more you put into recovery the more you'll get out of it, just like the reverse; the more you bow down to any negative thought,the more similar thoughts will start creeping in again. This is why people say 'recovery is a choice'...because as hard as it is to believe sometimes and although you didn't choose to have an eating disorder,you rally do have the power in your own head to decide which way you want to go.
I sometimes reflect on how quickly things spiralled down the wrong path for me between October/-Jan-Feb time'. It seemed within a blink of an eye I was back in a place I truly didn't believe I would ever be again. But spinning this around...since April time-present (which feels like a lifetime but in the grand scheme of things it's only around 4 months), so so much has changed (positively) in what is really a short space of time. This is what helps maintain recovery. Once you see the 'perks' of recovery i.e. getting your life back...it helps you continue because of how much you enjoy just 'living again'. And to get to this point you have to 'do recovery' to see what it's really like. And this is why like I said earlier any old rule that hasn't helped needs to be binned. Because old rules and recovery don't mix well together. You will never truly see what recovery is like if you still cling to old behaviours. Don't get me wrong, every day will not be 'brilliant. You will have blips and that's ok (hence why recovery isn't 'linear'...but it's how you get through these blips that happened. Not thinking 'Well I've messed up now I may as well carry on' (I am guilty of this in the past. Doing this is what starts leading you back down the old path again. But if you learn how to recover in a more positive not so black and white way, it helps to maintain your recovery. For example, thinking 'maybe in hindsight I shouldn't have done that.but I know that in future I will do something different about it'...and then being able to move on and focus on the road ahead. That's why 'checking in' with yourself can be so so helpful in the process of recovery.
X
Tuesday 8 August 2017
One of those 'Bleugh' days...
Do you ever wake up in the morning and automatically feel 'Bleugh'? Like it's just an off day. For some reason your mood is a little crappy and you genereally just don't feel motivated to do anything? Well that's one of those days for me today. I instantly see them as a 'write off'...a waste of a day. But is it really? Let me explain...
It's completely normal and ok to just be in an off mood for no reason. For starters, it's unnatural for anyone to fel happy 100% all of the time - and that's ok. Also, there doesn't need to be a reason behind as to why you may feel low in mood. I woke up this morning just not having any energy or motvation to do anything. I definitely don't think the weather helps with it being rainy all day! But I just wanted a 'stay at home' day. I questionned myself as to why I felt a bit 'bleugh' but there is no real reason, but like I said is that ok. For some reason not doing anything 'productive' initally sparked off thoughts surrounding guilt. Guilty for not 'achieving' something, Guilty for not contributing towards myself or in genereal towards society in some shape or form.
I know this may all sound weird as to why I'm writing this but it's because in the past when feeling 'low' for any reason at all, I would always revert back to some sort of negative behaviour to either escape/numb this emotion I wasn't very fond of. Usually this is through food; not feeling deserving due to my lack of 'meanlines day'. BUT thoughts are just thoughts and you don't need to act on them, and I don't anymore. Instead I try and do more helpful things to lift my mood, and sort of just accept i'm feeling not 100%, that's ok and it WILL go.
There are so many little things you can do to lift your mood which may seem small but they really do help. For example, I've watched some TV I enjoy and forced myself out for a coffee for a change of scenery and picked something nice to have for tea tonight! I've spent the majority of the day cosy in bed with my dressing gown and...that's ok! Even just writing this post to expres my emotions is a tool that can help.
What I'm trying to say is
1) It's ok to have an off day
2) Not feeling overly happy is OK - it will pass
3) A day spent relaxing is NOT a waste of the day. It's nice to have one (and there are little things to lift your mood)
And for me personally... I have achieved something,. I've achieved the ability to use my skills as to help my mood rather than use old behaviours as a way of coping, so actually I can tell myself it's a good day?
Sorry this is compltely random but these are my thoughts of the day!
It's completely normal and ok to just be in an off mood for no reason. For starters, it's unnatural for anyone to fel happy 100% all of the time - and that's ok. Also, there doesn't need to be a reason behind as to why you may feel low in mood. I woke up this morning just not having any energy or motvation to do anything. I definitely don't think the weather helps with it being rainy all day! But I just wanted a 'stay at home' day. I questionned myself as to why I felt a bit 'bleugh' but there is no real reason, but like I said is that ok. For some reason not doing anything 'productive' initally sparked off thoughts surrounding guilt. Guilty for not 'achieving' something, Guilty for not contributing towards myself or in genereal towards society in some shape or form.
I know this may all sound weird as to why I'm writing this but it's because in the past when feeling 'low' for any reason at all, I would always revert back to some sort of negative behaviour to either escape/numb this emotion I wasn't very fond of. Usually this is through food; not feeling deserving due to my lack of 'meanlines day'. BUT thoughts are just thoughts and you don't need to act on them, and I don't anymore. Instead I try and do more helpful things to lift my mood, and sort of just accept i'm feeling not 100%, that's ok and it WILL go.
There are so many little things you can do to lift your mood which may seem small but they really do help. For example, I've watched some TV I enjoy and forced myself out for a coffee for a change of scenery and picked something nice to have for tea tonight! I've spent the majority of the day cosy in bed with my dressing gown and...that's ok! Even just writing this post to expres my emotions is a tool that can help.
What I'm trying to say is
1) It's ok to have an off day
2) Not feeling overly happy is OK - it will pass
3) A day spent relaxing is NOT a waste of the day. It's nice to have one (and there are little things to lift your mood)
And for me personally... I have achieved something,. I've achieved the ability to use my skills as to help my mood rather than use old behaviours as a way of coping, so actually I can tell myself it's a good day?
Sorry this is compltely random but these are my thoughts of the day!
Sunday 30 July 2017
Bulimia - The 'Ugly Truth'
Bulimia...
This topic has been on my mind today and I think its due to see others currently struggling with it, and knowing there will be no doubt lots of people suffering in silence too. It absolutely breaks my heart for all sufferers struggling with this eating disorder. I've struggled with this on and off whilst suffering with anorexia and was told by my consultant I had 'anorexia binge/purge subtype'...(I will explain what this means further along). For some reason during my blogging/vlogging of my recovery journey on social media this is something I haven't touched on much. Reason being? I find it the most difficult to talk about because there's so much 'shame' attached to it. And I'm even ashamed to say I'm ashamed if that makes sense? And I know that so many other people that have struggled/struggle with this feel this shame too. Well no more, because it's an illness and it's absolutely horrific and the cycle you get yourself in is so utterly draining. I'm here to openly discuss my experiences with bulimia. There is NO SHAME, I'm also here to tell any current sufferers that it is possible to overcome.
For those who don't know what 'Bulimia' is, it's eating food and then compensating for this and a common way of doing so is 'purging'. Quite often sufferers will eat what may be considered a 'vast' amount of food during these episodes...'binging and purging'. This isn't the case with all sufferers as just like any other eating disorder, they are so complex and people struggle in so many different ways. And also similar to ALL eating disorders, people with bulimia can be ANY weight. In fact, evidence shows that bulimia suffers tend to be a healthy weight.
So these are my experiences of this eating disorder for those who don't understand...this is me being very open and honest so please don't continue reading if you feel it may affect you as it's a very sensitive subject....
Bulimia crept into my live during my first inpatient admission for anorexia. Whilst getting so close to a healthy weight and finding it difficult to mentally accept I felt this sense of being 'out of control'. For months I had been in control of my food, something no one else could do and now it had been all taken away, I felt so lost. My emotions were coming back and I didn't know what to do. I had this thought of thinking 'well I've lost all control now, so I may as well just eat anything/everything'. And that's when it started. I ate and then I purged. This is something that got stronger when I was discharged and this became a massive problem. At first it was 'my little secret', my 'safety blanket'. When anything went wrong in my life I had something I felt at the time would help me escape everything. It wasn't long before my family knew but to be honest, they probably knew before I thought they knew. I used to go upstairs, turn the shower on (usually after evening meals) and 'get rid' of what I had eaten. I was ashamed of what I was doing but unfortunately it was so strong that 'doing it' had overridden shame. I was desperate - it felt like a drug. I would spend days on end buying so much food (and as a consequence spending so much money) to eat until I couldn't eat anymore to then (literally just throw it down the toilet). I'm sorry that may sound gross but like my title says - that's the ugly truth. Even when my family knew what I was doing I felt I 'had to do it' and just accepted that they knew what I was doing in the bathroom. When I was too embarrassed I would go to town, go to lots of different shops to buy food and find the nearest public toilet, I was so so desperate and nothing was going to stop me. It's a horrible cycle; the guilt turns into shame (which continues the cycle - making it harder to stop), guilt - shame, guilt shame etc etc.
After a few months I began to address this but my way of trying to 'fix' this was to control my food again but completely the other way. I remember thinking 'yesss I've stopped this' but unfortunately anorexia wormed it's way back into my life which led to me coming to another unit in York . As to why someone would develop bulimia, everyones reasons are so different. I explained why I felt mine started and it's because I have such a 'black and white' , 'all or nothing' way of thinking - which is a lot better now. Bulimia can help to escape and 'numb' emotions just like anorexia can. For me, I've figured for years I've used food as a form of control, and deep down it's just all to block out any emotions. Because of my 'all or nothing' way of thinking I couldn't find a middle ground. I either had to eat nothing or eat lot's and compensate for it. I felt stuck like this was how my relationship with food was going to be for the rest of my life - but it wasn't/isn't. After struggling later on last year with anorexia I had episodes of binging/purging which lead to waiting a certain amount of hours/days to eat again until I felt the guilt had lessoned and I was worthy of eating. Luckily since getting back to a healthy weight and developing a healthier relationship with food, knowing that NO food is bad, everything in moderation etc etc I haven't struggled with this.
Bulimia has so many health consequences:
- Low potassium - which leads to heart problems and can cause death
- Red and dry skin
-Dehydration
- Weakness
-Tiredness
.. and so many more
I want any suffer to know right now that they are not along, and CAN overcome this. It's nothing to be ashamed about, and you are WORTHY of recovery. As sad as this may sound, if I could take away eating disorders/or any mental health illness away from anyone/everyone I really would. It makes me so so sad and this is why the one good thing about my journey is the fact that I know what I want to work in mental health. Because I am passionate and if I contributed to saving just 1 persons life it would truly be an honour.
This topic has been on my mind today and I think its due to see others currently struggling with it, and knowing there will be no doubt lots of people suffering in silence too. It absolutely breaks my heart for all sufferers struggling with this eating disorder. I've struggled with this on and off whilst suffering with anorexia and was told by my consultant I had 'anorexia binge/purge subtype'...(I will explain what this means further along). For some reason during my blogging/vlogging of my recovery journey on social media this is something I haven't touched on much. Reason being? I find it the most difficult to talk about because there's so much 'shame' attached to it. And I'm even ashamed to say I'm ashamed if that makes sense? And I know that so many other people that have struggled/struggle with this feel this shame too. Well no more, because it's an illness and it's absolutely horrific and the cycle you get yourself in is so utterly draining. I'm here to openly discuss my experiences with bulimia. There is NO SHAME, I'm also here to tell any current sufferers that it is possible to overcome.
For those who don't know what 'Bulimia' is, it's eating food and then compensating for this and a common way of doing so is 'purging'. Quite often sufferers will eat what may be considered a 'vast' amount of food during these episodes...'binging and purging'. This isn't the case with all sufferers as just like any other eating disorder, they are so complex and people struggle in so many different ways. And also similar to ALL eating disorders, people with bulimia can be ANY weight. In fact, evidence shows that bulimia suffers tend to be a healthy weight.
So these are my experiences of this eating disorder for those who don't understand...this is me being very open and honest so please don't continue reading if you feel it may affect you as it's a very sensitive subject....
Bulimia crept into my live during my first inpatient admission for anorexia. Whilst getting so close to a healthy weight and finding it difficult to mentally accept I felt this sense of being 'out of control'. For months I had been in control of my food, something no one else could do and now it had been all taken away, I felt so lost. My emotions were coming back and I didn't know what to do. I had this thought of thinking 'well I've lost all control now, so I may as well just eat anything/everything'. And that's when it started. I ate and then I purged. This is something that got stronger when I was discharged and this became a massive problem. At first it was 'my little secret', my 'safety blanket'. When anything went wrong in my life I had something I felt at the time would help me escape everything. It wasn't long before my family knew but to be honest, they probably knew before I thought they knew. I used to go upstairs, turn the shower on (usually after evening meals) and 'get rid' of what I had eaten. I was ashamed of what I was doing but unfortunately it was so strong that 'doing it' had overridden shame. I was desperate - it felt like a drug. I would spend days on end buying so much food (and as a consequence spending so much money) to eat until I couldn't eat anymore to then (literally just throw it down the toilet). I'm sorry that may sound gross but like my title says - that's the ugly truth. Even when my family knew what I was doing I felt I 'had to do it' and just accepted that they knew what I was doing in the bathroom. When I was too embarrassed I would go to town, go to lots of different shops to buy food and find the nearest public toilet, I was so so desperate and nothing was going to stop me. It's a horrible cycle; the guilt turns into shame (which continues the cycle - making it harder to stop), guilt - shame, guilt shame etc etc.
After a few months I began to address this but my way of trying to 'fix' this was to control my food again but completely the other way. I remember thinking 'yesss I've stopped this' but unfortunately anorexia wormed it's way back into my life which led to me coming to another unit in York . As to why someone would develop bulimia, everyones reasons are so different. I explained why I felt mine started and it's because I have such a 'black and white' , 'all or nothing' way of thinking - which is a lot better now. Bulimia can help to escape and 'numb' emotions just like anorexia can. For me, I've figured for years I've used food as a form of control, and deep down it's just all to block out any emotions. Because of my 'all or nothing' way of thinking I couldn't find a middle ground. I either had to eat nothing or eat lot's and compensate for it. I felt stuck like this was how my relationship with food was going to be for the rest of my life - but it wasn't/isn't. After struggling later on last year with anorexia I had episodes of binging/purging which lead to waiting a certain amount of hours/days to eat again until I felt the guilt had lessoned and I was worthy of eating. Luckily since getting back to a healthy weight and developing a healthier relationship with food, knowing that NO food is bad, everything in moderation etc etc I haven't struggled with this.
Bulimia has so many health consequences:
- Low potassium - which leads to heart problems and can cause death
- Red and dry skin
-Dehydration
- Weakness
-Tiredness
.. and so many more
I want any suffer to know right now that they are not along, and CAN overcome this. It's nothing to be ashamed about, and you are WORTHY of recovery. As sad as this may sound, if I could take away eating disorders/or any mental health illness away from anyone/everyone I really would. It makes me so so sad and this is why the one good thing about my journey is the fact that I know what I want to work in mental health. Because I am passionate and if I contributed to saving just 1 persons life it would truly be an honour.
Monday 17 July 2017
A is for anxiety...
Haven't written a blog in a while but had an exhausting day and writing these seems therapeutic to me.
I can't really be bothered to update on what's happend since my last post (as most of you who follow me on facebook/Instagram will already know from my updates).
So I'm here, I'm alive and I'm a healthy weight. God it feels weird to type out those words! On the whole everything is positive. I'm starting to 'live' more rather than just exist. The one thing I'm noticing at the moment is my anxiety is so strange at the minute, and I think I'll find it difficult to explain because it feels so messy in my head so I'll give it a go..
Most of you who may read this will probably know I started getting panic attacks in January which feel horrendous (those who've had them will know!!). Over the past few months they have subsided and I only get them every now and then which is a massive improvement. So here goes the really weird bit..
Since having my first panic attack I've been so in tune with my body in terms of looking after my health (which you could argue is a good thing) but my anxiety has gone to the extreme. Most days without fail I'll feel my breathing feel 'funny' (like...not right), my muscles feel so tense, my chest is tight and every time this happens I feel like something bad is happening. I just don't understand. And because I don't understand that's why I find it so difficult to explain. It feels like I walk around with this massive sense of 'dread' on my shoulder wherever I am, wherever I go and it consumes me sometimes. I'm happy, I'm healthy so why am I feeling like this?!?! Please someone help me?? I've been to a&e more time in the past few months than I have in my lifetime! The irony is I never use to look after myself in the gripse of anorexia; I didn't care. But I'm now healthy and every body sensation I fear the worst? I sound crazy? It just doesn't make sense!???
And I'm happy, I'm working towards a future I never thought or believed I'd have so why do I feel like this? I just feel like I need to calm down all the time and I use all skills I've learnt to do this. Anyway, I had my review today and they're going to support me with this and are prescribing me with some short term/quicker affect medication until I stop feeling like this. I just feel confused as to why this is happening, I just want to feel normal if that makes sense?
Things are good guys I promise I just don't get where this has come from!??!?
I can't really be bothered to update on what's happend since my last post (as most of you who follow me on facebook/Instagram will already know from my updates).
So I'm here, I'm alive and I'm a healthy weight. God it feels weird to type out those words! On the whole everything is positive. I'm starting to 'live' more rather than just exist. The one thing I'm noticing at the moment is my anxiety is so strange at the minute, and I think I'll find it difficult to explain because it feels so messy in my head so I'll give it a go..
Most of you who may read this will probably know I started getting panic attacks in January which feel horrendous (those who've had them will know!!). Over the past few months they have subsided and I only get them every now and then which is a massive improvement. So here goes the really weird bit..
Since having my first panic attack I've been so in tune with my body in terms of looking after my health (which you could argue is a good thing) but my anxiety has gone to the extreme. Most days without fail I'll feel my breathing feel 'funny' (like...not right), my muscles feel so tense, my chest is tight and every time this happens I feel like something bad is happening. I just don't understand. And because I don't understand that's why I find it so difficult to explain. It feels like I walk around with this massive sense of 'dread' on my shoulder wherever I am, wherever I go and it consumes me sometimes. I'm happy, I'm healthy so why am I feeling like this?!?! Please someone help me?? I've been to a&e more time in the past few months than I have in my lifetime! The irony is I never use to look after myself in the gripse of anorexia; I didn't care. But I'm now healthy and every body sensation I fear the worst? I sound crazy? It just doesn't make sense!???
And I'm happy, I'm working towards a future I never thought or believed I'd have so why do I feel like this? I just feel like I need to calm down all the time and I use all skills I've learnt to do this. Anyway, I had my review today and they're going to support me with this and are prescribing me with some short term/quicker affect medication until I stop feeling like this. I just feel confused as to why this is happening, I just want to feel normal if that makes sense?
Things are good guys I promise I just don't get where this has come from!??!?
Wednesday 22 March 2017
Life update...
These past 2 months have been a bit of a rollercoaster...
After struggling to manage my eating disorder, I came back to Grimsby in January for a bit of "rest bite" and to be around family. I couldn't continue living as I was because it was becoming too difficult so something needed to change.
Initially I was reluctant to come home as York has stole my heart and was/still is where I want to live my life. I spent the first 2/3 weeks 'giving up' as I had become lost and felt however much I tried, everything seemed too much. I didn't know how to get rid of this 'voice' in my head - it had continued to be the voice I couldn't not obey, the voice that controlled every decision I made - ultimately zapping all of my time and energy, I had no time for anything else and this made me miserable. No matter how much I thought I'd try it would still always be there, and couldn't imagine being free of it.
My family have been amazing and have massively helped me just by being there. My care was a bit messed up so I've been in limbo because being back home temporarily meant that it made it harder to access support. So an assessment, meeting and phone calls happened and the waiting game started. But after a while, my motivation had increased and I became fed up of waiting. Fed up of clinging onto hope that my recovery could be given to someone else to sort out for me. I wanted to get up and try again, but without any compromises. It's tiring getting up time and time again and doubting your own abilities but what's the alternative? Not trying? What's that going to lead to/achieve? A bit of fight came back and I wanted to take advantage of this, and use it to get back up again.
For the past five weeks that's what I've tried to do. I say try because it's a difficult process but it's probably been the best 5 weeks at getting back on track and putting the most effort into recovery since this all started. And weirdly this has happened whilst waiting for answers about further support so I feel quite empowered that I've managed to do this on my own (with family and friends helping of course - but temporarily without professionals. I'm not ashamed to say that during this past few weeks, I've managed to gain some weight and (I feel anxious to say this)..but I'm actually quite proud of myself because I've never been able to achieve this whilst living at home/in the community. It's mentally challenging to accept in a positive way, when negative thoughts overtake and make you feel ashamed of this...but these feelings are only temporary and in the grand scheme of things, this is part of the process of GAINING BACK LIFE , which is what I'm working towards.
I feel like my heads a bit more screwed on, and I feel ready to return to York to continue this process. I don't want to go back to how it was before but this is all in my control. 'Recovery' takes time so I hold my hands up and accept there's a lot to still work on and will do whatever I can to overcome this ****** disorder. I've just started seeing a therapist which I'm grateful for, and will help guide me through this process in order to not let the thoughts win again. I will not let it take away any more of my life. I sometimes do the unhelpful thing of comparing myself to other people in terms of how people around me are living their lives. I sometimes dwell on what I should/could have achieved by now, but I guess it's accepting everyones journeys in life is different. Recovery can take years but if it the outcome is living a 'normalish' life by being well enough to control the thoughts enough to ignore them, it will definitely be worth it. So I accept that things worth having take time and it's ok to prioritise your health. Watch this space York I SHALL be back soon ;)
After struggling to manage my eating disorder, I came back to Grimsby in January for a bit of "rest bite" and to be around family. I couldn't continue living as I was because it was becoming too difficult so something needed to change.
Initially I was reluctant to come home as York has stole my heart and was/still is where I want to live my life. I spent the first 2/3 weeks 'giving up' as I had become lost and felt however much I tried, everything seemed too much. I didn't know how to get rid of this 'voice' in my head - it had continued to be the voice I couldn't not obey, the voice that controlled every decision I made - ultimately zapping all of my time and energy, I had no time for anything else and this made me miserable. No matter how much I thought I'd try it would still always be there, and couldn't imagine being free of it.
My family have been amazing and have massively helped me just by being there. My care was a bit messed up so I've been in limbo because being back home temporarily meant that it made it harder to access support. So an assessment, meeting and phone calls happened and the waiting game started. But after a while, my motivation had increased and I became fed up of waiting. Fed up of clinging onto hope that my recovery could be given to someone else to sort out for me. I wanted to get up and try again, but without any compromises. It's tiring getting up time and time again and doubting your own abilities but what's the alternative? Not trying? What's that going to lead to/achieve? A bit of fight came back and I wanted to take advantage of this, and use it to get back up again.
For the past five weeks that's what I've tried to do. I say try because it's a difficult process but it's probably been the best 5 weeks at getting back on track and putting the most effort into recovery since this all started. And weirdly this has happened whilst waiting for answers about further support so I feel quite empowered that I've managed to do this on my own (with family and friends helping of course - but temporarily without professionals. I'm not ashamed to say that during this past few weeks, I've managed to gain some weight and (I feel anxious to say this)..but I'm actually quite proud of myself because I've never been able to achieve this whilst living at home/in the community. It's mentally challenging to accept in a positive way, when negative thoughts overtake and make you feel ashamed of this...but these feelings are only temporary and in the grand scheme of things, this is part of the process of GAINING BACK LIFE , which is what I'm working towards.
I feel like my heads a bit more screwed on, and I feel ready to return to York to continue this process. I don't want to go back to how it was before but this is all in my control. 'Recovery' takes time so I hold my hands up and accept there's a lot to still work on and will do whatever I can to overcome this ****** disorder. I've just started seeing a therapist which I'm grateful for, and will help guide me through this process in order to not let the thoughts win again. I will not let it take away any more of my life. I sometimes do the unhelpful thing of comparing myself to other people in terms of how people around me are living their lives. I sometimes dwell on what I should/could have achieved by now, but I guess it's accepting everyones journeys in life is different. Recovery can take years but if it the outcome is living a 'normalish' life by being well enough to control the thoughts enough to ignore them, it will definitely be worth it. So I accept that things worth having take time and it's ok to prioritise your health. Watch this space York I SHALL be back soon ;)
Monday 6 March 2017
Uninvited: Panic Attacks
I wanted to talk a bit about Panic Attacks. Up until January I had never experienced them before, nor did I really know much about them. If I'm completely honest, if you were to ask me a few months ago what one was, I would have just said something along the lines of 'it's when people get a bit nervous when they're out in public...and maybe something to do with not liking big crowds of people". I completely COMPLETELY underestimated how awful they can and got it absolutely wrong of what they actually are.
What are panic attacks and my experiences...
Online it defines a panic attack as "a sudden surge of overwhelming anxiety and fear", which is quite broad. I wanted to use my experiences of how they are for me. (I feel slightly embarrassed and 'crazy' to share this but it makes it easier to explain - so here goes!)...
Rewind to January when I was in York. I was stuck in a routine with food and struggling to 'recover properly. My days consisted of rigidly following rules I irrationally believed were keeping me safe and easing my anxiety in the short term, but over time the list of rules expanded which became too overwhelming and I became tired trying to appease them all, in order to get some sort of peace in my head. I felt like my mind was filled with constant worry and 'what if's' if I didn't complete everything - I felt like I was on edge all the time and never truly felt relaxed or content with what I had done. One evening, I was thinking about how fed up and trapped I felt with my daily routine, and wondering how and when I could get out of feeling like I'm stuck in a rut and just existing. As I went to bed that night and tried to sleep, I leapt out of bed when what felt like It came from no where, my heart was pounding rapidly and I couldn't control it. It was like something I've never experienced before. I couldn't breathe properly and thought I was just going to black out. I honestly thought I was having a heart attack or dying! I grabbed my phone to ring an ambulance to say I was having a heart attack and I remember the urgency I felt and just wanted someone to come right now to save me. I also remember thinking "shit, this is It, I'm going to die right here, right now, and I haven't even lived my life properly". Luckily my housemate was at home and contacted my support worker who came to the house. They suspected it was a panic attack but I didn't believe it because of 1) not knowing what they were and 2) how could such strong physical symptoms make me feel like I was dying? We went to a&e where we waited and on the way I was shouting asking are we nearly there because I'm going to die! I can't believe how crazy I must have seemed but I genuinely believed it, and it seemed like it was going to happen any minute because I couldn't control what was going on in my body. We left after a 6 hour wait, but had calmed down by this point and felt 'grateful to be alive!). I still didn't quite believe that what I had experienced was a panic attack.
The next day I went into town and could feel all the physical symptoms coming on again and they didn't seem to go away - again I thought I was dying so headed in to the nearest shop to get support (trust it to be bloody Toymaster!). The staff were absolutely lovely and sat me down until I felt better.
A couple of days after these events I was back in Grimsby and the panic attacks kept on happening. I still didn't believe it was this though so ended up in a&e again with my Dad. Nothing I seemed to do/not do would help. I felt like I was going to experience these 'attacks' constantly. They would happen in the house, in the car and my worst nightmare - out in public and I felt helpless to myself with what to do. After research into panic attacks and re-assurance from family, friends and doctors I started to accept what they was, and this acceptance is one of the major and most helpful things in stopping a panic attack from happening, or letting one take it's cause calmly until it's over.
Why do panic attacks happen?
I'm still not quite sure on this one, but for me I think because I'm so used to 'getting rid'/'easing my anxiety' straight way, I don't allow myself to feel what I believe to be is 'anxiety provoking' so over time, my tolerance to anything remotely anxiety provoking became lower and lower. This meant that I had sort of tricked my brain into thinking that tiny things all had massive anxiety attached to them so my body was on alert all the time, causing the attacks and the physical symptoms that came with it. It's like the fight or flight mode. You end up training your brain to analyse normal situations into 'life or death ones', so even when you're not feeling anxious, the physical sensations can start to come because you're brain is processing everything in the wrong way and sending unnecessary messages at the wrong time. I still can't quite believe how powerful the mind is...how emotions and feelings can have so much power that it caused all the physical sensations to happen...
Symptoms of panic attacks (a lot of these symptoms are what I've experienced so might not be exactly what other people experience/may differ but I've also been given other accounts of indivudals whom have also experienced them:
- Rapid heart beat (this is why people LIKE ME! believe they are having heart attacks when experiencing a panic attack
- Struggle to breathe - due to not giving your brain enough oxygen which in turn, makes you feel woozy and like you're going to black out
- Feeling extremely hot or cold - This is probably from a rapid heart beat but you can go from sweating, to feeling absolutely freezing even if you're inside somewhere warm
The inability to speak properly - Because there's so much happening physically in your body, it's hard to draw sentences together as you're mind is going ten to the dozen wondering how the hell to control what's going on
- DEPERSONALIZATION - This is one of the main things I struggle with and had no idea until recently it was part of a panic attack that people experience. If I feel an attack coming on (especially if I'm in public somewhere) sometimes I feel like I'm in my own 'dreamworld', like I have completely lost touch of reality. It's so hard to explain but I feel like I'm walking and looking around but I'm not quite 'there'. Last week when I experienced this, I pinched myself and stared at my reflection in a mirror to try and 'get back' into reality but nothing seemed to work. This made me feel more crazy and I couldn't understand what was happening but feel relieved now that I know it's all part of what sometimes happens so quite common when experiencing a panic attack.
How to prevent/ride through a panic attack:
Acceptance: as daft as it sounds, acceptance is the best 'remedy' in preventing an attack or riding through one. Once you've got the awareness that you know what is is/what's happening, you get reassurance in the fat that no matter how awful it feels, you will be ok (and in my case won't die!)
Slow breathing: This seems an obvious one too but the reasons why a lot of the physical symptoms happen in the first place, is because you're not getting enough oxygen through your brain so if you try and get in control of your breathing, this really helps with not worsening the symptoms and calming your body back down again to a more 'calm state'
Getting space: If you're in a busy space, with lot's of people and noise and you start to feel an attack coming on, moving away and getting fresh air/being in a more open area can really help as you can focus on being more in control of your breathing etc in a calmer place
Using a paper bag to help control breathing; Believe me, it does work! my Dad got me a bag from the fish and chip shop the other day!
Listening to mindfulness music: This helps to calm the mind down and ride through any of the physical symptoms
Not drinking lots of caffeine: My mistake, these can bring on panic attacks if you're feeling anxious and I've only recently realised this! When I've cut down on caffeine it's massively reduced physical symptoms/panic coming on in public
I wanted to write this to share my experiences/help anyone that's experienced anything similar to know what you're not alone and what you experience is completely ok and normal (even when it feels crazy and ABnormal) and I absolutely respect what you may have gone/are going through because I honestly did underestimate how horrible they can be. But you CAN overcome them and don't let them get in the way of living your life because you are in control of them and they cannot hurt you even when you feel like they can :)
Chelsea Xx
Thursday 5 January 2017
A little visit from family and a lunch date...
On Monday my mum and Simon came up to York to see me and I was excited because I wanted to spend some nice time with them and have a normalish day. Whilst working on these foodie little challenge things I wanted to tie this into their visit. We went to Cafe Nero for Lunch and I decided to have one of my puddings there too. Stupid head was thinking ' I usually have a pudding on Tuesday and a pudding on Saturday so it's all messed up if I have one on Monday instead!. It seems such a petty silly thing (which it is), so I tried to rationalise it and thought if I don't change the days, it's just another stupid irrational rule I'd be listening to, which makes no sense at all, so decided to be flexible and go for it.
We went and I was nervous, even though I knew what I'd be having I still felt uncertain until the food was sat there in front of me. 'What if they don't have what I planned to have' 'What if they get my order wrong", these type of completely random thoughts went through my mind which as guessed didn't happen anyway...and it was all completely fine!!! This is the thing that I'm learning that it's pretty much ALWAYS the anxiety beforehand that puts you off doing different things, when in reality most of the time it's a lot easier actually doing it then you think, which gives you a sense of relief but also a sense of empowerment to know if you don't avoid things due to the 'fear' (when the fear is never really that bad in the end anyway) it allows you to be a little more free and encourages you to try new things more often...
Little snapshot of lunch...I NEED THIS MILLIONAIRES SHORTBREAD AGAIN...LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!
After lunch we looked around town for a bit and I took my mum and Simon into topshop to get some photos taken in the photobooth which was awkward and funny because we were waiting for ages for them to print out, staff had to come and try and fix the machine by moving the whole bloody thing, then we had to get in it again to take more pictures whilst the staff watched and waited to see if it was working again (proper cringy haha), but it didn't!
We went to the cinema afterwards to see a comedy 'Why Him', which was ace, would definitely recommend it. We went to the Reel Odeon cinema, which feels like you've gone back in time a few years but I love it as it's cute and old fashioned.
Probably sounds a bit silly but the day as a whole was good because I felt the most care-free I have in a while, felt less pre-occupied so could enjoy spending the time with my Mum and Simon by laughing at little things and just being normal. (felt sad when they went as I would like to feel like this everyday...but know it's normal for your mood to fluctuate. You can't stay on a high 24/27 as much as you can't stay on a low 24/7...mood goes up and down which is normal and makes you appreciate days like this even more...All in all it was a good visit!
Chelsea X
We went and I was nervous, even though I knew what I'd be having I still felt uncertain until the food was sat there in front of me. 'What if they don't have what I planned to have' 'What if they get my order wrong", these type of completely random thoughts went through my mind which as guessed didn't happen anyway...and it was all completely fine!!! This is the thing that I'm learning that it's pretty much ALWAYS the anxiety beforehand that puts you off doing different things, when in reality most of the time it's a lot easier actually doing it then you think, which gives you a sense of relief but also a sense of empowerment to know if you don't avoid things due to the 'fear' (when the fear is never really that bad in the end anyway) it allows you to be a little more free and encourages you to try new things more often...
After lunch we looked around town for a bit and I took my mum and Simon into topshop to get some photos taken in the photobooth which was awkward and funny because we were waiting for ages for them to print out, staff had to come and try and fix the machine by moving the whole bloody thing, then we had to get in it again to take more pictures whilst the staff watched and waited to see if it was working again (proper cringy haha), but it didn't!
We went to the cinema afterwards to see a comedy 'Why Him', which was ace, would definitely recommend it. We went to the Reel Odeon cinema, which feels like you've gone back in time a few years but I love it as it's cute and old fashioned.
Probably sounds a bit silly but the day as a whole was good because I felt the most care-free I have in a while, felt less pre-occupied so could enjoy spending the time with my Mum and Simon by laughing at little things and just being normal. (felt sad when they went as I would like to feel like this everyday...but know it's normal for your mood to fluctuate. You can't stay on a high 24/27 as much as you can't stay on a low 24/7...mood goes up and down which is normal and makes you appreciate days like this even more...All in all it was a good visit!
Chelsea X
Sunday 1 January 2017
365 blank pages and all that jazz
Food, glorious food!
Firstly, I'd like to say thank you for the responses I got from my last blog post, the advice and support has been listened to and taken on board so thank you all :)
I've come to a decision how to push myself a little more. The 2 choices I had in mind was to go full pelt with the "**** it* button; or to plan challenges with food gradually to move out of my comfort zone. As much as I wanted to go with the first option, I knew my anxiety would be too much to cope with this at the minute, so second option it was.
So far so good. I've had 2 days of eating different foods and challenging more. The majority of the time the anxiety is so much worse beforehand than it actually is doing it, which just shows how powerful your mind can be sometimes! And the feeling you get for doing something new is definitely worth it, and helps to move that little bit closer out of the comfort zone. My friend helped me with how to plan different challenges and I've done it through a hierarchy of foods; GREEN: 'safe foods', 'AMBER' a little bit more challenging and 'RED' the biggest fear foods. I'm giving myself a certain amount of times I have different foods in this hierarchy, which helps to gradually push new foods in, adds more variety, as well as making all foods seem 'ok' to eat again, and less scary. (Gosh as I'm writing this I'm realising how boring this sounds, so sorry haha - and thanks if you're still reading!)
I know this may sound not much but for me it feels like a big change at the minute and a change that I'm glad I've made. My mood and motivation is up and down at different points during the day but I know this is expected and just accept how I'm feeling and not let it affect me. Like sometimes I feel like I'm on top of the world and can conquer anything, and there are points in the day where I think what the hell am I doing this is all wrong! So a mixture of different feelings but I know for me right now it's the right thing to do, and the only way to get out of a rut is to do something different. The big 'C' word CHANGE, which always sounds like a good option in your head but when you actually do it, it's easier said then done! But nethertheless I'm going to keep going. I'm trying to do this mainly on my own because I've not really been able to do this before without more support, so would love to get to the end of all this and think 'I bloody did it', so can focus on more important things in life.
I tried this new chocolate bar today with my lunch and I would definitely recommend!
Tomorrow my Mum and Simon are coming to York for a couple of days. We're going out for lunch tomorrow and I'm having my pudding there too which I can't wait for but anxious at the same time. Irrational silly unwanted thoughts can buggar off , thank you very much head :)
Chelsea X
Firstly, I'd like to say thank you for the responses I got from my last blog post, the advice and support has been listened to and taken on board so thank you all :)
I've come to a decision how to push myself a little more. The 2 choices I had in mind was to go full pelt with the "**** it* button; or to plan challenges with food gradually to move out of my comfort zone. As much as I wanted to go with the first option, I knew my anxiety would be too much to cope with this at the minute, so second option it was.
So far so good. I've had 2 days of eating different foods and challenging more. The majority of the time the anxiety is so much worse beforehand than it actually is doing it, which just shows how powerful your mind can be sometimes! And the feeling you get for doing something new is definitely worth it, and helps to move that little bit closer out of the comfort zone. My friend helped me with how to plan different challenges and I've done it through a hierarchy of foods; GREEN: 'safe foods', 'AMBER' a little bit more challenging and 'RED' the biggest fear foods. I'm giving myself a certain amount of times I have different foods in this hierarchy, which helps to gradually push new foods in, adds more variety, as well as making all foods seem 'ok' to eat again, and less scary. (Gosh as I'm writing this I'm realising how boring this sounds, so sorry haha - and thanks if you're still reading!)
I know this may sound not much but for me it feels like a big change at the minute and a change that I'm glad I've made. My mood and motivation is up and down at different points during the day but I know this is expected and just accept how I'm feeling and not let it affect me. Like sometimes I feel like I'm on top of the world and can conquer anything, and there are points in the day where I think what the hell am I doing this is all wrong! So a mixture of different feelings but I know for me right now it's the right thing to do, and the only way to get out of a rut is to do something different. The big 'C' word CHANGE, which always sounds like a good option in your head but when you actually do it, it's easier said then done! But nethertheless I'm going to keep going. I'm trying to do this mainly on my own because I've not really been able to do this before without more support, so would love to get to the end of all this and think 'I bloody did it', so can focus on more important things in life.
I tried this new chocolate bar today with my lunch and I would definitely recommend!
Tomorrow my Mum and Simon are coming to York for a couple of days. We're going out for lunch tomorrow and I'm having my pudding there too which I can't wait for but anxious at the same time. Irrational silly unwanted thoughts can buggar off , thank you very much head :)
Chelsea X
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